Looking Back

This isn't a fictional story, but a reflection of my past life. I decided not to use a poem because it's not...clear enough.

I think I better write this before I end up almost hurting another friendship of mine. You can consider me a coward for showing this to strangers, and not to my friends, but I'm doing this because I'm afraid of hurting the bonds I care for so much just by doing this, and I need to get this out there in the world before I confront someone else with these problems. But you are right on one thing; I am a coward.

My birthday is coming up, and it's made me reflect on some things. I looked back at what I've done, and...I don't like what I've done so far. But let me explain; I've graduated from high school with high honors. I'm a sophomore attending a university. I still have a loving family. I have friends that I care for and that care for me. So, the question is: How can a guy like me, surrounded by so many chances of success, and loved by so many people, is saddened by the progress of his life so far? 

To many and to you, the answer is complex. To me, it's simple. It's love.

Now you may ask: "You have all of these people love and care for you? What more do you want?" Well, you see, I've been able to make friends because it's so easy to do so. You can have as many friends as you want without suffering from the consequences. They don't violate this principle where you can't have two people be in the same place. With romantic partners, however, the principle is strict; you can only have one romantic partner. 

With that rule being simple in theory, you'd think I'd choose one right now...but I can't. Because I don't know what I'm looking for. Because I don't know what I'm feeling. Because I'm missing something everybody else has when it comes to this...and that's focus. 

When I meet a woman, a beautiful, attractive woman that looks like she can have fun and can appreciate what I am, I think of the future I want for her and me. The problem is, I do that with everyone. I think of every other girl I could have that I see, and I think of a bright future with her. But I can't do that for everyone. You can say I can, but I will not. True love is about focus; focusing on that one individual, making her happy in any way possible, or at least, console her out of depression. There is no one else in the world; just you, your lover, and the future you want for the both of you. But when I see her and how gorgeous she is, I can't tell if I have romantic emotions for her or carnal emotions for her. I don't know what love is, and I cannot tell the difference between love and lust. I don't know what she wants, and I don't know what I'm looking for. I can't find these subtle messages one gives to another when I have a conversation with her. I can't tell if it's friendly or if it's romantic. I cannot tell the difference. 

And I can't tell who I want. I've only been in love once...and it wasn't real. It was just a trick someone pulled on me...and I knew it was a trick. I gave into it. Because I want what others have or had; a relationship. Just something that is romantic, where I won't regret a time I will ever have with her, even if she leaves me and breaks my heart. I just want someone to hold my hand with, someone to dream of when I see her, someone to embrace and kiss, someone like that. I know I sound selfish when I say this, like I'm disregarding the bonds of my family and friends as simply nothing, but I'm not. I love my friends. I love my family. I love talking to them. I love spending as much time as I can with them. I treasure every second with them. It's just that I want...romantic love. The problem is, I don't know who it's from, and I don't really care. I want this girl, I want that girl, I want the other girl. ...It's like I'm standing in front of a produce stand, and I'm stuck there, deciding what is good for me, but I can't have all of them because I can only have ONE partner in my life. I make love sound so...wrong. I don't want that kind of love where I have as many romantic partners as I want. I just want ONE person...and I can't decide. I can't determine who I want. I told my friend that I wanted her, and I told her how much I want to be loved by...anyone. ...If it wasn't for her forgiveness, I would've lost her forever. She already has a boyfriend, so I have no idea why I would do that. It's wrong to come between two people in a relationship. Besides, he's already better than me. He loves her and only her. She loves him for that. He has what I do not; focus. 

It's confusing, isn't it? How am I able to be more successful with my life if I can't focus on one person? It's because I'm petty. Because I can't stay still. Because I'm weak in that aspect. But I want to change it. I want to have one person I can focus on for the rest of my life. I'm going to try and focus on one woman and one woman alone...and see where the future takes me. Right now, my future isn't looking any brighter. I feel like I'm going to be destined to just work, with no passion, no emotion, nothing. I'm just going to work, but...I'm going to look for someone to focus on, and I'm going to hope that she will be my soulmate forever, and I shall be hers forever. Because that's what true love is all about; focus.

Author's Note

I'm not exactly looking for criticisms here, because I wanted to write how I constantly feel. I won't hold you back, though. If you want to, you can. I won't hold it against you.