5 Years and an Industrial Flashlight

Your not-average-at-all love story

 

Here we go again is what a lot of my friends would think if I told them what was going on in my life right now. I constantly feel like a disapointment because I'm so afraid of commitment and can't stay with a guy for more than a couple weeks, but Brian's different. They wouldn't see it that way though.

The Kern River is my escape, I swear. It's where I had my first taste of independence and true, heart-wrenching, starry-eyed love.

That's really the only reason I went there this weekend. It's a place of memories. And I was afraid that it would be the last time I would be able to see Brian. He was the only reason I kept going to the trailblazer events and cotillion too.

The trailblazer events were so much fun once I met him. It was just after dark and there was a ton of light from our little camp ring. I was attempting to shoot the pellet gun my dad had recently gotten me and he walked up and taught me how to shoot. We were only about 10, maybe 11. I instantly had a crush on him but decided to push it to the side, especially after we started hanging out with Evan, our form of entertainment. The two of us had a hard time making friends with others since we both really lived to the beat of our own drums, Evan was like our connection to the rest of the camp now that I think about it.

The three of us were pretty tight, Brian was increadibly mature when he wasn't handling a gun and Evan, as much of a troublemaker he could be, was somewhat mature. He always tried to turn everything into a competition though; who had dated the most girls, who was a better shot, that kind of crap. Eventually Brian and I went off on our own, ditching Evan once. After that they ditched me a couple of times.

One time I didn't bother doing anything about it, but the other I chased them down and cornered them in the towing trailer for the rented atvs. With me standing in the way of their only way out they decided all they could do was run. Evan got out but Brian tripped on the cord that connected the back hatch to the trailer and fell really hard. I was so afraid he would be mad at me, he always had a bit of a temper. Surprisingly he was pretty calm and never really complained about it.

Usually it was Brian and I ditching Evan though, sneaking around with his airsoft gun. It was fun and the thought that he might just want to get me alone never really struck me as what was going on, especially since we always stayed up late talking and going on walks, I guess it was a strange friendship but it was normal for us.

When we were 13 the camp site for atving was different and Evan wasn't there. Brian and I never talked that much during the day, our dads were always joking about him liking me and he took it pretty serious, like a warning. At night we walked quite a ways away from the camp site and just sat down, staring at the stars and talking. His dad always had to search for us with his huge industrial flashlight that seemed stronger than the sun at night. That thing always made Brian jump.

Not seeing him for 2 years a lot of people would think I'd get over the crush, for a while I thought that too. I thought it was just because he and I got along so well but only saw each other every once in a while that my crush hadn't faded a bit and if it was a friendship then it would wear off. Especially since I knew I'd definatly see him again. My dad was always talking about going camping with them.

It never faded, and even as I dated other people I always felt that something wasn't right, almost like I was cheating myself, lying to get past something I had tried to ignore for so long.

When Brian and I sat on the river bank in the middle of the night the first night we were there, thinking back we were both trying to give the other person signals. Just before that we were walking around the town, everything looped back around of course and there was one guy driving a truck over the speed limit. Every time he came down the road Brian would make sure he was the one closer to the car. I don't know if he knew that he was doing it, but he was. He always acted so badass when he really wasn't, but I guess that's the side-effect of being 'popular' and a 'jock'. I almost had a panic attack when we were walking around because there were only a few street lights and there were a lot of dark patches. When I finally gathered enough courage to tell him he gave me the light he was holding and taught me how to work it, telling me to hold onto it. While we were walking around we talked a bit, just about whatever came to mind. Some of it was about polution and constilations and some of it was about past relationships we had and how far each of us had gotten. He brought up that at the atv trip that I didn't go to a year or 2 back Evan said he thought we really had something going, Brian kept talking about it until I gave him a strait comment that I would never get together with him.

When we sat down at the bank Brian's temper started showing itself every once in a while but he was still pretty open and listened. Once he said that he didn't necessarilly want to get married but just live together and all that jazz I couldn't help but think that was the only night I had to tell him, because knowing him and I we'd need some time to talk about it. He started mentioning that there were roughly 4 people he'd always be willing to get with and the first thought that raced through my head was that he was the only one I really felt that way toward. The second was why would he tell me this if one wasn't me?

After a while I took a chance and told him, metaphorically of course. He said he'd probably think about it for a while, then he asked me what I would be looking for in the relationship. I told him I wasn't sure. Once I got cold and told him he offered cuddling for warmth or going back to the trailer to get a towel or something, it was hard to tell if he was joking but I just went back to get my sweatshirt. Once we started getting tired I got up to go change and then after a couple more minutes of standing outside the trailer and just kinda glancing at one another we decided to walk around a little bit more. As we walked back into the camp ground he looked at me and said I looked really pretty in the moonlight as I stood there in my plaid pj pants and black baggy sweatshirt. All I could say was "Oh really?" and he said "Yeah, really." In this really calm and sweet way. I whispered a thanks while blushing and we walked back.

The next day we were sitting around after rafting and I brought up my crush again. He asked me if I was serious and I said yeah, then he asked me a few questions, most of which I wasn't sure how to answer. We went on a short walk and he put his arm around me and I wrapped mine around his waist. The rest of the afternoon was slightly awkward and he and his dad went fishing. A couple hours after he got back we went off walking again, discussing the issue a bit more seriously. We went to this swing set I had seen earlier and I told him I was thinking a playful relationship leading into a more serious one was the way I would want to go and he agreed.

While walking back toward the camp site he asked if I was into holding hands in public and such and I said I just kinda go with the flow, turns out he does the same. As we were walking toward the street I held his hand, he seemed very comfortable with it.

We walked across the bridge and up a hill a little ways, looking down at the river and our camp site. While we were walking up there was a guy with a flashlight similar to his dad's and it made him nervous since we were sleeping next to eachother in the trailer and didn't want our parents to know what was going on yet. I guess he didn't want to risk losing that, I know I enjoyed waking up with him being the first thing I saw. Then there was the fact that our dads were always joking about it but at the same time kind of warning him.

Once we got back we found a bench to sit on in the camp ground but away from our site. He put his arm around me and I eventually wrapped mine around him, leaning my head on his shoulder. At one point I almost fell asleep but it was just so comfortable, physically and emotionally, sitting with him there. He said "You know, about 5 years ago I never thought I would end up sitting here with my arm around you." I smiled and agreed.

Waking up the next morning and seeing him, I couldn't help but smile. We got into a slight competition over who could get Chip to stay on the other person for most of the time, like earlier when we got back from rafting and were having little competitions over who got which rungs on the ladder to prop our feet up on.

We're hoping that once he gets his lisence we'll be able to see eachother more often, I just hope I can make it until I see him next without ripping my heart out and that things don't get awkward.

Author's Note

Im open to questions and love comments. To think that he and I got together a week ago tonight and I still can't get him out of my mind is mind blowing.