sunshine in which i am whole again

dreams about a lost friend

i search for a familiar face. he must be here; i have never known this place to exist without him. i wait in the july sun, and a pine breeze dances with my hair. when he trots down the path to meet me, he envelops me in reassurance and fond nostalgia. i’m alright, he says. don’t worry. i’ll explain everything later. the questions vanish. he laughs, and for the first time in months, the tension fades. he is safe. we are carefree children again.

i awake to mourning doves and icy light streaming through yellow curtains. for a moment, i am at ease, until the truth settles its heavy upon me once again: he is gone too soon at seventeen, his parents nowhere near grey. there isn’t enough air. there aren’t enough words. when i finally exhume myself from my bed, i leave a sodden pillow in my place.

five years later, he sings to me among daisies. his voice is golden as the dawn sky. i’ve been practicing, he says. i remember what you taught me. he sits beside me and takes my hand. the guilt is gone. i think he forgives me for everything i did wrong. i think i forgive myself for everything i didn’t know. we have grown so much. he gives me a smile, and the world turns warm and bright. it’s always summer when you can be the sun.

this time, the tears are gentle rain. i stare at an empty ceiling, holding something equally bitter and wonderful in my fluttering chest. i whisper, it was good to see you. feel free to visit again anytime.

Author's Note

I'm open to any and all constructive critique!