Journal: 5/3/09: Ode to Seniors

Ah, how horrific a time is this!  I hate to admit it, but I've failed to keep up the plans I once held, those that dictated my survival in, this, the most important of my high school years.  Indeed, I failed miserably in imporving my GPA.  But in one area I have indeed excelled in: I have made more friends than any person deserves.  Not just with those of my own grade, either, but those both younger and high, which is satisfying.  The legacy that has become my Crowd, the Crowd of theater kids, with continue long after I graduate from this putrid school, or at least I pray.

 

But now, I look to the future.  In (about) 20 days or so, I will bid farwell to the friends who are graduating, for they end classes a week before the rest.  I'll say goodbye, hug them for luck, and cry.  It won't be the last time I see them, oh no.  Most will be around all summer, my particular favorites until August 20th, moving in day for their chosen college in Iowa.  But still I am faced with the idea that I will be losing them.

 

I have already made plans to go and visit a few at their respective universities come fall, but that won't be enough.  They'll never again coe back to stay - and that makes me realize that, honestly, neither will I.  This is my last year, this upcoming year, that I will live in this world of dreams and childhood love.  After that, I will be blown to the wind like a dandelion puff, sent spinning.  Perhaps I'll land in fertile soil and grow like a true flower, or perhaps I'll land in a lake and drown.  Who can tell?  The future is so strange, so out of control. 

 

I can't deny that I'll miss these people.  One, a boy, has been my closest friend this year.  His bright smile has lit far too many dreary days for me to be comfortable with the idea that he is gone.  I wasn't close to any of last year's seniors, but this year's are my chums, my buds, my loves.  They leave, and suddenly there is nothing but emptiness where they once were.  This boy entertained me (with disastrous results) at his house.  We played strip truth or dare.  We made a policy of no-lies, and that questions always had to be answered.  On last count, I owe him 7 questions.  Where will I be without him?

 

Who else shall I miss?  A boy I wasn't close to, who taught me that being gay wasn't something t be ashamed of.  A girl who introduced me to the finer points of hiding your true self.  A boy who made me realize that, sometimes, true love isn't something you can run away from.  A girl who showed me that bad circumstances don't always have to mean the end of an era. 

 

So many friends, so many secrets.  There are lies there, hidden deceptions, quiet murmers, shadowed embraces, lust-filled kisses, angry voices.  There are bruises and alcohol and drugs and pain, things that no teen should have to experiance.  There are the ones who were role models to the rest of the school - and most particularily, to my Crowd.  I will be the next leader, the next role model, the next oldest who will leave.  What is going to happen to me?

 

I could leave school right now, take a low-end job, and reasonably support myself.  I'm at the age where the control of my parents is no longer justified.  I make my own rules, my own morals, and my own mistakes.  I look older, enough to pass for a legal adult if it's necessary.  I've become less immune to the worries of money and college.  I become more annoyed when my friends act immature.  I'm grown up, an adult, a woman, something that I doubt I'll ever be comfortable with.  The boys I once associated myself with have become men - enough so that they are no longer 'boys'.  They are 'guys', will soon be 'men'.  My vocabulary has expanded to include words I once didn't know the meaning of.  I no longer squirm away from the casual touch, I no longer hide when I'm afraid, i no longer cry when I'm unhappy. 

 

Does everyone experiance this change, this mystic alterance from childhood to adulthood?  I feel as if i just suddenly saw myself in the mirror, five years older, ten years older, twenty years older.  Next year I will go and visit my closest male friend in college - and not make a big deal out of the fact that I intend to sleep in his dorm with him.  End of next year I'll have my future set up - and by that, I may have my entire life set up.  And the end of next summer will be the last time I ever live in this house, the last time I ever call this town home.  The last time I am still subject to other's wants and needs.

 

But i suppose it's necessary to grow up.

 

Because here I am, almost an adult.  And I love it and hate it at the same time.

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[TL Boehm]

valid writing. It is necessary to grow up, but do not lose touch with your 'child' - growing up is not equivalent to growing old. Peace.