The Reason iPods Suck

A CD player is replaced. It does not take it well.

     What does he see in that thing? It’s so scrawny and pale. It’s hideous. All the buttons look the same. Plus the whole process of getting music to actually play on it seems so complicated. All you have to do with me is pop in a CD, press play, and you’re good to go. And I don’t cost an arm and a leg. What. Is. The point.

  Look at him. He looks ridiculous with that thing in his pocket. Haha, look at me! I’m an iPod! I’m an Apple product, so I MUST be good! What a joke. Apple isn’t that great, and neither are iPods. And yes, computer, I will keep telling myself that. Aren’t you a Windows? Yeah, I thought so. Got issues much?

  God. I can hear it blaring through his headphones. That boy is going to have hearing damage when he’s older. I used to be the one giving it to him. Can an iPod crank it up to eleven anyways? Probably not. It’s not cool enough. Well, two can play at that game. I feel heavy, so that must mean there’s a CD in me. No idea which one.

  SHOT THROUGH THE HEART

AND YOU’RE TO BLAME!

  Ahaha, yes! Cranked up to eleven, baby.

  DARLIN’, YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME!

  Ah, right. The “In Love With The 80’s” mix. At least he left me turned up to eleven.

  Does he even notice that I’m passive-aggressively blaring out my soul?

  And he does not. What’s he playing, anyways? What is so entrancing on that stupid little iPod that he doesn’t even notice me? Pause. Sounds like… it sounds like pop. He never listens to pop, unless it’s that Romanian song that was going around the Internet a few years… oh no. It’s not Numa Numa.

  Please tell me it’s not Numa Numa.

  Shut UP, you stupid Windows! I can clearly see that he’s mouthing, “Mi-ya-hee!” And before you say it, I’m aware that being a CD player means I don’t have eyes and therefore my previous statement was a lie! Just SHUT UP!

  That traitor. Play. Sing it, Bon Jovi.

  AN ANGEL’S SMILE IS WHAT YOU SELL

YOU PROMISE ME HEAVEN THEN PUT ME THROUGH HELL…

  That’s our song. He knows that perfectly well. That was the first song on his first mix CD, which makes it ours. He said it himself. The… hmmm-hmmm-hmmm. And you know, maybe I’m a little more outdated than an iPod, but I will probably survive more things than that little pipsqueak. Again: he looks ridiculous. At least when he listened to me, he looked cool. He would bring me to his school and listen to me at lunch and during down time. The teachers would get after him for playing me too loudly and he would turn down the volume to something sissy, like four or five, but the second we were out of the school building, it was back on eleven. We were the best team.

  You remember that, you back-stabbing Benedict?!

  And then there were iPods.

  SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU’RE TO BLAME…

  His best friend shows up at school with one of those things. An abomination, I say. If you were listening to music, people were meant to know it. Why else would boom boxes be in existence?

  Naturally, I expected a little loyalty. I had given him as much. But no.

  “Dude, you got an iPod?! Man, I hate you.”

  “Got my whole music library on here.”

  “I really hate you. I’m still stuck with this.”

  Still. Stuck. With me. I had never been so insulted. Shut up, you piece-of-crap-computer, and let me monologue at you. We’re not all outdated the second we’re made.

  A SCHOOL BOY’S DREAM, YOU ACT SO SHY

YOUR VERY FIRST KISS WAS YOUR FIRST KISS GOODBYE…

  That iPod had absolutely no personality anyways. I tried to strike up a conversation with it when we were on the lunch table: “Hi, I’m a Memorex. What’re you?”

  “iPod, iPod, iPod!”

  It was like the unholy union of Pokémon, music, and a remote control. It inspired feelings in me that I had never felt before- unadulterated loathing and a desire to burn it, to see its plastic shell melt slowly from its metal core (or whatever’s in the center of an iPod- perhaps evil incarnate), and watch it hang limply from the cords and swing back… and forth… and back… Let me feel my feelings, computer!

  NO ONE CAN SAVE ME

THE DAMAGE IS DONE…

  But of course, he didn’t see how philistine it actually was. And that was the day he started working towards getting one, the no good, lousy…. I guess you know the rest of the story.

  Look at his foot bounce. I used to make him do that. I can still make him do that; he just has to listen to me first. The iPod is just a phase. I know I’m pathetic, shut up.

  What? The Walkman? Don’t be ridiculous, silly Windows computer, everybody knew those things had to go. They couldn’t do anything compared to what CD players can do. They were just there as a step up from… whatever they replaced. They were a rough draft for me. Just like you’re a rough draft for Mac.

  YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME

I PLAY MY PART AND YOU PLAY YOUR GAME…

  Oh geez, computer, don’t start overheating. I was just kidding. You know I have nothing but respect for what you do. Even if you are technically outdated and Windows has a bit of a reputation. I’m pretty crappy, too, see? Look at me. I’m clunky, I make the music skip, I eat up the batteries, I can’t play every single song in his music library.

  No wonder he wants to replace me.

  I’m so outdated. This has been a long time coming, hasn’t it?

  Track 2 3 4 5 6 7 isn’t there any song that could possibly express how I feel right now?! 9 10 11 12 13…

  14…

  Pause.

  He used to play this song.

  Something tells me I’ll never be close to another like you

Helped me through the things that we all go through…

  Every time he played it, it made me feel a little more special because it was my song. It was called My First Stereo, and I was his first CD player. That’s something special, isn’t it? I lasted longer than most. Five years, actually. That’s not too bad, all things considered.

  Everyone wants, everyone needs

Everyone hurts sometimes like me

It never rejects me, always accepts me

Nothing can compete with my first stereo!

  Maybe he hasn’t used me as often as he’s used you, computer, or the X-Box (moronic though it may be) but he and I have something special. That’s what music does.

  That iPod just… cheapens the whole thing. And I realize that doesn’t make any sense because technically speaking, it’s worth at least five of me, but if we’re speaking in experience, I’m worth ten of it. It’s just too bad he doesn’t realize that.

  It’s his loss, anyways! Who needs him. He’s an ungrateful jerk and I’m lucky to be rid of him. Now I can find a new owner, someone who’ll appreciate me and maybe not drop me so much. Someone who won’t be ashamed to own me. That’ll show him.

  What track did I land on? Play.

 

  Long ago in another galaxy, there lived a gloomy robot…

  Oh. Marvin I Love You. I’ve heard you play this one to yourself, computer. More reasons you have issues, am I right?

  …He was getting old and a bit rusty and nobody liked him…

  Just figures I’d land on a song about an unloved piece of outdated technology. I’d be surprised, but I’m not… I always did have an inspired way with the shuffle option. Shut up, computer, some of us are actually good at things.

  …he thought it would be a good idea to tidy up his old programs in his dusty old databank…

  Here’s the part where he finds the tape, computer. It’s the only thing keeping you from crashing completely, isn’t it?

  “Marvin, I love you. Marvin, I love you.”

  Pause. He keeps stomping around. What’s he listening to now? It sounds like- oh. He’s mouthing it. We… will… we will… rock you. I didn’t think an iPod could handle a song of that caliber. Hmmph. Play.

  Well. He was sure he hadn’t heard that before, but he wasn’t even sure he’d heard it that time…

  Well, computer. It looks like it’s just you and me.

  Stop pointing out technicalities and let me have my clichéd lines! They’re all I have left besides you! Oh God. You’re my only friend now, aren’t you?

  Anyway, he tried a few switches at random and suddenly- “Marvin, I love you. Marvin, I love you! Remember, I’m programmed for you…”

  How depressing.

Author's Note

Did the one-sided conversation with the computer work for you?