Trapped

It’s hard to wake up from a nightmare, if you aren’t even asleep...

Swimming in the river of sorrow,
There is no need for me to follow,
The path of darkness the road so narrow,
Everything moving so fast like the whip of an arrow.

Hearing the shouts hearing the screams,
This house just isn’t for me,
All the fighting I have seen,
Terrified and angry I have been!

All my demons clawing at me,
Whereas my soul is ready to flee,
With my body breaking me,
For my fear is the key...

My soul all tangled and broken,
The devil I have awoken,
All the words have been spoken,
For my tears are the token!

I shall never be free...
For I have always been trapped,
In a body where my screams are unheard.

Reviews

[R.E. Ray]

As the previous readers commented, your poem speaks to many who've also been "trapped." Some spectacular imagery in this piece. "All my demons clawing at me" is not only vivid but conveys the pain of suffering.

From my perspective (not a scholarly poet), some of the rhyming seemed forced and broken. For example, "With my body broken to three" leaves me wondering. What "three?" Did you use this number just because it rhymes. Again, it's just my opinion.

You're an exceptional writer. I'd encourage you, as others have done with me, to just write with your heart, and don't force the rhymes. Sometimes the most powerful and beautiful poems don't rhyme.

I look forward to reading your other work. Thanks for sharing your work.

[Joey Nizz]

You have really captured great imaginary in your words, its almost like the reader can actually see what goes on within your words.

Well done, you have really mastered this piece :)

[midnight reaper]

Though there could be some improvements on grammar and word choice at some points in the poem. Like that its an amazing and clear poem. Keep up the great work!

[Jes' Pi]

Hello.

"For my fear is the key... "

I think this is the best beginner poesy I ever read. It is fresh, weighty and filled with metaphors. As a lover of the macabre, I've got the sentiment that this might be your writing style although I cannot be doubtless.

"My soul all tangled and broken,"

The poem is growling its meaning beyond the asperous and muddy words, sewing a lace way to the reader's brain, through his/her eyes.

"In a body where my screams are unheard."

Those verses reflect a tortured spirit that is trapped in the hands of creation and destruction, changing the chess pieces.

"Swimming through the river of sorrow, "

The only grammar mistake I identified is the "through" in "Swimming through the river of sorrow, ". It should be renewed by the preposition "in". (Pay attention to the usage of prepositions because the wrong preposition can change the entire poem).

Concluding, it was a delicious and aromatic text, which means that you should keep walking this way.

Good luck!

[SkinlessFrank]

You say it well, this darkness. It's good to write about it, creates a few cracks here and there.

[Mamta]

Hello,
This is such a deep and expressive poem, one of the best i have heard!!! Well done and please keep on writing i want to read some more of your amazing work, because this first one has blown me away and from this one piece of writing i can see that you have a talent!!!

[Sethnicity]

Well done. Please keep writing. These words are the payment for the tokens of tears paid into survival.

[emipoemi]

You started out very well with this - strong lines and imagery with a great musicality, which only went a bit wonky in the last line (it could read better without a couple of superfluous syllables). But as the poem went on, it kind of started to drag and lose momentum and energy which is not the best thing to do in poetry. It didn't weigh too much on the overall poem, but it did enough to make the ending rather anticlimactic (we expect as readers for the last stanza to have at least a similar structure as the other stanzas, and when it appears as a full on break from the form, it sounds a bit off, despite saying something very powerful).

So overall, this is good, it has potential. Some tweaks in the musicality would definitely be a suggestion for this - anything to keep the energy up and constant.

[Coyote Poetry]

Honest and direct words and thoughts. Very good movement of the words.
"All my demons clawing at me,
Whereas my soul is ready to flee,
With my body broken to three,
For my fear is the key... "
The above lines stood out to me. I felt the struggle and the falling into darkness. Thank you Avie Maria for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Warrior]

It is very deep. I like the way you began it with swimming through a river of sorrow... That is so smooth and fluid.
It's a great poem and I really like it.
Just a suggestion, you can take this and turn it into a short story if you will. The message behind it is very powerful

[Rachid Amrani]

It's a very creative piece of writing. The lines run very smoothly and the words convey deep thoughts. I can see you've put a lot of effort in your poem and only a talented writer can craft a piece like this. I tip my hat to you Avie Maria

Rachid