Chapter 2

My journal is lying open in Jacob’s lap, and the shock written on his face tells me it is too late to redeem myself. I feel my mask harden as he stares at me as if I am a stranger. Maybe I am.

                “Melanie….”

                “What are you doing?!” I snatch the journal from his grasp, anger written all over my face. “How could you?! You had no right….”

                He still seems speechless, and I want so badly to wipe that look off his face.

                “How could… I don’t understand… This is yours, right?”

                “Yeah. So? It’s my business!”

                “Melanie, how…. I mean, this doesn’t sound anything like you!”

                “Maybe you don’t know me!” I can not keep the anger from my voice.

                “But… listen to yourself!” He takes the notebook from my hands, and I don’t resist. I watch in despair and fury as he opens it to the middle and begins to read.

                “It is so dark and cold here, in my prison. I am so alone… But I understand my solitude. I do not want them to feel this. I don’t want anyone to see what my world really looks like. I cry until there are no tears left. I am so afraid, but I must remain strong. I must not let them see the girl behind the mask. Why am I even alive? Why? No one cares. There is no one out there who loves me. All I can feel is pain and rejection. All I know is the feeling of his hands on my skin, and his verdict. ‘You are not good enough for me. You will never be good enough.’ I cry behind closed doors, when there is no one to see, when the music fades. I must go one like this, painting my pretty lies, until the world believes them. Until I believe them. Until, maybe, maybe we can all forget those lies were painted with my blood-”

                Jacob breaks off, looking up at me with renewed horror, or maybe its disgust. I deserve it, after all. This side of me is worthless and disgusting. This Melanie deserves nothing. That’s why I hide her so well.

                Slowly, as if in a trance, Jacob sets the journal on my bed and leans over to me. I flinch back as he pulls up the sleeves of my floral shirt. We sit there like that for a moment. He stares at my wrists as if seeing a ghost, and I sit still, numb with shock, waiting for him to raise his head, and force me to look him in the eyes… waiting for the cold understanding that I have let someone else down.

                But Jacob’s eyes do not reflect what I expect them too. Tears sparkle in their warm brown depths. I look away, refusing to be bought by his sorrow.

                “Melanie….” He takes my face between his hands, trying to see what I am really feeling.

                I yank away angrily. “Let me go, Jacob!”

                He bites his lip, and I feel a twinge of remorse. Why did he have to drag himself into this?

                “In there… you wrote… about you and Christian…. You guys…..”

                “STOP!” I cut him off, almost screaming. “Don’t you dare bring that up! I’m… I’m not to blame for what happened.”

                He nods, hardly wanting to discuss my darkest secret any farther. “But… look, Melanie. You need help! I won’t tell about you and Christian… But you have to see someone about this.” He gestures to my wrists.

                I yank my sleeves down when I see the spidery lines still exposed. “I don’t need help, Jacob! There is no one who can help me! But you’d better bet you’re going to keep my secrets! Do you have any idea how miserable I would make your life if the world found out about this?!”

                “Melanie, you don’t have to threaten me. I want what’s best for you, that’s all.”

                “And what do you think that is?!” I feel my face flame red, but I am more scared than angry.

                He doesn’t answer my question. “Melanie, what is it you’re searching for? What is it going to take to make you happy?”

                My defenses crack at the emotion in his voice. “I just want someone to love me. That’s all. Is that so much to ask for?! After Dad left.... I guess I never got over it. And with Christian…. What is wrong with me?! Why can’t I be good enough for anyone!?” I freeze as I realize what I have let escape. “Sorry…”

                He reaches out to me, but I turn away. “You should go. I’ll be fine.”

                “But I want to….”

                The cry erupts before I can stop it. “NO!” I lower my voice slightly. “Please, just go. There’s nothing you can do, but keep my secret safe. Just keep your promise.”

                “Melanie…”

                “What?!” I know I sound snappy, but all I want is to be left alone.

                “I… I love you. I always have, you know.” He wants me to believe it. Is he that delusional?

                “I don’t need your pity.” The cold rock is back in my chest. I imagine I am made of stone. Nothing will break me.

                “But I do love you!” He doesn’t even believe it himself, that is obvious.

                “Get out, Jacob! If you really loved me, I wouldn’t feel this way, would I? I’m on a quest for love. If I had found it, would I still be searching?”

                The pain flashes in his eyes, obvious as lightning in a dark sky. My feelings never show like that. The eyes might be the window to the soul, but there are ways to close a window.

                “Alright, then. I’ll give you want you want, Melanie. It’s not my fault if you kill yourself!” He sounds so defeated. I look away as he stands and walks from my room. The front door slams a few seconds later.

                I feel like I’ve just been hit by a semi and am now flying suspended through the air, just waiting for the bone-crunching landing. How could I have been so stupid? After all these years guarding my secrets and I still haven’t learned. Oh God… Oh God this is bad.

                I sit on the edge of my bed and put my head in my hands, too afraid to cry. Everything is falling apart. If my real story was to get out… I shudder to think of what that could do to this castle I have built for myself. “Daddy! Look, Daddy! I painted a picture for you!”  The tears start to fall. “Where are you going, Daddy? Can’t you play with me? Just once?”  Gut-wrenching sobs. I haven’t cried like this in years.

                Melanie! That voice in my head fights for control. Melanie, get your act together! You can still pull out of this! I wipe the mascara-tinted tears away, and close both my eyes and my heart to the pictures of the Daddy I always wanted. You let Jacob get too close. You let down your guard after promising you would never make that mistake again. You must remember next time. Keep your secrets locked in and the world locked out.

I take a deep breath. It makes sense. I can do this. Right. Don’t trust anyone. No one. Ever.

You got lucky this time.  Jacob won’t tell. The strong Melanie continues her lecture. Just, whatever you do, don’t panic! I nod to myself, reassured that my defenses will hold and no one will find out. They can’t find out. It would ruin everything. But what if they do? I do my best to block out that annoying voice. I don’t want to believe that it may have a point. You know what you are, after all. I wish with all my heart there was a way to close my ears to the voices in my head. I feel like a Ping-Pong ball, thrown back and forth between two opposing forces, never free. Come on, girl. Admit it. You are much worse than a liar. Much, much worse….

I cannot listen to it anymore. The fresh wounds on my wrists are proof that voice will drive me mad. There is only one thing that can bring me temporary relief and so that is where I run. To a little white room with its vintage keyboard that has always saved my life.

 

Author's Note

Ignore grammar mistakes. I'll edit for those once I get plot stuff down.