I'm going soon

Just some thoughts

I’m going soon. I know that you’re okay for now, but there will come another time when you find yourself wanting to die again, and I doubt that you will tell me when that time comes, despite what you promised. I realized very early, that I simply did not fit into your life, no matter how hard I tried to, but I can’t bring myself to walk away even though I’m sure it’s what you want too. I’m tired of lying to the people around me, I don’t love them you see, and the idea of love was lost on me long ago. Many will look on me as a stupid teenager, who didn’t realize how good her life was. But I do my dearests, I do, it’s just sometimes late at night I get scared, so very, very scared. And a 20, 30, 50 metre fall seems to me like my only way to fly, a knife and a limb a new way to cry. I accepted this a long time ago, but I think that when the time comes I may still cry. Not from fear, but from knowledge confirmed, that every hug and held hand, every kiss and soft touch, were just deliriums I leaned upon when I needed not to be alone. But we all are you see, every second of our lives we spend alone encased in the filters of our mind, right up until the point of death, when we reach with naivety for the hand we know is not beside us, and try to construe something physical from the air our fist closes around. I know this time is real, I came too close to living my fears and it’s time for me to go. I hope not one of you follow me, not for a long time at least, I hope you live your lives of unreachable highs and unthinkable lows, I hope you meet the person who will keep you warm at night, even while you are both shivering, I hope you come one day to realize how amazing you, and you alone are. Because that is all you will ever be. And all you ever are is perfect. I hope you are all happy, as I will be going soon.