Numb Agony?

She screamed his name over and over but there was no answer. I thought this was forever. I thought this was forever. I thought this was forever. How can you not hear me when I’m sobbing right next to you? Invisible tears of “too busy” and “when I have time” and “I’m sorry” and the hell of a lot of things I want to say to you. But I don’t. She doesn’t. She can’t.

She watched the little red lines open on her thighs. You’re going to hurt him. You’re going to hurt him. You’re going to hurt him. But oh god I just want to feel something real again. Blood seeping from my skin and from my mind and from my heart. My heart is bleeding again. Maybe I ripped clean through the stitches you gave me. She wants him to heal her again. But he can’t. Or won’t.

She cried in her room all alone, but not even his smell on the hoodie clutched to her chest eased the pain. I’m losing him. I’m losing him. I’m losing him. Is this new place really so great that you can’t see that I’m dying?  But you love it here and you finally have friends and it’s been awhile since you fell apart. I guess you got your life together first. But she hasn’t. God knows she hasn’t.

She put on her fake smile for the whole world this time: even him. Be brave. Be brave. Be brave. But since when has loving you been hell and since when do your kisses feel like battle scars? I haven’t cried this much since before there was an us, and now I don’t think I can stop. Tomorrow will be different. It will. It has to be. It isn’t.

She sat down and tried to write all her pain out because that always helped. Just try harder. Just try harder. Just try harder. Maybe if I just cry on this paper my tears will tell their own story. But I can’t make this into something beautiful. This hurts too bad to become art. If our kisses are to grow colder and colder until the moon dies a frozen death with no sun to comfort her, I do not want to immortalize it. I do not want the world to remember. But it does. It will.

She just wanted a break from the agonizing fight that was her life now. Please make it stop. Please make it stop. Please make it stop. How can I save our relationship when I can’t even breathe without pain? My life has become a ceaseless dark battleground and my only ally would rather pretend there is no danger. I swear I’m trying to stay alive for you. I swear I’m taking the pain for you. I swear I won’t cut too deeply today.

But you’re busy. I get that.

Author's Note

Just give feedback :)

Reviews

[Emily]

Very nice wording!
Well done!

[Rachel Grace]

Thank you, Mike and Crystal!

[mike mcgrath]

your poems never seem to surprise me don't ever stop writing!!

[KittyKatgirl]

Wow this is really good :) But it is also really sad. I enjoyed reading this and keep up the great work :)