Chapter I

Chapter I of the Novella: Eli's Secret

It was a gray morning in the town of Hillsborough. 

The rain had began to pour down hard from the sky and the cold made joints ache and war wounds tingle. It was the first day of school and everyone was looking forward with both interest and dread to the new year. However, some people were more afraid than others of what the year was going to bring about. Especially in the two-story house in the middle of Hammond Avenue.

Slowly, I woke up from my bed that was adorned with violet blankets and looked around the room, I rubbed the sleep from eyes with my pajama sleeve. I stood up slowly, hitting the snooze on my alarm clock and stretched gently, trying not to over-exert or injure myself and then walked over to my bathroom that was joined to my bedroom. I looked in the mirror and saw myself looking back. Thankfully, my hair was getting longer, but unfortunately, my poor face just wasn't growing a lick of hair on it. Sighing, I looked at myself and whispered, "Well, another day of nothing."

I was always wanting to grow a beard. My grandfather, Rabbi Eliyahu Leibowitz, had had a large silver beard and long peyos from the sides of his head back when he was alive. My own father, when he was alive, had a full beard, but not long or sporty. I, however, didn't have a single strand on my skin. I felt I was cursed, as it is one of the 613 Mitzvot to grow a beard and never shave it. 

Longingly, I took one more look in the mirror and then I went to take a shower. I quickly turned it to hot and turned a bit of it cold, knowing if it was too hot it would burn my pallid skin and I would show up to school looking like a tomato. I unbuttoned my shirt, removed my pants and slid into the shower. I wet my body, lathered up the soap that was sitting on the shelf and spread the lather to my slim torso and arms. I have never been muscular like some Mr. Universe, but I do have the outlines of abdominal and pectoral muscles. However, for being a 19-year old high school senior in a rowdy town, I did not have any tattoos or piercings.

To tattoo or pierce the skin is a form of desecration in the Torah; My family were second generation Jews from Poland and very observant of Judaism. However, they were very liberal and followed the Reform movement of Judaism. My family, the Leibowitzes, were one of the many Jewish families that lived in Hillsborough. Most of the families on Hammond Avenue and Blake Street were related to me and they all worshipped at the same synagogue on Garland Street. I didn't go to synagogue as much as I wanted to, my mother worked all the time to support us and I had to walk to ride the bus to and from school. I didn't go much of anywhere, usually I just stayed at home, studying my Torah or doing homework. 

With a breath of refreshment, I got out of the shower and was humming a bit of a song that was playing over the radio my poor mother must have forgot to turn-off early that morning. I walked into my room, wearing my light blue robe and fitting my Yarmulka back on my head. It was a good thing too, I hated when my hair was rowdy and frizzled out. I reached into the closet and laid my clothes on my bed and looked out the window. It was raining, again, I loved when it rained...only because I could sleep peacefully. However, sleeping and school had almost nothing in common, except that they were always combined hand in hand. I dried myself off and started putting on my clothes. Slacks, white dress shirt, gray sweater with silver snowflakes knitted into them, and my black shoes. I don't want to say that I was handsome, as that would be a vain and I'm a humble person.

I looked grabbed my backpack and headed down to the kitchen, turning off the radio that my poor mother must have absent minded left on. I grabbed a brown paper bag with my lunch in it. My mother still made my lunch and I would return the paper bag to her folded. It was a tradition, I suppose.

I packed my lunch in my backpack and started walking outside. It was windy, rainy, and generally, depressing. I wasn't worried about missing the school bus, but about catching flak from the group that waited at the bus stop. I'm not rude or hateful to anyone, I'm a dreamer and I have a soft voice and looks. Its not that I wanted to be like that, but I rely more on my intelligence than I do muscles or abuse. Maybe that's why I made such an easy target. 

I just closed my eyes to protect against the blistery winds and kept walking. I looked up and saw them all standing there at the corner by the bus sign. I sighed. Here we go again.

They were all in my grade, seniors, but they were the athletic types or the s****y cheerleaders. And at the head of them was my cousin, Jacob Fink. He immediately caught my stare and held his girlfriend, Jenna Roberts, closer. He laughed at some joke one of the guys said and then said, "Hey Ellie, what you doing?"

I just stood there, hoping to turn invisible, and waited for the bus. He spoke again, "Ellie, why are you wearing a gay sweater, are you some kind of faygele?"

Then the voice of his little lackey, Bradley Barker, spoke up from the group, his voice was both low and slightly guttural, "You know, my grandfather used to wear sweaters like that, are you trying to be an old man, cause you really look like one."

Jenna laughed and said, "What's wrong Ellie? Can't you speak up or are you scared your balls might drop when you do?"

I sighed as the bus pulled up and the laughing bunch got on the bus and I followed behind them, trotting by with my wounded pride. I looked at the seats, filled with kids of middle school and high school, and all the seniors in the back of the bus. I knew I wouldn't survive if I attempted to sit back there, so I sat in an empty seat that was on the left. Across from my seat was a girl I had never seen before. She had short black hair, skin as pale as mine in the gray sky, and wore a short-sleeve flowery shirt and gray pants. She looked over at me and smiled, but I just stared back at her, my lips only forming a small smirk. 

I stopped smiling after my father died and tried to keep myself from smiling, even at celebrations or parties. I just sat back and waited for the bus to stop at Hillsborough High School.

Author's Note

Ignore grammar problems

Reviews

[Chris]

There's some good characterization of Eli in this chapter. The two details that stuck out to me the most were his inability to grow facial hair and his habit of reusing paper lunch bags. These two things, along with his choice of wearing a snowflake sweater on the first day of school, paint him as a unique character and can easily serve as a way to make him memorable. Great job there.

This was my favorite line of the chapter:

"I stopped smiling after my father died and tried to keep myself from smiling, even at celebrations or parties."

It has the right hook to it, perhaps because it was unexpected--in a good way. It also might point to something that will generate some kind of conflict during the course of the story (just making a speculation here).

This first chapter might benefit from a stronger opening. We get a lot of great details on Eli in the first few paragraphs, but not a whole lot happens, and it's important to create a hook within the first paragraph or two, if not from the very first line. A better opening might also get him interacting with someone sooner; generally, a character probably shouldn't be alone for more than four paragraphs, and even that might be a bit much. Maybe move the opening closer to his arrival at the bus stop? Or maybe have his mother home on this morning?

One more thing:

"Ellie, why are you wearing a gay sweater, are you some kind of faygele?"

How common is it for a teen Jew to use Yiddish words, especially someone as popular as what Jacob (presumably) is?

Overall, this is a pretty good start. It'll be interesting to see what perspective Eli's Judaism will bring to this story and to see how conflict will play out between Eli and Jacob as the story unfolds.

Happy writing!

[Jennie Baron]

I like your characterization of Eli and I started to like him. Keep writing! It shows talent and potential especially for someone so young.

[Len Gesinski]

Of Resilience and Survival......certain pain(s) that one needs to get over....or be willing to get over.

Powerful Write....