These, The Creatures

Peace of mind is seldom violently broken,

having short-lived fits 

and bouts of restlessness.

Wandering along the dimly lit streets, 

they will stagger against 

the lone door of a shop, 

and another will approach after

five minutes have passed 

to either socialize 

or fight with it.

And in under some sort of fascination,

and in a ghostly silence, appropriate

to the time, they seem to spread

themselves upon the landscape,

given to wander, drip from abandoned ledges, 

splash from pipes and water spouts, 

and fall upon the concrete 

that paves the way 

down desolate sidewalks.

They continue to 

walk and walk and walk, 

seeing nothing but the 

dark tangle of streets,

containing sorrowful thoughts,

and no care for the coming of dawn.

Reviews

[JayG]

• Peace is seldom violently broken,

Might I point you to Fort Sumpter, Pearl Harbor, the assassination of Austrian archduke Franz Ferdinand. All of which broke the peace violently.

In fact, war is, by definition, violent, so peace is always broken by violence. In short, you need to rethink the opening.

Your intent for how the line was to be taken may be very different from that, of course. You probably meant peace of mind. But the reader has only what the words suggest to them, based on their background, not your intent—which is why you need to edit as a reader, who has none of the backstory that's in your head to give context to the words.

• Wandering along the dimly lit streets, these beings will stagger against the lone door of a shop

Again, you're thinking in terms of the images you hold in your mind. "These beings?" You've mentioned only that in your view, peace is quickly restored. Where did those staggering beings come from? And why do they only stagger against shops that have but one door. Do they avoid those that have a double door? You know. The people staggering around in your mind know. But what about the one you wrote this for? Shouldn't the reader know? If the story in your head never makes it to the page, the reader has words, yes, but no meaning for them.

One of the problems with the approach you're using, that of talking TO the reader, is that things that seem obvious to you will be left out. And when you read, because they are obvious to you, you'll never notice the loss of context...in less you're viewing it as a reader.

At the moment, your methodology is fact-based and author-centric, presented in a voice that contains no emotion, because only you know how you want it to be read. And the reader can't see you, hear you, or, know how you would read it in person.

Fiction and poetry demand an approach that's emotion-based and character-centric. Readers don't want to know that the narrator cried at a funeral, they want the writing to make THEM cry. and we can't do that with the book-report writing skills we were given in school. They inform, and provide an informational experience. Our goal is to make the reader feel and care, an emotional goal.

So do a bit of digging into the techniques that have been developed over the years. You'll be glad you did.

[LJW]

Peace of mind is not the same as war/peace.
Peace of mind doesn't need a bomb or armed troops to violently disrupt it.
One silent, invasive, dark thought can disrupt it.
The war in our minds is fought with 2 opponents. Ourselves and our thoughts, some would argue these are one in the same.

Nice work.

[lessa (kenzie)]

the night or days seem to be lingering on, loneliness forms. over all a wonderful descriptive write.
I assume it is about loneliness. Nicely done

[light and ashes]

I agree that you need to give more of a description about these beings, but I like it.