Chapter 5 – Losing Grip, Losing Hope

The Greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. ~Stephen Hawking~

I woke from yet another nightmare with sweat matting my hair to my face and neck. I yanked the collar of my over-sized Tweety shirt up to my face and wiped away the moisture on my forehead. I put my face in my hands and took a deep breath before I looked at my clock.

4:02 AM

With a groan I slid my feet from the warmth of my bed to the cold wooden panels that made up my floor. I welcomed the change in temperature as it helped remove the stuffy feverish feeling the nightmare had left me in.

I had been in a dark pit surrounded by pythons of every colour. They did not harm me at first; they just slithered around me and over my limbs. Then suddenly, a huge pair of crimson red eyes flashed across my vision and before I could even blink them away, the pythons began wrapping themselves around my limbs, squeezing tighter and tighter, turning my already pale skin as white as chalk. Then one by one, they bit into my skin and their venom pulsed through my veins slowing my heart and eventually making it stop. The red eyes hovered and stole my vision the whole time, leaving me to wake up feeling vulnerable and alone.

There was one way I knew to combat feeling alone and that was comfort. I needed to comfort myself with smells and sounds that were familiar to me and that was exactly what I was going to do.

The hot shower was my welcoming comfort as I took off my pyjamas and stepped into the steam filled cubicle. I winced as the water hit my back and I realised that I had a purple-blue bruise on my spine. Without another thought, I turned to my next comfort; which was my shampoo; the same brand and scent of shampoo that my mother had used. It was the only thing I had ever asked Maria for, and it would be all I ever asked for. Never would I borrow money, food or even clothing from her or my father. My only request was that she buy me the exact brand of shampoo every time.

I let the hot water untie the knots underneath my skin and relax myself enough to bear the day ahead. I stepped out of the shower; put my pyjamas back on and crept into the kitchen where I pulled out chicken flavoured two-minute noodles; my favourite comfort food apart from chocolate. I cooked them in the microwave and sat at the table eating them and enjoying the silent sunrise.

Before I could enjoy another minute, James Krintah entered the kitchen with his work bag, he grabbed an iced coffee from the fridge and was about to leave when he did a double take and looked at me. Suddenly my comfort was gone. I took no pleasure from eating the stringy bits of pasta and the ones I had already swallowed, felt like worms in my stomach. I stood and plonked the remaining noodles into the bin and walked past him into my room.

Once I had quietly closed my door, I curled up on my bed and leant against the wall. A tear made its way down my cheek as I remembered the night before.

James had come in and yelled at me, calling me ungrateful and telling me that I should grow up and move on instead of living in the past. I hadn’t really acknowledged him until I felt a stinging on my back then his hands gripping my arms as he shouted at me about the scars that marked my body. I hid behind my hair, closing my eyes and wishing with all my heart that he would be gone.

 

*****

 

Maria walked into Lisa’s room and pulled open the curtains with a sigh. She was about to do her usual morning routine of getting Lisa up, but to her surprise, she saw Lisa sitting at her dressing table, fully clothed in her school gear but looking more pale and sickly than ever. Her skin was as white as ash and her green eyes looked tired and sunken into her face. They were rimed by black circles and her black hair was pulled into a tight pony tail at the nape of her neck. Maria could see Lisa’s facial skin stretch at the tension of her hair. Her school uniform dress was ironed and the collar turned down straight and neatly.

“Lisa?” Maria asked hesitantly. Lisa turned her head and looked at Maria, her green eyes piercing through Maria’s brown ones and Maria felt her heart begin to thud louder. Lisa looks ill, maybe she shouldn’t go to school, Maria thought.

“Yes, Maria?” The black haired girl asked extremely politely. No unpleasantness or even any emotion filled her face or voice and this made Maria more worried. Lisa felt perfectly fine except that her head throbbed with anger.

“A-are you alright?”

“Fine, thank you. I am going to go and wake up Amy or else we will be late,” Lisa rose from her chair with her back still perfectly straight and walked with perfect posture out of the room. Maria blinked a few times, trying to conceal the shock that filled her.

 

“Amy, it is time to get up or else we will be late for school.” Lisa said in the next room. Amy just groaned and rolled over, the blanket twisted around her body and her pyjamas were wrapped even tighter around her limbs.

“Amy, please, wake up. The quicker you get ready for school, the quicker you can see Kevin.”

As if those words were electricity, Amy jumped out of bed and rushed straight into the bathroom across the hall. The black haired girl began walking into the kitchen when someone grabbed her arm. Startled, she spun around and almost hit Maria in the face.

“Oh, it is just you. I am sorry for almost hitting you, Maria,” Lisa said politely. She paused before continuing. “Can I help you?”

“Are you okay? Do you want a hot Milo or tea or some chocolate?” Maria asked as her worry grew and grew. It almost exploded out of her when Lisa refused politely and made both hers and Amy’s sandwiches for school.

 

The car ride to the girl’s high school was even harder for Maria because all she wanted to do was beg Lisa to act like her normal self. When they pulled into the car park, Maria asked Lisa to stay back for a second.

“Lisa, are you sure you’re okay? You gave me an awful fright this morning. Is it the news about the baby? I’m so sorry about telling you on your mother’s birthday! I didn’t know because James never talks about your mother much…” she trailed off and the dark haired girl looked squarely into her eyes.

“Let’s just get this straight between us. I don’t like you. I have never liked you. You have made my father forget about my mother and you have also tried to replace her. I will never forgive you and I will also never be your daughter. I will act civil but that is all. You are still human. You are just like everyone else. You are a person who forgets and makes others forget. Leave. Me. Alone,” Lisa said in a quiet voice before getting out of the car and storming off. Maria’s face was almost as pale as Lisa’s as she drove off to work.

 

*****

 

I sat in home group silently with my friends chattering around me. Emily suddenly turned to me, her dark brown straight hair spinning elegantly when she turned.

“Lisa, are you okay? You seem a bit out of it today.” Her gorgeous green eyes bored into me but I just blinked and smiled.

“I am fine, Emily, I promise.” At least, I will be…. I pushed the thought away just as quickly as it had come as Emily hugged me. I felt an arm around me and I looked to see Kya hugging me. Then Jasmine, Mikki and Jamie and then to ruin the moment the class clown, Steve hugged us all shouting something about an orgy.

“Okay, okay!”  Our home group teacher Mrs. Jane shouted. “Time to go to class.”

Typically, everyone stayed sitting and talking just as loudly as before. I disentangled myself from the ‘orgy’ and walked off to biology without waiting for Mikki. I kept my head down and bumped into someone, making me drop my books down the flight of stairs I had been climbing. I considered leaving them there but I decided against it. With a sigh I bent to pick them up but someone had already collected them and was about to hand them to me. I looked up to see Jake from Math class. He half smiled at me and I thanked him.

“Thank you,” I said with a smile as I took my books. It wasn’t an easy smile to pull but it was more grateful than anything so I’m assuming it looked natural. “I am sorry for bumping into you. I was not looking where I was going.”

“No problem…” he replied with his accent. The autumn sun came out from behind a cloud and I felt the warmth fill everything, even my body. “You look different today. You can see your face. It looks good. People can see your green eyes.” He half smiled again. I realised that he had a small amount of boyish charm to his features making him look cute but not to a child’s degree.

“Oh, thank you.” I felt a slight blush creep up my neck in response to his compliment. “What lesson do you have now?” I asked as I continued my ascent up the stairs. To my surprise, Jake did too.

“I have Chemistry with…..Mrs Hellia,”

“You have that with my friend Kya.” We walked in silence for a minute of two. He kept his pace steady with mine. I began to retreat into my own world but I pulled myself out just in time.

“Well, have fun,” I said as I turned to go to the biology lab.

“Yeah, I’ll see you in Math. Bye!” I watched his retreating back wishing I had said more.

 

I sat in between Malika and Mikki with Jamie to Mikki’s left and a girl called Kacie on Malika’s right. I didn’t talk much……actually I hardly spoke at all. I missed my name in roll so I think I was marked absent, anytime anyone tried to talk to me, I would nod or grunt or just ignore them but this was not because I was being rude, but because I had retreated into my head; into my world and my thoughts.

There were voices shouting at me and they sounded strangely like my dad. They called me names like ungrateful. Others were soft and gentle from my mother, but I could barely hear them over everything else. There was also a different voice. A woman who I had never met but her voice seemed familiar to me just the same. Like a song where I can guess the next lyrics because they just feel like they belong. I think I even may have fallen asleep briefly but I had been woken up by shouting, which apparently, hadn’t happened. With the daunting prospect of magazine class after recess, I left the class with everyone shouting and laughing and talking about what they did in the holidays.

 

It’s hard for me to recount my day because I don’t actually think I remember myself. I spent the day in limbo. I lived each and every minute but I wasn’t actually in the minute. My mind was in other places. It wasn’t until the final school bell rang when the group pulled me aside that I realised just how much I had spaced out.

“Are you alright, Lisa?” Jasmine asked me.

“I am fine, why?”

“She’s been talking full on proper English all day! There is definitely something wrong!” Mikki turned to Jamie and they began chatting, worriedly shooting looks in my direction. Vaguely, I wondered where Kya was and then I saw her, talking to Jake. He told a joke and she laughed her brown hair swishing as she tossed it back over her shoulder. I saw Jake touch her arm and smile at her in a way the expressed only a deep adoration.

“I think they’re going to be an item.” Jasmine whispered to me. I jumped but recovered myself before anyone else could see.

“Definitely; he adores her. You can see it in the way he looks at her, the way he reaches out to touch her arm to stop her from moving away…” I spoke and I was shocked to hear the slight longing that tainted my voice. “Everyone, I have to go.” I said a bit louder so they all could hear.

“What?” Mikki asked.

“Why?” Jamie continued.

“I have to meet Amy so that her Grandmother can drive us home.”

“Oh, no,” Jasmine told me. “I got Kya to tell Amy that she’s going home alone today. You are coming to my house for a good long talk.” My best friend looked at me and I knew I couldn’t get out of this. No excuse would get me out of this…nothing.

“Fine,” I told them stubbornly. “But I will not say a thing.”

“Oh, yes, you will.” Mikki shot me a mischievous look.

Without another word, I was pulled into a four-wheel drive and after Mikki, Jamie, Jasmine and Kya climbed in, Jasmine’s dad drove us to their house. I looked in the rear window and saw Jake shoot Kya a final glance before walking to the student car park. I smiled inwardly at how cute their romance was and how it would blossom over however long they would be together.

 

*****

 

Lisa sat on my black bed in the centre of my room. The blood red walls were covered in black torn material and the once cream carpet was now grey and covered in spillages from the many sleepovers I had had with my friends.

I sat on the floor at the foot of my bed and studied my group of friends. Kya sat against the door; her green eyes shining with worry but inside I could see her secret delight that concerned Jake. In my black faux fur beanbag sat Mikki and Jamie was sitting in my black and red computer desk chair. Spinning idling until someone spoke.

I felt my heart drop as I saw Lisa realise that she had to tell us what was wrong. All I could see when I looked at her was how much she had been through. I could see the pain that losing her mother had caused and also the pain that her father caused her with his new family.

I reached out and grabbed her hand, gripping it tightly to let her hopefully feel comforted by the contact. It worked.

“Yesterday…..was my mother’s birthday.” Lisa began hesitantly. I nodded in encouragement and she continued to relay the events. “She turned fifty one. I spent an hour at her grave. I cleaned the headstone, got her new flowers and I ended up crying,” she took a deep breath and her chest buckled slightly with sadness. “I do it every year… just to let her know I haven’t forgotten about her….that I miss her so much….that I would do anything to have her back….” She wiped a tear that had made its way down her cheek.

Mikki and Kya got up to hug Lisa and then, Jamie and I were also wrapped around her. We ended up sitting around her on my small black covered double bed. I almost laughed aloud but then Lisa started blinking frantically, shoving back tears.

“That’s not what made you heaps upset was it though?” I asked a little hesitantly.

“No, Jazie. I got home and James nearly hit me, but Maria walked in before he could make contact. They told me to take a seat in the lounge with Amy….” Lisa’s voice went bitter and almost demonic as she continued. “Maria told me that she is pregnant, she has a child in her stomach that was spawned by my….Father….” she spat the f-word out in anger. “I think it’s a good thing. Maybe a baby will calm everything down… but what made me angry the most…..was when James didn’t understand why I was upset about being told that night. It was my mother’s birthday and they had the nerve to tell me that I was getting a new family!?” Lisa’s face began to turn red with anger and I saw in Mikki’s eyes the anger that just the name, James Krintah, brought to her.

“He didn’t bloody hit you did he? I swear I’ll kill him if he did. I really will. I don’t bloody care about the cops. If he hurt you….”

“Mikki…. Calm down, okay? I’m sure he wouldn’t have hit her last night….” Kya trailed off as Lisa shook her head.

“He did. Not until about one in the morning, but he did. He came in and called me ungrateful and disrespectful. He was shunning me for ‘living in the past’. When he didn’t get a response from me….” Lisa lifted the back of her school dress, not just exposing her underwear, but the purple-blue-black handprint on the curve of her spine. “That’s what he did. I didn’t cry out, but he saw these,” she showed us the fine pink lines that were once scars on her skinny thighs and forearms, marks of her past.

Looks like Lisa had been cutting herself more than she told me, I thought as I recognised how the skin around them was pink from being scratched, trying to be re-opened.

“When James saw these he grabbed me by the arms and caused more bruising up here… He then threw me against the wall and left me. I fell asleep and had a nightmare…” Lisa proceeded to tell us about her nightmare and everything that had happened until she had met up with us before school today. I hugged her again, careful though, so I didn’t touch a bruise and cause more pain for her.

“Hey, it is May, right? Isn’t it?” Kya asked suddenly; her voice breaking the moment of both angry and thoughtful silence.

“Yeah… OH MY GOD!” Jamie shouted as he caught on. “LISA! How could you let us almost forget!?”

“What?” the poor girl asked clueless. “What on earth are you talking about?”

“Your birthday is this weekend!” Kya shouted. “That means sleepover!”

“Oh, no. You are not coming to my house! I am not letting James near you!” Lisa stood in protest and her dress fell back into place. I stood too and made my own protest.

“But it’s your nineteenth!” I whined. “Lisssaaaaa please???? You only turn nineteen once and you have to spend it with your real family!”

“You said that last year about my eighteenth!” she protested. I stared at her with puppy dog eyes until she sighed. “Ugh… fine. But NO PRESENTS! And if you break that rule, I will have to throw you all out of my house!” Lisa said with what I thought was anger but she began laughing so we all did.

Our giggling was interrupted by my dad’s knock at the door.

“Um, sorry to…er…interrupt…” he looked at us giggling girls hesitantly. “But, Lisa, I just got off the phone with your dad. He wants me to tell you that he’s coming to pick you up at five o’clock.” All our eyes swivelled to my black and red Vampire clock on my oak bedside table.

4:47

My dad crept out of my room and shut the door just as Lisa turned and glared in his direction. She then gave up at being angry and sighed in exasperation. I certainly didn’t want her to leave and as I looked around at the others, I could see their reluctance to leave her too.

“Lisa, you don’t have to leave…” I began but she cut me off.

“Yes I do. Or else things will be twice as bad when I do get home,” she looked at her feet.

Mikki got up and walked to her black and plaid school bag. She searched for a minute and then pulled out what looked like a box full of sewing things.

“Hold still, okay, Lisa? I’m going to give you something to boost your confidence.” Mikki smiled and Jamie and I got up to help.

“Oh, Oh! Can we do mine next!?” Kya bounced on my bed excitedly.

“Sure, but you have to help us with Lisa’s or she’ll have a half finished one,” Mikki told her and we all began holding, pinning, sewing, tightening and loosening parts of Lisa’s dress. When we had finished and removed all of the pins that could prick her, we let Lisa stand in front of the mirror and admire our handiwork.

“I look like I have curves!” Lisa exclaimed in joy. She ran her hands over her waist and then to the bottom of the dress which Kya had taken up so it sat just above her knees to show off her beautiful long pale legs. Mikki had removed some of the school buttons on Lisa’s dress and replaced them with black skulls. I had torn parts of the collar to give it a punkish look, and Jamie had folded the sleeves and pinned them with safety pins of all colours.

“Thank you guys so much!” she turned and hugged us all.

“Group hugs are so much better without Steve yelling ‘orgy’,” Jamie said and I smiled.

“Hell yeah,” Mikki and Kya laughed.

A car horn beeped outside and Lisa held on to us tighter for an extra second before letting go and picking up her shoulder bag.

“Bye guys. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said sadly as she descended the stairs of my house. I watched her from my doorway then I bolted to my window and squeezed with the others as we tried to get a good view of James and Lisa. She didn’t talk to him at all and she ignored his yelling as she climbed into the car. As he got into his car, his shouts reached my ears.

“What have you done to your school clothes!? We paid good money for them and you just ruin them! I ought to…..” he got into his car and drove off.

I felt really bad about what we had done now.

“If he hits her tonight, I will kill him.” Mikki said as she pulled away from the window.

“Mikki, don’t say that,” Kya told her. “Lisa wouldn’t want you to go to jail for her.”

“Well, he has to be stopped! He can’t just hit her whenever he pleases!”

“I know, but we have to do what’s best for Lisa,” I said as I climbed away from the window sill and onto my bed. “And right now, what’s best for Lisa is that we think about her birthday this weekend.”

“Maybe we should invite Emily?” Mikki asked.

“And Jake! He knows Lisa too.” We all turned to Kya and then shot each other a look. We knew that there was more to inviting Jake. He wouldn’t be there for Lisa’s company.

“Okay, well, we’ll invite them too. But what are we going to get Lisa? We can’t all buy the same thing...”

“What if we all put our money together and get her one gift. I mean, she said no presents, plural,” Jamie suggested.

We began discussing what we would do this weekend. My dad ordered pizza for dinner later and we ended up half studying and half planning Lisa’s birthday. When everyone went home, I found that I was feeling a little better about Lissa now. At least she was talking to us and not holding it back, right?

 

Author's Note

fifth chapter.
Please comment?