Online Dating

(Advice to a new dating site user)

The above is an audio of the below text, read by me. The song is Keep Your Silver Shined by Devon Sproule.

Aha, so you’ve arrived. You’ve put up that picture of yourself I see, the one of you grinning away on a night out, intentionally chosen because it makes you look as though you have more friends and more fun than you really do (don’t worry, we all do it). Very nice. You’ve also written a little something that you think sums you up quite nicely; not too weird, not too ‘out there’, just nice, clean, middle-of-the-road you. ‘Safe’ I’d call it, but hey, it’s your profile. Ok then. Well, when you’re ready, let me give you the tour!

First thing you should know is - and this will probably happen pretty soon (if it hasn’t started already) - you will be inundated with speculative emails. Some will be more creative than others; some will make you wonder how the human race was ever able to evolve this far in the first place. The majority fall into the latter category but do not concern yourself with those, they need not be replied to and you’d just be encouraging them if you did. Of course, feel free if you have the verbal equivalent of a baseball bat up your sleeve but don’t be too harsh, they’re just people trying to get by in the world, same as you.

Oh, and a word to the wise: If at some point you get a little unnerved by the idea that you’re basically wandering around the internet wearing a giant A-sign that reduces your personality to a series of tick-boxes, lists and limited, awkward self-description, don’t worry about it. Nobody reads the profile anyway; it’s only the pictures that matter. (If you’re having any doubt with the whole thing, however, just turn to the ‘Success Stories’ page, open a bottle of wine and settle in. Just before you collapse in a state of drunken catatonia you will never be more sure of anything in your life: you should be here, you NEED to be here. If you’re not, how will The One ever find you??)

Anyway, where were we? Ah yes. I’m telling you this now so you’re not surprised by it later; one morning (probably the one after that wine-induced crying episode you had) you’ll wake up, check your inbox and see another raft of dodgy emails from people who apparently don’t know what it’s like to be human. This, you can be sure, will drive you to a state of near hysteria. If nothing else you’ll verge on deciding to give up the idea as a dead-un and seriously consider retreating to a monastery in the Tibetan mountains in order to regain your faith in humanity from a safe distance.

With that firmly in mind you’ll pack your bags and, by way of a goodbye, change your profile into something resembling a cyber-suicide-note. It will give voice to your frustrations with a virtual world that just doesn’t seem to understand you. You will write it with relish. It will be biting, acerbic and sardonic, simply because you don’t give a damn anymore what people think of you. But just as you are about to click the ‘delete account’ button your finger will be stayed, your fortunes possibly changed.

What’s this, an email, from somebody who actually seems nice? The taxi can wait. For the moment questions strike you: Why them; why now? Then with a jolt of realisation you’ll figure it all out. It’s because for the first time on this damned thing you wrote something genuine and somebody else felt an actual human connection to it. That’s what was missing all along; a feeling that could be shared. It seems so bloody simple now!

Each picture you or anybody else put up is posing; each paragraph you or anybody else wrote is a front. After all, who on here is genuine? They’re just shadows on a wall for gods sake. But this somebody gives you hope that there might be something real to be gained and given, imbued and derived from this single-dimensional world. You will say to yourself ‘hurrah! At last, somebody who gets me!’

For sure, if you’re an aspiring writer or artist of any kind then it’s perfect. There’s no more fertile ground to stand upon and pay witness to the human condition than an online dating website. But in any case, I’ve kept you too long. Go on along your merry way and find someone. If you do, who knows, you might just live happily ever after. Anything is possible on these things…

Reviews

[Bare trees]

I think this is interesting and you write very well but the audio for me could use some work. You have a good voice but you need to slow down and either change the song or get rid of it. The voice behind you was stepping all over you and getting in the way.

[Christina]

Wonderful writing and an enjoyable reading from you, your voice is easy on the ears :)