The Drive's

It’s late afternoon when he picks me up in his light blue Chevy wearing a plain white tee and navy coat. His hair is gelled back like the wind’s just blown perfectly through it.

He chats to my Dad while I finish getting ready and when it’s time to go my parents call out not too be too late.

In the car on the way Nathan shares cigarette with me, and before long I can see the flashing lights spelling out where we are headed, The Drive In.

Once we get in Brooke and Michael come and find us and we all grab some food. Nathan buys me a hot dog and shake. I’m super careful not to spill any sauce on my dress.

With it’s swirling blue and white pattern, full skirt, tight waist and collared neck it is one of my best. My Mum would be furious if I ruined it.

Through the movie Nathan ever so smoothly makes his move. We kiss softly on the lips. As the night goes on we kiss a few more times before he drives me home and walks me to the front door.

I know my friends are going to want to know exactly what happened at school on Monday. I will be sure not to tell too many details though.

 

                        * * * * *

 

The car horn beeps as I pull my hair back into a bun. Dad calls out for me to put some clothes on as I run out the door.

I don’t know what he is talking about, you can’t even see my a*s in these shorts.

“Hey, what’s happening?” I say as I jump into his white station wagon. I’ve seen him around a few times, but only really spoken to him on Facebook. He’s wearing Vans an oversized jumper and a snapback, he’s looking god to say the least.

He hands me a ciggie as we cruise around for a while trying to work out what we should do. We decide to meet up with Michael and Brooke. He buys me a meal through drive through before we get out in the car park. Michael and Brooke are all over each other and Nathan and I are starting to get pretty close too.

We sit and smoke as the seagulls roam around the crowd picking at the scraps.

Once we start to get bored and have taken enough selfies to let everyone know what we’ve been up to we head off.

Nathan f***s me in the back of his car on the side of the road and drops me home straight after, as I get out of the car he tells me he’ll text me.

I’m obviously going to tell my friends every detail ASAP. I wouldn’t want anyone thinking that I’m frigid.

 

Author's Note

Grammer and style of writing. Can you see what I've tried to do and did it really work?
I'm not sure if I'm happy with it myself, so any tips would be appreciated.

Reviews

[Chris]

Chuckling here... The "times" never really changed all that much - the opportunities to use it did ...change. But the circle is coming back around again, ya think we're growing a social conscience and awareness of being a person? Sensitivity goes just so far ...and the "bad" boy/girl still attracts minds' eyes.

[Shaan Ahmed]

good story, sure there are grammar errors and spelling mistakes but nothing you can't corect:) keep up the good work

[Beccy]

As with 'it was 11pm when she called,' the storyline here is excellent and little tidying up would make both versions a more enjoyable and interesting read.

Beccy.

[Edmond Mashao]

I love your style of writing. Keep it up

[Roger Turgeon]

OK now I'm confused is this two guys or one guy with two different cars?

[taali]

It's a 1950(-ish) account of a date- the innocence, purity, simplicity. And then a modern retelling of a similar situation- the publicity (Facebook - telling friends EVERY detail), the disregard for purity ('f***s me in the back of his car and drops me home straight after'), etc.

[Margo Seuss]

When I read this, the first thing that came to mind was the movie Grease. Maybe it was the car and drive through thing! Anyway, I did find a few typos. "he's looking god to say the least."

[SnakeEaterCorpo]

I really like your clear writing and detailing, very much enjoyed it:) hope you can check out of my stories and give me your opinion.keep up the good work:)

[NoelHC]

Grammar, I would suggest that contractions such as it's, wind's, etc be written out in full except in quotes. But maybe you are going for a more casual feel to the whole thing. Watch the it's and its, and the to and too errors.
Style of writing, and I am as guilty of this as anyone, instead of telling what was said, maybe direct quotes makes the writing better.

when it’s time to go my parents call out not too be too late. Maybe my parents call out "Don't be too late."


Dad calls out for me to put some clothes on as I run out the door.

Maybe As I run out the door Dad calls out "Put on some clothes!"

I am unsure of whether you are asking us to compare the two short stories, but I can see two definite personality types here in your female character, and some differences in Nathan as well.

I can see the "proper" girl in the first story developing into something more detailed in plot and progression, as her and Nathan become more intimate.

The second female character may be more one dimensional, and I think Nathan doesn't take enough time to explore her completely before banging her in the back seat, and ditching her at home.

I needed more of that action in the car for that story.

A lot will depend on what you plan to do with tale, and where you want to take it.

I like it a lot so far though.

[Rachel]

Thanks Noel. Will definitely take this all on board. Especially the writing in quotations :)

[A. Amos]

There were some typos, i enjoyed the start like the first session was interesting...