In Tongues of Fate: Desperation of the Forgotten Sun

Forsake me not!

Oh blessed Father!

Do ears still tune for broken word?

 

This world no longer can see clearly,

Shadows gaze upon the sullied heart,

Their vile hands twist mending souls.

As Angels stand behind me, watching…

While forth from eyes that pierce like steel,

A river bloodied, raging, crashes!

 

Serpent slips from tongue like poison,

Your' families turn and rape each other.

Demons dancing, alight in slumber;

A hypnotizing siren’s number,

Enslaving that which so arrogantly gaze…

Is there no salvation for a burning world of broken wills,

If savior sent is speared by fearful children weeping?

Reviews

What I enjoyed:

1) It shocks the reader to read
2) "Do ears still tune for broken word?" Favorite line
3)"... alight in slumber;" Good sound-sense

What could change:

1) "This world no longer can see clearly," This could flow better as "This world can no longer see clearly,"
2) "While forth from eyes that pierce like steel," I think the word "steel" could be improved upon to give more depth
3) "A hypnotizing Siren’s number," Good sound-sense here, but should "Siren" be capitalized?

[nathan]

wow is all I could really say

[Sirajudin Matin]

@Starfish
What could change:

1) "This world no longer can see clearly," This could flow better as "This world can no longer see clearly,"

I had been contemplating this for a while when writing this piece and I may just have to create a new line entirely, I feel like it breaks the flow.

2) "While forth from eyes that pierce like steel," I think the word "steel" could be improved upon to give more depth

I'm not sure how to expand on this at the moment, but I will keep it in mind.

3) "A hypnotizing Siren’s number," Good sound-sense here, but should "Siren" be capitalized?

I have a dirty habit of capitalizing words that need not be sometimes.

Thank you for the review. It means a lot, I can't improve without them.

[SinnerInspired]

F*****g Awesome!!!