The World's Worst Waiter

A very truthful waiter

Good Evening Sir and welcome back,

I remember you with your head up your crack.

That pompous air with which you glide;

Your sour-faced wife sitting at your side.

If I vaguely recall, the last time we met,

You were rat-arsed on red wine and dripping with sweat?! 

Which table would you like? Please, take your pick.

Just not facing my way cos you make me feel sick.

Not on the main floor, the waiters can't pass

With the size of your beer belly and your Mrs' fat a*s.

How about something a little more melancholy...

Here you go sir, how about the conservatory?

The wines of the month, take a look at the list

Just don't do your usual and stagger out pissed.

Here's your wine sir... ready to order your food?

Some oysters to start, get the fridge in the mood?

And how about main? A nice juicy steak?

The blood running out matching your fat red face?

Oh, I'm sorry sir, I've just dropped your fork

I'll just wipe it clean, can't be bothered to walk.

Yes sir? The steaks too raw?

Oh it obviously didn't cook when Chef dropped it on the floor.

No worries sir, that's how it should be

If you're not gonna eat it, just give it to me. 

Next for dessert or maybe some coffee?

A frothy cappuccino or a cake of fudge 'n' toffee?

A pot of tea, or a creme brulee...

How would you like to end your day?

You can carry on eating til you've had your fill...

What's that sir? You just want the bill?

There you go sir, do you have your card?

I've added on a small service charge.

Now, now sir, don't go in a rage,

You do realise we're on minimum wage?

Have a good evening, mind you don't trip

Oh yeah.......and thanks for the tip!

Reviews

[Sasha]

ROFL. The first stanza is amazing. I laughed at the second one too. Your flow wasn't perfect, some lines were longer than others and whatever. But I have to thank you for taking a site filled with super serious, mind-numbingly "beautiful" poems about love and adding some comedy. I kiss the ground you walk on.

[ZakLeonRamsey]

LMAO. This is f**king amazing. I love it, I bloody love it. How humorously creative yet interesting at the same time, you've made my day. I like this a lot. The fact that it rhymes makes it even better. I was laughing my a*s off in my head when I was reading this. Purely fantastic, I must wonder how many bloody brainstorms you have a day. I have ideas, lots of ideas a day and I write them down and publish them, but to see somebody as funny as you who would upload such a funny poem, my poems are like what you sweep with the old mop on the floor every month or two, sweep my crap under the carpet. This is a masterpiece, write more, write more. One of my favourite poems now.

[Sean Farrell]

I see so much of my kinda stuff in this, really enjoyed it. well done RR

[Samuel Dickens]

I'm just curious but, were you once a waiter? I'm not very good at dealing with the public, so I can't throw too many stones. I think I'll cook my own lunch today. Thanks for the chuckles.

[Y.]

I loved this. I'm not a fan of poems, so this is a lot coming from me! :D
It made me laugh, do me a favour, please write a few more humorous pieces!