Wigging Out

Written for the 'phobia' contest.

Most phobias are understandable;

even “irrational fears”

have a basis in the rational –

 

take snakes and spiders:

they exist and some of them

can kill you.

 

Most people are sympathetic

to certain aspects of mine,

such as discovering it in your dinner

 

...that retching instinct.

But they also find it amusing

to put mine to the test.

 

I don’t.

 

Having kept this secret for so long,

except the occasional hint

when I had to avoid something,

 

it wasn’t easy learning to trust –

to state what the problem was;

why I was holding my breath

 

or looking pale and sick.

To tell people is like exposing

vulnerability and hoping not to get kicked:

 

you probably will.

 

Since my fear is weird and pathetic,

some find it funny to shove it in my face

while, with others, I’m too ashamed

 

to even say anything about it.

Who the f**k’s afraid of wigs?

…and fur and hair and hairdressers

 

and most of the Sesame Street characters,

because they’re fluffy, oh and feather boas.

Ok, it’s not so much being scared

 

as being completely grossed out

 

and having an aversion,

but it’s as equally awkward as

discussing a perversion, because how

  

do you beg, without causing offence

please, please, clean your house

/vacuum your car to kind relatives

 

and friends, who just happen to own a dog?

It makes me seem like some kind of snob,

not wanting to sit down on their couch

 

or preferring to walk than get a lift.

 

My family has a dog…how did I handle it?

Well, I could cope with the pee and the s**t

and, since it was mine,

 

I just had to hold my breath each time

I was sent out to brush it.

That sound of comb teeth scraping

 

…like butter off toast, my cruel brain observed.

Crispy bread now leaves me gagging.

Daily life’s ability to make me unnerved

 

is amazing.

 

Like most important events in my life span,

I don’t remember the trigger,

only know that I can

 

spend the rest of it anxious

that someone close to me will get cancer

and I’ll have to lie

 

and say the wig looks fine.

Not only do I seem snobbish

but also shallow; a total arsehole

 

and weirdo -

 

which was my first best friend’s opinion

when, aged seven,

I was unable to sleepover until she’d hidden

 

every last Troll doll from her window sill

behind the curtain.

I think that may have been the start

 

of our friendship’s decline. Smart

and resourceful I may have managed to be

[oh, the lies I’ve told!] but please

 

spare a thought for me:

 

the next time you see an extravagant Mohican

and know I’m unable to eat

sitting opposite that person

 

as much as I may like them;

 

the next time you get a haircut

and strands falling on your arm

don’t make you want to vomit,

 

nor walking through the hair carpet

 

on your way to pay at the counter;

the next time you brush your hair

imagine me pretending not to care,

 

yet feeling like I can’t inhale the air.

 

 

And try not to laugh.

Thanks.

 

Author's Note

Sorry that it's so long - I've been thinking about exploring this issue for a while through writing, and this contest kind of gave me permission to do so.
I'm meant to include a note here about the phobia; I think it's clear, but: hair-related stuff. Wigs, fake hair, moulted hair, fur, fluff...man, I'm pathetic I know, but there you go.
It's a lot better now but still bad, and was really severe for most of my childhood/adolescence.

Does the poem seem too whiny?

Is it annoying that it gets rhymier? - make it all rhyme or all non-rhymey?

Thanks.

Reviews

[Kim]

Phobias and aversions are so complex sometimes, and your right funny to some people. But they are real for whatever reason. I personally don't think it is to long, and I like how at the beginning your not sure what the phobia is, you work into it. I guess in a way I am the same way..........but my aversion to dog and cat hair and some other things you mentioned come from severe allergies and people just don't understand it sometimes. Well anyhow, I loved this piece and I am one who understands!!!

[F. Nazarov]

Interesting phobia, never have I heard of it.
So that was the cancer joke.
I don't find it offending at all and my mother had cancer.

To tell people is like exposing
vulnerability and hoping not to get kicked

Particularly liked that part and I don't really know why.
Just thinking, so you have a phobia to hair???
I don't find it funny, just interesting and kind of cool,
in a "Really, let me see" kind of way.
I didn't find it long, and the poem doesn't seem whiny.
To me it's more of a plead of listen I'm going to tell you,
and I would appreciate it if you didn't judge or laugh.

[eli mercuree rue]

boylan,

are you trying to detract from the true phobia you face? I feel like the hair thing which i can respect is a simple device you use to trick us into this alternate interpretation.. of you, of the poem , of god, of people-your people mostly..

it just seems like you were thinking of more than that one fear while writing this and abandoned the more personal for protection for acceptance of your denial or knowledge of that fear..


"Since my fear is weird and pathetic,
some find it funny to shove it in my face
while, with others, I'm too ashamed

to even say anything about it.
Who the f**k's afraid of wigs?
�and fur and hair and hairdressers"

ya know?

or am i just looking in toooooo deep?

i didnt notice the rhyme and i like this better than the informative poem i read last night
woohooooooooooooooo

it's got you tangled in there somewhere

and i like it

[Dezaraye]

I actually think that this piece works really well. I like the formatting that you've used and the free style. It works well with the subject matter. It doesn't seem whiny at all. :)

[Emily B]

Sometimes we need permission to spill our guts. Months ago I told my husband fears I'd hidden since I've known him. In fourteen years he never guessed how terrified I was of the dark. I guess he never noticed how many lights were left on all the time he worked nights and didn't get home til early in the morning.

Fears and phobias aren't funny. They are uniquely personal. And if it helps, I also have a weird aversion to oatmeal. :-)

[Tamme]

My phobia is weird to so I have respect for yours. I like how you wrote this it kinda gave me the heebie geebies thinking about the wigs.

Last night, though, I was working on my poem for this contest and had to stop cause it was dark outside and I had very visual mental images. Hopefully, I can get it finished and up this afternoon.

[Sheri Lynn]

In the beginning, i felt as though you were ashamed, hurt as though it stops you from living life but as I read you gain strength and humor at your own thoughts. A sense of confusion yet a need to break free. I appaud your strength to come forward and express in words what we so often feel inside yet cannot explain. It takes courage and I have found this community to be a great source of strength in what I have read and seen from other writers. Your in good company so if expressing yourself here helps you break and overcome this phobia, than by all means do it. We are here.
Huggs,
Sheri Lynn

[Amanda Crandall]

Honestly I'd say make it rhyme or make it not. It feels like you have two poems here, definitely exploring your phobia and yourself, and thats good, but I think you have a better topic than you think and you'd have an even greater poem if you tethered it down a bit

[thecoolone52]

yeah it seemed a little whiny because it dragged on a little bit.... just a tad bit towards the end.... however i liked it cause we all have our phobias.... i dont like beans... their gross..... cant stand em..... but i liked the imagrey and key points you gave......... to how you feel a certain way about hair..... so tubular write.......

[Tania Leigh]

I don't see how anyone could have the heart to laugh at someone with a phobia, no matter what the person is phobic about. I applaud you for writing this....judging from the reactions that you have at the mere thought of the things that disturb you, this could not have been an easy write.

And remember, I guarantee you are not alone with this aversion. I don't think the poem was whiny at all...it was matter-of-fact, it was very interesting, and informative as well. Great piece!

Thank you for entering the contest.

[Damien Dsoul]

Hate to say this, C., but you've changed. Indeed you have.

First let me start with the tone: so didactic in the first few verses, reminding me so much of my college Algebra teacher (I hated Algebra. During the final exams I chose not to answer any of the questions. I ended up getting an A+). The humour is sarcastic and at the same time caustic ... and dark. I pretended not to laugh, even when I just couldn't hold back myself. This poem would do well in a Woody Allen picture. For real.