Little Soldier

Inspired by the last leaf on a tree outside my AP Physics B classroom, October 2013.

The lonely little soldier on top of the hill
knows he must fall; it's part of the drill.
He appears so lost, and doesn't know what to do...
so he looks with searching eyes up to the great blue.
He thinks and he ponders about what may come,
and while the heavens are uncaring, the wind starts to hum.
A spirited dirge on fluttery wings
is the only clue of what the future brings.
Its whispers tell of ages past,
and how the time has flown so fast.
The little soldier closes his eyes,
letting his heart say its last goodbyes.
Wrinkles tell of experiences taking their toll,
and wearily speak of the years they stole.
Fragile, leathery skin with holes and cracks
show how the little soldier's taken too many hacks.
His comrades have fallen one by one,
each of their landings like fire from a gun.
A crack is heard and he's over the edge, falling.
As he tumbles, his soul answers a calling,
rising above and looking upon the shell that once held him.
The limbo between life and death fades and becomes dim,
his body forever tied and grounded,
his spirit showing it could never be pounded.

Reviews

[W.k.kortas]

Conceptually, I think the piece is wonderful--it's not a new idea per se, but it's a very creative take on the notion of the little soldier boy/toy soldier. That being said, I do not think that rhyme is your friend here. When you are using rhyme, one of things you should ask yourself is "Why am I writing in rhyme"; obviously, there are forms that demand it, but if you are not focused on wrting a sonnet or villanelle or rondeau or their ilk, rhyme should be serving your content, and here it's not doing that, but rather forcing you into word choices which are a bit ill-fitting. Rhyme could work here, especially if you had a sub-section that was something like a nursery rhyme. I would consider re-writing this and either cut back or eliminate the rhyme scheme all together.

[S]

Thank you for recognizing the innovation of this idea, what with the poem sounding like it is talking about a soldier when in fact the inspiration and subject of it is really a leaf. The poem started as a few lines with a rhyme scheme in my mind, and so it flowed that way for the rest of the piece. Yes, the ending may be a bit forced, but not overly so, in my opinion. Your nursery rhyme comment could apply to the entire poem, not just a subsection. The poem can be seen as flowing like a nursery rhyme because of the little soldier having to grow up and losing the carefree rhymes of his youth. As of now, I will not change the poem; that opinion may or may not change in the future. Apologies for not responding sooner, thank you again, and have a nice day.

[Ovi-Odiete]

Mmmmm.
This is gloomy and sad.. .
Adventure begins, but adventure must end some day...
.

[S]

This is very true.

[Shekinah2015]

That is unique. I don't recall ever reading a poem anything like this one. You got a great idea and excellent diction.

[S]

Thank you very much and I'm glad you think so! Out of curiosity, what about this poem makes it so unlike any other poem that you have read? Thank you again!!