Wigging Out

Written for the 'phobia' contest.

Most phobias are understandable;

even “irrational fears”

have a basis in the rational –

 

take snakes and spiders:

they exist and some of them

can kill you.

 

Most people are sympathetic

to certain aspects of mine,

such as discovering it in your dinner

 

...that retching instinct.

But they also find it amusing

to put mine to the test.

 

I don’t.

 

Having kept this secret for so long,

except the occasional hint

when I had to avoid something,

 

it wasn’t easy learning to trust –

to state what the problem was;

why I was holding my breath

 

or looking pale and sick.

To tell people is like exposing

vulnerability and hoping not to get kicked:

 

you probably will.

 

Since my fear is weird and pathetic,

some find it funny to shove it in my face

while, with others, I’m too ashamed

 

to even say anything about it.

Who the f**k’s afraid of wigs?

…and fur and hair and hairdressers

 

and most of the Sesame Street characters,

because they’re fluffy, oh and feather boas.

Ok, it’s not so much being scared

 

as being completely grossed out

 

and having an aversion,

but it’s as equally awkward as

discussing a perversion, because how

  

do you beg, without causing offence

please, please, clean your house

/vacuum your car to kind relatives

 

and friends, who just happen to own a dog?

It makes me seem like some kind of snob,

not wanting to sit down on their couch

 

or preferring to walk than get a lift.

 

My family has a dog…how did I handle it?

Well, I could cope with the pee and the s**t

and, since it was mine,

 

I just had to hold my breath each time

I was sent out to brush it.

That sound of comb teeth scraping

 

…like butter off toast, my cruel brain observed.

Crispy bread now leaves me gagging.

Daily life’s ability to make me unnerved

 

is amazing.

 

Like most important events in my life span,

I don’t remember the trigger,

only know that I can

 

spend the rest of it anxious

that someone close to me will get cancer

and I’ll have to lie

 

and say the wig looks fine.

Not only do I seem snobbish

but also shallow; a total arsehole

 

and weirdo -

 

which was my first best friend’s opinion

when, aged seven,

I was unable to sleepover until she’d hidden

 

every last Troll doll from her window sill

behind the curtain.

I think that may have been the start

 

of our friendship’s decline. Smart

and resourceful I may have managed to be

[oh, the lies I’ve told!] but please

 

spare a thought for me:

 

the next time you see an extravagant Mohican

and know I’m unable to eat

sitting opposite that person

 

as much as I may like them;

 

the next time you get a haircut

and strands falling on your arm

don’t make you want to vomit,

 

nor walking through the hair carpet

 

on your way to pay at the counter;

the next time you brush your hair

imagine me pretending not to care,

 

yet feeling like I can’t inhale the air.

 

 

And try not to laugh.

Thanks.

 

Author's Note

Sorry that it's so long - I've been thinking about exploring this issue for a while through writing, and this contest kind of gave me permission to do so.
I'm meant to include a note here about the phobia; I think it's clear, but: hair-related stuff. Wigs, fake hair, moulted hair, fur, fluff...man, I'm pathetic I know, but there you go.
It's a lot better now but still bad, and was really severe for most of my childhood/adolescence.

Does the poem seem too whiny?

Is it annoying that it gets rhymier? - make it all rhyme or all non-rhymey?

Thanks.

Reviews

[Kim]

Phobias and aversions are so complex sometimes, and your right funny to some people. But they are real for whatever reason. I personally don't think it is to long, and I like how at the beginning your not sure what the phobia is, you work into it. I guess in a way I am the same way..........but my aversion to dog and cat hair and some other things you mentioned come from severe allergies and people just don't understand it sometimes. Well anyhow, I loved this piece and I am one who understands!!!

[zig]

well, i have to confess too, i hate balloons, i mean i really hate balloons, i dont like to be in the same room with balloons and i dont like touching them. i liked the poem, i didnt think it was whiny at all. it was honest, and honest is what i like best about poetry. i like the pun between wigs and wigging out. very weel done. zig

[Raef C. Boylan]

Even reading this...even just the title...makes me nauseous.
That's how bad it is.
There are films and books that if I pick up in my hands, I get a tingling in the brain and think...what? And then remember that there's a scene with a haircut or something gross and hair-related, so I know to skip that part, or at least not eat while reading/watching.

My shame...