I Play Piano

I don't know how to play piano.
I am not quite sure where that lie started, but it's relieving to get it off my chest.
One of my biggest fears is that someone will whip out a baby grand and ask me to throw out some sweet tunes or something.
I bet you're wondering why I started this off like that. Something so small, so trivial. I guess, it gets me thinking. Why do people lie about things like that? Why do I lie about things like that? As I said before, I had no idea where it began, so I think I was doing it to fit in at the time. I think that's why we all do it; we want to be heard. For that half a second, they are listening to you.
But I've never fit in. It's so obvious, it's frustrating to me that the 'genius' I am, took 17, (nearly 18), years to figure that out. Which is why I suppose I'm sitting on a computer on a Friday night, typing away on a nonfamous website rather than Tumblr, trying to sort out my thoughts.

I've never actually sat down and wrote like this. Well, that's a lie. I just never wrote the truth. Fiction has always stolen me away from this place. And by this place, I mean this world. The reality that my life is so tiny and meaningless and there is quite a large chance nobody shares the same thought process as me.
The chance I'm too far gone for help.

It's not like I don't try. I do. I realize when I'm having a bipolar episode, (most of the time), and try to figure out the way it happened to stop it. I've heard all the lines before, and I assume if you've found this and are still reading, you have too.
'It's in your head.'
'You're overthinking.'
"Maybe it's your fault."
...Your fault..

Anyway, you can call me Logan. I've always liked that name. Maybe I should explain what brought me here.
I like a guy.
Ah, how every great story starts, right?
A boy meets a boy, and they fall into a love so pure, it seems endless.

Notice how I said great story.

We, the ones who cannot avoid reality, know that's not how it goes. Well, we learn the hard way and never forget, is a better way to put it.
How was I suppose to know that him kissing my fingertips, laughing at my jokes, and holding my hand meant nothing to him? It meant something to me.

Long story short, I was led on. Pretty hard.
Short version made a little longer, I told, everyone.

************

"It's Tony." Natalie had said, her puckered lips closing around her straw. Even sipping a nasty drink like Mountain Dew out on a fat red straw, she looked pretty.
"Why do you say that?" I asked in return, picking at my pumpkin roll. I had brought it from home, but I hadn't really felt like eating.
I hadn't for days.
"You always wanna sit by him, you get all happy when someone mentions him..see?! You're smiling!"
And I had been. There was this warm flush dancing about my cheeks, and a tickling in my stomach I had grown familiar with since I met the infamous Tony.
"Oh, Logan, you're so plain."
My smiled turned to a pout now, and I fell silent, focusing on tearing apart my treat. Ripping up food always made it seem like you ate some. The things you learn from having an eating disorder stick with you, even when you're suppose to be recovered.
"Plain?" Jacob asked. I held the urge to snap. I hated that word, even if I was it. He slid in the seat beside mine, even though there was an open seat next to Natalie, and I felt flattered for no reason for a moment.
"Logan has a crush." Natalie said flatly, flicking her manicured nail across her cell's screen. I could of slapped her. I don't care that much for her anyway.
"What about the rule?"
"What rule?"
"The one about dating in labs." Jacob leaned forward.
Now, since nobody from my school is probably on this site, I don't feel upset to tell you, I go to a technical school. This is a building, that has 6 high schools attending, where not only do you get your academics, but you can specialize in a working type job.
There's hair design, cosmetology, early childhood development.
Me? I am in Computer Hardware and Networking.
Or am I?
Point is, you don't date in labs. I learned that the hard way last year, but that's a story for another time.
"F**k the rule." Natalie said. I sucked a breath in. As much as cussing didn't bug me, the way she made eyes at Jacob- or any boy who walked our way- made my stomach churn.
"Boy or girl?" Jacob had asked. I pursed my lower lip and kept my eyes on his chin now. I hate when people ask that.
"Doesn't matter." I snapped and pushed my chair out, hopping down and turning.
Tony was upstairs, and I could be sitting with him, rather than babbling with these two.
I listened to them flirt all the way up the steps.

Entering the classroom, the soft hum of all the Apple computers, my lab teacher in his chair. It felt more like home than any home I had ever known.
And to see Tony, sitting in his usual chair, watching some silly video game thing on Youtube was quite welcoming as well.
I floated across the room, trying to make it seem as though I didn't have a spot right by Tony where I wanted to be. The rule burned in my head. I'm a star student. I've been down this path. I know better..I know..
I plopped down in the wheelie chair beside his.
"Whatcha watching?"
A moment passed before he looked at me sideways, with a crooked grin, the one I so shamefully adored, and still do.
"Watching Youtube."
I snorted. "Duh, I meant, why?"
He rolled his eyes, grabbing my seat and yanking my chair closer to his side. I could smell him, the rough scent, and I could hear him laugh at me. Under his breath, so deliciously taunting.
"Shut up, dumbass."
My stomach fluttered and I shook my head. "You shut up."
He grabbed my hand, squeezing it. I squeezed back, careful to be sure nobody was looking.
"You like holding my hand, you're so weird." He groaned. "Gross."
I laughed. I thought he was joking. I thought he liked me. I loved spending the end of my day, every day, with him.
"You're gross, idiot." My other hand reached out to grab at his white gages, which I often played with. He tilted his head away, and I groaned. "You always let me play with them, please, it calms me."
He tilted his head back without a word, his eyes on the video.
Today was going..so very well.

I could hear the chatter of people lining up at the door. It was very near time to leave, and they always line up at the door. Everybody from any high school knows that.
I stood up, releasing his hand and moving around to the other side of him. Should I kiss him goodbye? I really wanna kiss him goodbye.
He stood up, and started gathering his books. I did the same, ignoring my friend Brian who skipped up beside me to talk about coming to his house this weekend to record something.
"So I almost have 5k subscribers on Youtube." Tony finally spoke. I clung to his every word.
"Oh, really, Mr. BigShot?"
He snorted, walking backwards. "You're just threatened."
I walked towards him, laughing. "I'll have you know, I'm not."
Those amazing blue eyes moved from my lips to my own green ones then back again.
Please kiss me.
The bell rang. I threw my arms around his neck, squeezing tight. He tried to wiggle free, and then hugged me once more when he did.
"Bye, Tony." I muttered when he pulled away.
And then he was gone.

It was on the ride home, strolling through my phone at a red light.
That I got the text. You know what text I'm talking about, right?
The one that makes your stomach bottom out, your heart slide up in your throat, and your mind go all stupid?

::I know you like me, but it kinda feels like you're forcing me into this.::

It read just like that. Only, a lot less literate, and a whole lot more painful.

*********************

Typing that is more embarrassing than hurtful, trust me. I'm the smart boy, the one that doesn't fall for that stuff. I feel stupid, like a airhead looking for love anywhere he can find it.
Why did Tony lie to me like that? Why did he act like he cared so much? Did I read too much into it?

Well, I'm off to bed for the night. And by bed, I mean watching reruns of reality television and overeating.
It is Friday night, after all, and that dusty piano in the corner of my room?

I won't be touching that.

Author's Note

I will be writing in flashback form like this. They will range anywhere from something that happened years ago, to something that happened today, like in this one. If you can relate, let me know. I'd appreciate it.