Interpreting Sighs

I can wreck existential conversation

Chasing after the innuendoes,

Like flight patterns of butterflies

 

The difference between us, my friend,

Is that I’ve spent time learning

My weaknesses by rote

 

Tightening the cords of self-restraint

After each experience revelation,

In my attempts to be a better person

 

While it may be depressingly futile,

I like to think I might exit this world

Wearing a wise smile

 

Author's Note

Too simplistic?
Thanks for reading.

Reviews

[W.k.kortas]

I don't think "simplistic" is the right word--you're not doing yourself justice. There are a couple of spots where the metaphor is a bit too straight-ahead, e.g., the final line of the first stanza and the last stanza--but the central conceit is very nice, and the flow and pacing is quite good indeed. This is, at the very least, nicely conceived and executed as it stands, and it has the potential to be something special indeed.

[Julie Dant]

I'm certainly not qualified to give a knowledgeable critique, but I am adept at knowing what I like, and this is one. What I want to know is....how did you creep into my head and steal my thoughts? Hmmmm? ;0) Truly, if I could write as well as you, I might have written this, myself.

[The Tao of Bri]

No..not simplistic at all.. Concretely stated poems are often more poignant than volumes of flowrery speech. They both have their place to be sure, but for a powerful piece like this less is more~

[Phill Oz O'fee]

The poignancy of this write is it's simplistic imagery of highlighting a singular truth - experience equals wisdom. Where wisdom is described, as having gained knowledge, experience, and intuitive understanding, along with a capacity to apply these in a positive and constructive manner; it is the judicious application of knowledge.

Fascinating and thought provoking piece!

God's Blessing
Phillozofee

[zig]

i agree with the comment below, i think straight forward is a better term... and i dont think that simplisity is alawy a bad thing. in my opinion, things even more important than the complexity of an idea or statement, is the voice and tone. i think you have a strong voice, and that "is" the poem. but then im kinda weird... so

also, thanks for all of your reviews, especially on the poem summer, i think youre the first to really get that one, and its not very complex either. thanks again. zig

[Bennett Logan]

This isn't at all a simple piece... I'd actually say it's pretty heavy. It sticks to the existential promise that the title and the first three lines provide, as learning and existence/being is all related back to the self. I also like the brief three line stanzas. It's approachable and has a clear point. You have a knack for finding rhythm in your language, and I'll definately be reding more of your work.

There's always the but, right? As one other reviewer said, some of the language may be too explanatory. I'm not saying that it should be vague, but parts of the poem are very telling. I like this poem and I want to actually see "the cords of self-restraint" tightening. It's an excellent metaphor, my favorite in the whole piece really, and you snatched my attention with it.

Anyway, I hope you find my suggestions helpful. I truly enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good work.

[Cdnsurfer]

Ha ha! Claire, I think this one is pretty darn good. Tight, sharp, witty. What more can one ask for in a poem?

I wonder about the "can" in the first line. I think without it it makes a stronger, positive statement: "I wreck" rather than "I can wreck". Still, that line is sharp! Good strong imagery in the first stanza. I can visualize it all.

Second stanza draws the narration to other, to give a little wisdom of living. Very good. It speaks to other/reader. We have to listen. This is continued into the third stanza, where you continue with "being example". Learn from life and grow stronger...become a better person.

Finally, the conclusion. What it's for? To have lived wisely.

I can't see any flaws in this piece. It flows well. It breaths. It speaks.

Well done, my friend.

Rob

[J.P. Bristow]

Ahh I love when writer's use the language we are given in an articulate and expressive voice....well written!!!

[Jenny Davis]

So NOT simplistic! I really thought this was refreshing and bright...there's even a little taste of sarcasm inside the lines...I too, wish to learn and be a better person...very nicely written :)
(Thanks to Emily for sending this my way)

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

What a wonderful ending...truly I wish to do the same. Great work. Thank you.
Light,
Siddartha