Low Note

Life

is like listening

to a changeable song,

the meaning of which

you can only guess at,

and debate heatedly

at small tables

in those early, whisky-bleared hours

while smouldering corpses fill

the shallow glass murk

of an overcrowded cemetery.

 

Author's Note

It's murmuring and intense in my head, but is that the mood it created for you, or did I miss a beat?
Do the metaphors work ok?
Thanks.

Reviews

[aponijose]

So true. I know that this may be out of point but, this reminds me of the things I read on Youtube.

A couple of months ago, we were asked to do this assignment that required me to get some videos from that site and make a montage. Now most of the videos I had to get were that of soldiers during the war in Iraq. It was really heartbreaking when I read the comments that were written there. Whether some people were pro or against the war, it's really sad how some people could easily pass judgement and call something evil or how easily they could thinks so much less of the lives of others - Islam, Christian, whatever. And it somewhat pisses me of because people like us, we put so much care in the use of words... it's as if what we say could make or break the world... and these people, they just take it for granted (with such bad grammar by the way.) I guess it just tends to get to you when you think of how those soldiers from both sides would fell knowing that they are being talked about like this considering what they are going through.

(Sorry about that.)

Anyway, I like this piece because you were able to place such a powerful notion in such a small space. I wish I have the wisdom and the reserve it takes to do such deductions because seriously, I sometimes lose the scientific factor in my poetry. Not that I'm saying that yours is just full of it.

Personally, I think that it's a perfect balance of the art and science of words that makes it worth the read. It gets to you and gives you that degree of empathy and apathy along with thoughtful sense of urgency.

Good job.

[Rain]

I don't over think a piece like this. I loved the feeling it left me with. I just felt the decaying bodies of humans who pondered the same song. Rain..

[Travis Lawrence]

Murmuring yes, intense no, though my intense may be different from yours. This is powerful, but softly so. It really reminds me of "The Dead" by James Joyce in a lot of ways. I'm obsessed with that short story, though, so if I read something about a confusing life and death then I'll find a connection haha.

And the metaphors work well, I like "like a changeable song" and then the end, is something to behold.

Have a nice day!

[Julie Dant]

Count me as one who agrees with you as to the murmuring and intenseness of this write. I hope one day, I can do what you have done in a few short sentences. Convey my mood to the reader concisely, yet so richly. thanks for writing and sharing. I like.

[Anthony Morningstar]

Seems like it's something that I hear all the time. Did you hear about this team and that team and how well they worked the ball and such. People on the side lines talking about stuff that they don't have any control of or really understand. And in the end it's something akin to just wasting time until somthing better comes along like that great long sleep. And the second or third line reminds a bit of a heavy metal song or something like that. You know the types of music where you really can't tell what the "singer" is 'singing" and they perfer it that way. And with that thought it's kind of like the whole what I believe is right and what you don't isn't so let's talk aobut it all night and all day.

I think that was it? Or my drummer could never master that beat you laid down.

[Rachel Eisenberg]

This works in its simplicity. The mood is definitely there. I love the metaphors.
Definitely.

[Bennett Logan]

I like this piece... A lot. You illustrate your point well. Good stuff.

[zig]

yeah, now this i like... very tight, high impact and alert. i like that you start with the word "life" and end with "cemetery", as if the ver act of contemplating life/death sets us off endlessly spinning. this poem is very keen, very clean. enjoyed much. zig

[Damien Dsoul]

It sure feels selfish to say this: I can just picture you sitting in a pub in the late hours of the night, an empty glass seated in front of you, your hand holds a cigarette; you're staring at your reflection in a mirror while your lips murmur these words back at your face: contemplative and questioning, they sure are.

[Melanie Jane Boicourt S..]

Hmm, interesting. I just got done reading a poem called "This kindof blue" by rain. Then I read this poem. I hope that my whole day isn't this depressing.
Good job with the poem though.
Love All, Mejasha

[E. M. Murren]

Metaphors work very well. This is a fine write... powerful, in fact. It is a wonderful meditation. Thank you.