Bingo

22

 

A pair

of adult swans

lurking to break my arms

and peck me to death,

tearing off flesh

like strips of crispy duck;

take-away revenge

for the entire pond.

Wings flapping wind

awash with failure,

blowing me apart,

squawking

career career career -

a concept that appears

more senseless each repetition

- while my head hangs

over the bank,

forcing me to face my own reflection,

which mouths things like

responsibility -

and I try to pull the plug

so I can watch mortality

whirl away down the drain

but my limbs dangle uselessly,

mangled by two swans hungry

for high-speed destruction.

They take satisfaction

in throwing me closer to the days

of painful deterioration.

Passers-by shake their heads

at this premature dread,

saying wait until you meet

the two dinosaurs who greet you

towards the end

of the conveyor-belt queue

to a derelict heaven,

grinding life into the ground with feet

oblivious to futile screams

and dreams not yet seized;

 

77.

 

Author's Note

Let me know what you think. Cheers.
Also:
1) did it get too rhymey?
2) did I stretch the animal analogies too far?

Reviews

[Hedra Helix]

not too rhymey, i like rhyme, plus you do it smooth dude

a bit but who am i to say, i am inlove with elasticity but the dino caught me off guard, i was still trying to figure out the swans but it was cool at the same time cos then I just let go and went with.

the image of mortality swirling down the drain was particularly vivid

overall my feel on this is "nice, it feels fresh!"

it feels experimental and charged. must be the hydration;)

[The Tao of Bri]

1) no 2) no....

I like how this poem can be read at multiple levels...kinda like the Matrix~ where it can be a "high speed" adventure or a very deep metaphor that all can learn from..Thanks for posting this as I learned a lot from your path or self discovery.

[JP thinks the WC is apt..]

A very thought-provoking rumination on life, the futility of climbing a career ladder (in the great scheme of life) and the 'what-the-f**k-are-we-here-for' that torments us all. But whereas this could have been a very jaded theme, the introduction of the animals gives it a slightly bizarre and more interesting edge. There's something vaguely biblical about it.

No, it didn't rhyme too much and I thought the use of the animals was nicely judged, even if dinosaurs and swans do not co-exist.

[R J Askew]

I liked it. The title drew me for some reason...possibly because we use it as a sort of wry expression of 'groan life has just stitched me up again'. When I started reading I was carried right through to the end without pause...I never even noticed the rhyming as I was taken with the msg. The best line for me was 'career, career, career'. Yep, life can be full of brutishness at every turn. I'd say the best aspect of the poem is the speed with which it is out of the blocks.

[Leah Simone]

I don't think it rhymed too much. I'm not sure I understand the two adult swans - I understand the concept of a vision of beauty and serenity pecking the life out of you - as if what others find soothing you find violent perhaps, but I think I missed the point - I don't think that was your message and it confused me.
I did like the line about derelict heaven - I think that was very poignant. The two dinosaurs at the end - well, obviously I didn't get that either, but it made for an interesting visual in my mind.

I wonder if this is a wild dream, something surreal about it and as interesting as it is - I guess I'm not very good at interpreting dreams - so much was unbelievable I had trouble believing it - does that make sense? For me, there weren't enough realistic images to grasp for this to have a great impact.

Amidst it all the points that stand out to me are the haunting "responsibility" the sense of failure and the questioning or even dismissal of something more "heaven" - heaven is for the dead stop searching for it ...kind of vibe.

All in all - I took away a sense of being tortured to agree with or believe in what others do - or become what they feel you should be. A rebel yell?

[Zatoichi]

i like this piece a lot but need to read it 17 more times to be able to tell you why.

[Sarah B.]

this poem is full of good stuff....but i'll admit a lot of it goes over my head....the title of the poem really throws you off, read between the lines it could be a bingo game but i'm not sure was intended other than a discriptive choice of title????...you really do have a way with words and this poem is full of them forcing the reader to think....and definitely not too rhymey which many people think make up a good poem :)
*a poem that needs to be read more than once, for sure*

[Gandré]

It was good, I liked your speedy pacing for when one speaks about those corporations gangsters and governments and oligarchs and all those who don't let u find our balance - you needed exactly this tempo. deep, great write.
regards from Germany,
gandr�.
(I'd appreciate when you see what I write.)

[Emily B]

I can never find the rhyme. I'm always so busy watching the road I never see the signs, I guess. Also, I was so stunned at what you did with the swans that I'm not sure rhyme would have registered anyway.

Gritty and full of very real anxiety. I am continually amazed at the things you can do with words.

[holly]

No and no. Swans are pretty vicious and have no problem taking revenge for even imagined insults. Seeing them in action makes your refence clear. "Passers-by shake their heads at pre-mature dread" - the people passing by see the poet's fears for the future and shake their heads, saying like most older people do, "Think this is bad? Wait till you get to the dinosaurs". In fact, I like the imagery here - dinosaurs greeting us prior to the long journey down may be whimsical but they're a good method of bringing the tone up a notch. Your poem contrasts despair with sardonic humor. Very human, very well done.

[JR]

Nope, not too rhyming. In fact, I like the occasional rhyme� it gives the poem a sense of rhythm and flow, keeps the reader's eye bouncing from line to line. Same with the repetition "career career career," which really seems to work for me. Also, I'm intrigued by the use of "adult swans" in this piece� a creature that is both beautiful and viscous at the same moment.

I think the reader can identify with this piece because it's both personal and universal, something I've aimed with in my own works and find myself coming up short. Lines like:

"- while my head hangs
over the bank,
forcing me to face my own reflection,
which mouths things like
responsibility �"

are very visual, forcing a gut check in the reader, a chance for them to look into their own mirror. Chances are, they either see the same reflection, or they have at some time in their past. Hence� universal. And my immanent jealousy, heh.

I was thrown off by the line: "passers-by shake their heads / at premature dread / saying wait until you meet �" Is this a sudden switch into narrative speech? If so, it should be denoted with parenthesis, at least, or, even cooler, italics. I also think you should change "at premature dread" to "with premature dread." It just sounds smoother.

I like the switch from the "adult swans" of youth to the "dinosaurs" of age. That's intense. And the line "the conveyor-belt queue / to a derelict heaven" made me piss my pants with poetic joy, man. That's maybe the tightest image I've read in the last year. Good piece, very visual and visceral at the same time.