FORCES/voices

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Theres a voice, Theres a force

In the back of my head,

Telling me its nothing,

your better off ignoring the times she was cruel and mean.

 

Theres a voice, Theres a force

Im my mind,

Shaking my foundation,

Reminding me of the pain

 

Theres a voice, Theres a force

Breaking reality,

Telling me,

Your not hear to stay,

 

if the forces and the voices are right,

you need to stay, you need to hear me say

You make me sick,

And I can't explain it.

Something bout you,

Brings far down.

Theres a voice, Theres a force

In my head telling me

That you make me sick,

And i Shall not stay to feel the pain

 

Reviews

[Ripple of Aqua]

This was written well! The repetition kept me knowing just how strong the voice and the force was. I was looking for a little more description, either background wise, or a metaphor where you found yourself now, just as a test of creativity and/or a deeper meaning to how you saw the relationship. But all in all it was very good. Keep it up!

[Rayne~Drop.]

Okay. First off, as much as I hate to do this, I have to say something about the capitalization. -silently curses out inner grammar nazi-
The first word of EVERY line should be capitalized, even if it's a continuation of the one sentence. There's some other stary capitalization errors, but, y'know. Whatever.
Secondly, "your" is possessive. It should only be used if you're talking about someone, you, owning an item or object. The word "you're" is a conjunction, meaning "you are." "Theres" should be "there's." With an apostrophe right before the "s".
In line 12, i think you mean "here," not "hear." And there's a missing period or two as well. Punctuation is extremely important because it effects how the poem is read.

Um...Sorry about all the grammar correction things. It's just really important to me, and, well, yeah. ^^'

I like the poem though. I like the meaning it has. You shouldn't stay in a relationship if you're being hurt by it. Physically, OR mentally/emotionally.

Pretty good write.

[Sheila Kline]

I like the way you use the phrase, "There's a voice, There's a force" in repetition to make better the message of your poem! As you move from the reasons why you should not be with this person, to resolving that you shall not be, the lead line lets us have a glimpse of how you are reminded over and over of the pain you experience! Your words make a clear point!

[Jessica Marlow]

I like it. Trying to figure out right from wrong is hard but as people we have to do it on a daily bases. And your writing shows that very well or at least thats what I got from it