Painful Mouthful

Originally written for anthony morningstar's contest.

 

 

Numb to anger

Dulled to rage

Pity is a petty plague

 

You volunteered, lieutenant

So f**k you

And your family

And if you and the countless didn’t

We’d be Muslim or German

So f**k my opinion?

 

Hands up everyone

Who bought an anti-war badge

Laid false claim to compassion

And marched for the adrenaline

Of spitting on riot gear

“STOP KILLING OUR KIDS”

 

But thinks “the Asians” deserve it

For being terrorists?

 

Yeah

You’re full of s**t

 

“9/11 was so awful

Those poor people

Just going about their daily lives

Hostages trapped in the plane due to attack

Aware they were going to die”

 

How’d you think it feels for those in Iraq?

Practically suicide

Just going to work

Or slipping one hand inside your jacket

 

Messed up situations

Fuelled by passion, religion

And conflicts not-so-ancient

They might as well sign the dotted line

Inviting over ammunition

 

“Hey, here’s an excuse to abuse

Your global positions of power

The Middle East is chaos confused

Get your missiles over here

We can’t sort it out ourselves

 

This planet is our prison cell

And

We’re

Constantly

Taking a dump

On each other’s bunks

Then complaining about the smell

 

Author's Note

Can't believe I was proud of this about two months ago - it's fecking embarrassing, inaccurate and in need of a lot of work. However, I'm re-posting because it'll make me get into gear and fix this instead of leaving it aside.

Reviews

[Emily B]

It's very hard-hitting in places. You're touching nerves, making people think this morning. You could maybe turn it up a notch. I really like the beginning and the ending. Especially pity is a petty plague. If you change anything let me know, I'd be interested in seeing your process.

[zig]

i was reading this morning about how we are on the verge of creating artificial intelligence... which really its all that remarkable when you conside how unremarkable human intelligence is (i remember something about fools, and rushing)


"You volunteered, lieutenant

So f**k you" nice strong opening, perhaps this should be the opening (?). the only thing i can see that there might be a problem with some perspective changes, most of the time i feel that you are talking, then i get a feeling that someone else is speaking, might just be my own confusion, ask other and see what they think.

lots of really great lines in this: "Hands up everyone

Who bought an anti-war badge

Laid false claim to compassion

And marched for the adrenaline" very well laid out. i thought this piece was about "entitlement" everyone gets an opinion, and therefore opinions should be policy... i guess they call that idealism. we all need to be reminded how narrow our view is. not everyone likes to be reminded, not everyone will like poems like this, but we need poems like this. i think you could even make this harder if you wish. enjoyed much. zig

[The Archangel Gabriel]

Yeah! "Painful Mouthful" is back. I don't care if it is inaccurate and "needs work." There are still a lot of very good points about life and the world around us.

Great job! You can spit shine it later, trooper!

-Gabe

[The Archangel Gabriel]

I don't think that it needs a lot of work. It kind of speaks for itself. But, you know better than I what you want there.

I like the lines:

"This planet is our prison cell
And
We're
Continuing
To take a dump
On each other's bunks

Then complaining about the smell"

That seems to sum up the world situation pretty darned well. We are making a big mess of the world, and then we complain when the world is a large mess. I just read a poem by Blue Bard in which he says, "Don't feed the bears." Those are words for the wise. If you don't want the bears coming over and stealing your pick-a-nick baskek, don't feed them, Boo-boo. What ever happened to Yogi bear?

I would not suggest scrapping this poem, but you might want to "freshen it up a little" to make it pound home a little harder.

I like your disgruntled rage against the New World Order attitude. This was not my understanding of the meaning of the word "order." This has been chaos and wild pits of despairo.

Great write. Even when you claim to "need work," it still looks pretty good to me.

Thanks,
Gabe

[vicariouslyneurotic]

I really dig this poem. I admire how you acknowlege that the people hurt on 9/11 and the war in Iraq were not the ONLY ones. This poem reminded me of how we as a race can be so brilliant and yet so stupid. Brilliant because of your words and stupid becuase of the senseless violence.

[Anthony Morningstar]

I think it's worth keeping around. Ditto the last review I would like to see what you change.