Chap 1

I saw her picking her way through the uneven field toward the party by the lake. Instantly I knew that this was the woman my neighbor had told me he hoped wouldn't show up. And being the nice girl I am, decided to keep any drama down and let her know to turn around and go away. This was my neighbor's celebration of his promotion at work and he had invited a few co-workers and friends over to his house. He certainly deserved to have his moment without some woman trying to ruin it.

 

Leaving the chatting folks by the beer cooler, I made my way through the gathering night to where the woman had slowed to observe the scene. I got directly in her path and crossed my arms.

 

"It's a closed event," I told her.

 

 

She started to go around me, not bothering to acknowledge me. And I got in front of her again.

 

I said in a clear, firm voice, "You are not welcome here."

 

The woman paused, cocking her head to the side, looking like she had never heard words like that spoken before to her. Her dark eyes narrowed as she assessed me. She was taller than me by quite a bit and dressed like a fashion goddess.

 

"Go find somewhere else to party," I told her, my tone going icy.

 

"Oh I think I'm happy here," she responded, stepping toward me. She moved with a feline predatory grace. Long legs and a supple body. "And I'm done playing with you."

 

She sprang at me, long hair moving like a curtain of darkness, mouth open and fangs exposed.

 

A vampire. I had never taken on a vampire before and adrenalin poured through my body. High stakes this would be. Especially for a learning round. I wondered if my neighbor had known she was a vampire.

 

I caught her hands as they reached for me. A flash of confusion crossed her face as I didn't collapse beneath her super human strength. She made me take a step back, but I held her long nails away.

 

Her fangs were reaching for me. I slammed my head into her mouth and was rewarded by her scream. One of her fangs was broken by my thick skull. I smirked to myself.

 

"My turn," I hissed.

 

Her eyes widened with shock or fear or both. She was now wishing she had listened to the small woman with the long light brown hair and big green eyes.

 

My grip tightened on her and I started pulling her soul out through her wrists. She screamed in shock, frantic to get away. Oh yes, against the popular myth, vampires have souls. And I just happen to eat souls. Ok not eat them, but drain the life force energy from it. Immortals are hard to kill this way, but they sure don't like it.

 

Now the vampire was struggling to get away, frantic. Her pale skin was going even whiter.  I held on to her, feeling the rush of energy flooding into me. She had a funny taste, nearly metallic, and I really didn't want to draw any more.

 

When I felt her sag, her strength nearly gone, I flung her away. She stumbled and nearly fell, her eyes wide with horror, loathing, and fear.

 

"You have been warned," I said, my tone harsh. "Don't return."

 

"Soul eater!" she whispered.

 

I just smiled at her. She turned and hurried away, forcing her drained body to move. Who was she to be shocked. She drains blood, I drain energy. Either of us can kill. Mine is just far less messy.

 

As I made my way back to the party, into the softly lit area, my eyes scanned over the people. Normal humans who had no idea what had just happened. I wanted to giggle - my first encounter with a vampire - and I won!!

 

My neighbor, Van, came over to me. He was the tall, atheric type, dark hair and bluish-green eyes. Most women said he was good looking for a man in his early forties.

 

"You have a scratch on your forehead," he told me, wiping it with a paper napkin.

 

The vampire fang had taken a shot before I broke it, I guessed. I smiled at him. "Wow, don't know how that happened."

 

He gave me a stern look. "Looks a bit like a tooth mark."

 

I shrugged. "If you say so."

 

"Did Angelique show up?" he asked, pressing the napkin to my head firmly.

 

"Is that the name of tall, dark, and vampy?" I responded.

 

Van smiled slightly. "You could say that." He lifted the napkin up to examine the scratch. He frowned at the small cut. "Anything on the head likes to bleed," he muttered.

 

"I think I met her," I told him. "And asked her to leave. She wasn't used to being denied I think."

 

"But you convinced her to leave?"

 

Smiling, I said, "I can be persuasive."

 

"I don't doubt that," he said.  He pressed the napkin firmly on my head again. "Keep holding that. I'll grab a band-aid."

 

As I waited for Van to return, my gaze slid over the people at the party. An odd group of work associates, neighbors, and random friends. But they were chatting and drinking and seemed to be having a good time. None of them were ones I would say I would normally associate with, but Van had a way of collecting folks.

 

"Here," Van said, putting the band-aid on the scratch, complete with anti-bacterial ointment.

 

"Thanks."

 

"Thank you for dealingwith Angelique." He kissed me on top of the head.

 

His energy washed over me like a soothing sorbet. I absorbed the excess that he gave off to the universe and it erased the metallic taste of the vampire. But I was careful not to pull it out of him. One never takes from friends. Only the energy released by them naturally.

 

A moment later, he moved away and we both headed back to the celebration. Van grabbed me a cup of the punch and handed it to me with a hint of gallantry. I accepted with a smile.

Reviews

[Raynedog]

Ok so standard disclaimer. The views one person don’t reflect the views of everyone and in particular, the persons views you are about to read is unpublished, uneducated, and many other un’s.

So in terms of the actual text I has a few thoughts, feels like an extra word crept in here and there.
“And being the nice girl I am” I think you can effectively drop the “and”
I think this exchange might work too, consider dropping the crossed out bit:


"It's a closed event," I told her.

She started to go around me, not bothering to acknowledge me. And I got in front of her again.

I said in a clear, firm voice, "You are not welcome here."

Now let me first say that I often hear various folks disparage any tale that involves, vampires, zombies, werewolves, wizards, dragons, time travel, or bars. And yet, when I look around at some of the most beloved lit in popular culture, I can’t help but think about
Interview with a Vampire, Harry Potter, 50 Shades (based on a fan fiction of a story about vampires), Twilight, Game of Thrones, True Blood, and the list goes on. Cleary there are enough people that like that sort of thing that, I think that’s it just not what you’d call an underserved audience.

That being said you tone at the reveal of the soul eater is almost apologetic as it is playful. The tale seems to straddle the line a bit between taking itself seriously, while sheepishly admitting it’s a story about fantastic things. My advice would be to pick on and bring it to the forefront.

The way the dialogue works in the story can still work the same, but the inner monologue of the MC would have reflect the tone you choose a bit more. An example what I’m talking about can be seen in the latest Avengers movie. You know that scene where the plucky arrow slinger is explaining to the girl with telekinetic powers that, in the grand scheme of things, none of this makes sense and it’s all a little silly but it’s still reality, so just go with it.

To me that sort of tips the hat to the fact that yes, it’s fantastic over the top comic book stuff, but yes, these are developed characters and admit it, you love it.
When you write this, write with the knowledge that we love it. We crave it. We need it. There are those of us who want vampires, soul eaters, man-bear-pigs, grim reapers, wizards, and all the fantastic trappings they bring with them.

Just be aware that much like thanks giving dinner, I’ve had a lot of Turkey dinners in my life so if you’re going to serve me a turkey dinner, it’s really about what else you bring to the table.
The chapter gets going well enough and there is some conflict at the door, but then the story sort of trails off with no escalation, or building or resolution. The end of the chapter sort of just ends and there isn’t anything going on that we are want to know more about in the big picture sense.

Sure there, are the lingering questions about the soul eater, the friend, vampires but those are natural curiosity points created by the introduction of any new character into the story. What I’m talking about is that, in your head, you’ve seen all of this. You know where it’s all going and who’s who and why that’s important but you don’t let us in on that at any point. I suspect that you are placing value on the soul eater vampire relationship sort of driving the mystery as the reader wants to find out more about that world because in your head it plays out like a vivid movie over and over forcing you to write it down. WE can’t see that vision though and the world building is minimal at this stage in the tale. Your challenge may be to figure out how to get us more information about the world and the time, tone, tempo, style of the times it’s set it.

So give me cliff hanger or a reveal or both at the end of the chapter. If this chapter was going to be the first episode of an HBO show based on your works, what would the thing be that brings us back to the next episode?

There has to be an over arching plot, mystery, events or events that unfold though out the tale so get those into the first chapter somehow or hint at them, set the stage, something. I think you may have kicked too much of the story into the next chapter in an effort to make chapters. I suspect if you take the first 3-4 paragraphs from the next chapter and wave them into the end of this one, it might make for a more impactful stopping point.

[RT]

The funny thing is - this is a piece where I didn't know where it was going. So, yes - it doesn't have its own full direction. Interesting that you picked up on that. On a second draft, I may rearrange the chapter breaks and might start the story in a different way.

Thank you for the feedback! I will definitely put a bit of thought into what you said and see what I can do with it. :)

[R.P. Miller]

Hey! Found some time to give it a read finally.

- I enjoyed the story! As a reader I'm drawn in and curious to where this story will go, what the relationship is between Van and your protagonist. I hear what Raynedog is saying about leaving with a cliffhanger or a reveal, but I think a simpler fix would be one more line that says, "Just another day in the life of a soul eater." Or something along those lines.

- I enjoyed the hint of playfulness mixed in with the conversation. It was enough to make me grin but not over do it.

- It was a bit wordy. Many of the sentences could be said clearer and more succinct. I will send you a private message with all the specific changes I would make.

- Cleaning up the commas, starting sentences with "And" or "But", and the adverbs would go a long way in making this a more SOLID piece.

Overall, I greatly enjoyed it and will definitely read the next chapter as soon as I get a moment! Ok, sending you the private message now with typos, grammar, etc

[RT]

Thank you for your review. It is good to get feedback. I really appreciate you giving constructive critiques!

[Cornelius]

Read chapter 1. Nice horror type comedy. I like some of your descriptions. "Her dark eyes narrowed as she assessed me." "She sprang at me, long hair moving like a curtain of darkness..."

I will read chapter 2 later

[RT]

Thank you! Feel free to let me know if there is anything that pops out as awkward or doesn't read right :)