A vampire crashed my wedding

He stood among the risen dead,

his fangs soaked blood red,

a king of evil and of dread,

his eyes turned black as he fed,

the souls that once bled,

who were so easily misled,

He sunk his fangs inside her neck as she pled,

but her soul belonged to him instead,

as she lay silently on her deathbed,

all that remained was bloodshed,

and a crimson blotched veil as thin as thread,

a priest his cross and looked ahead,

the vampire flew as he fled

in the sky's overhead.

Reviews

[Kelly]

There are few parts that don't match up well due to rhythm. Line 2 is an example, the line would flow better if it said "his fangs soaked blood red". Lines 5 and 6 are either out of order or just need to be re-written because they sound confusing, they don't relate well to the lines before them. There are a fee lines like 7, 10, and 12 that need to be shortened. There are too many extra words that make them lose the versatility that the other lines had. The last two lines sort of bother me, I'm not sure why but they do. I like the way the last line sounds, I think the transition from the second to last line to the last line is what is bothering me.

[Luna Lucretia Lawson]

Thanks i have tried to fix it, i hope its a little bit better or at least less confusing. Sorry about that