Bright Future

7/3/13 Issue 1. Reiko Natsuki our heroine is introduced

Reiko Natsuki is an 18 year old Japanese woman living in Nagasaki with her father and very ill mother. She has just graduated high school and works at a gas station to earn her keep around the house. She is 5'3, 124 pounds, somewhat thick body tone, has long black hair and brown eyes. Reiko is driving to her fathers job at Jinkara Sciences to pick him up after work. She arrives a bit ahead of schedule and sits in her car listening to her radio. She hears news that Jinkara Sciences has announced they have made a breakthrough in unlocking hidden potential inside the human genome. No more was said after the announcement. About 20 minutes later Reiko's father appears and greets his daughter. "Hello Reiko, how was your day?" "It was fine father." "So i assume you heard the news?" "Yes is it true?" Reiko's father is a forty five year old man with short hair and a graying beard. He deep stress marks in his forehead and has a deep but calming voice. He is 5'6 and 153 pounds. Her father holds up a bottle with a clear liquid. "Yes finally Reiko, humanity is about to finally awaken themselves to the dormant portions of their genome." "How does it work father?" "Well at the moment we have made it to work with specific people so at best its experimental." "And who would these people be?" "Myself of course and a few others at work." "Hmph." Reiko starts driving home and drops her father off at home then she heads to her weekly Aikido class. She is beginning to learn advanced weapon combat and weapon disarms. Before school ended she became a 6th Kyu and the 3rd best practitioner in the class.

After the class ends two hours later, she starts to drive home. On her way home she stops for gas at the gas station she works at. Her friends Kasumi and Rie greet her. "Hey Reiko!" "Hey Kasumi! Wheres Rie?" "Oh shes inside on the cash register." "Ah, tell her i said hi." "Will do Reiko." "So Reiko i heard about the announcement your fathers company released." "Yeah he says what they've invented will totally unlock hidden abilities in our genome." "Hmm i wonder if they can use whatever they invented to cure diseases around the world?" "Well anythings possible right?" "I guess." "Oh the gas stopped pumping." Reiko goes to pay for the gas but Kasumi stops her. "You know Kenji will kill you if i don't pay." "Well what he wont know wont kill him right?" "Thanks Kasumi you're a good friend." "No problem no get on home" "Thanks, ill call you when you get off work." "Ok see you later Reiko." "See ya." Reiko drives off and arrives home about 20 minutes later. She sees her father sitting in a chair next to her mother Sakura. She was diagnosed with cancer several years ago and she only has about 6 years left to live. Reiko walks in the room and knocks on the wall. "How is she dad?" "Considering everything shes fine." "That's good." Reiko walks closer to her mother and kisses her on the forehead. "You'll be ok mother." "I'm going to sleep now dad, let me know if anything changes." "Ok Rei." Reiko goes in her room, reads for little bit, goes to the bathroom and then goes to sleep.

Author's Note

I have this up on Mibba.com so thats why the "Issue date" is 3 days late

Reviews

[Kianna]

Dear Michael Hailey,

Hello, how are you doing today? I was looking through Fantasy Foretold trying to find a bit of Fantasy to read and stumbled across your book first. I have to say you have an intriguing title.

I'm not sure if you meant to begin the story with giving a description of the main character on purpose or not. If so, once it says "Reiko is driving..." you might want to separate the dialogue. For example, when the speaker changes, you start a new paragraph. Always. Spell out your numbers. Always.

One problem I had was the lack of emotion from any of the characters. When the father sees that Reiko is early, is he surprised? Does she normally arrive early, or is she always late? While Reiko is listening to the Radio, does she flip it to a certain type of music she likes? What kind of music does she like? Maybe she's listening to an awesome hard rock song, headbanging in the car until the breaking news comes on, or maybe she's listening to a jpop song and she likes dancing in her car. Something that adds some personality to your heroine. Maybe in the car, Reiko rolls her shoulders, cracks her knuckles because she's had a hard day at work. Maybe she smokes and pulls out a cigarette. How did Reiko react to seeing the bottle. Curious? Indifferent?

While her father and she are talking, describe her father. What does he look like? Does he have gray hair? A grey beard? Does he wear circular, funny glasses like the mad professor from Sailor Moon? Does he cackle to himself maybe after introducing a potion he is experimenting with? Is it ominous?

Does she know anybody from her class? Does she have a crush on anyone? Admire anyone? Is she good in combat? Why don't you show the reader how good she is in combat and have her spar with someone, a friend perhaps? Storytelling is all about showing the action rather than telling the action.

What do her friends look like? Any particular features? What does Sakura look like? Is she bald from the cancer? Does she have any features that hint at her sickness? Are her father's eyes soft with romance and sympathy? Are Reiko's eyes soft with sympathy or does it anger her that fate is so cruel to her mother? Reiko likes to read. What is it she likes to read?

Reiko seems almost carefree to be honest. That's the only personality trait I am getting from her. Why not describe some of the setting, like where she lives.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless