Journal: 3/1/08

I had a realization today.  Well, maybe not a realization.  It was more like life hitting me in the face, an idea that should have been obvious but never was.  My mind has always been far too preoccupied with thoughts of lust and love, those of a therapist and those of a friend, thoughts of the future and the past.  I've spent far too much time living somewhere other than the present.

 

Every story has its end, I know now.  Every book needs a final chapter, every phase in life must start and stop.  What if my ending is coming soon?  Sure, i've approached and crossed over the endings of half a million differant little phases, but what if a bigger one is coming?  I don't know how to explain myself any more.  I feel like I'm not of this world of pain and deceit....it's almost like I simply don't belong anywhere here.  There's got to be a place where I fit in, right?  But what if not fitting in is the only thing that allows me to fit in?

 

Am i making any sense?  Perhaps fitting in is my least developed talent....and thus not fitting in is my greatest.  I've always mourned the natural abilities of my friends, be they those that are athletic or intellectual, or those who just are good at seemingly random things.  Now I'm thinking that perhaps I have a talent that is as important as theirs - the ability to balance reality and the fake, the ability to control the balance of good and bad, the ability to monitor that which is unseeable....love, lust, hope, prayers, dreams, wants, thoughts, desires.  Everything that is unmeasurable, I can measure. 

 

Now I know I'm not making much sense.  Indeed, lately it seems as if I don't make any sense to myself.  But I am, in essence, balance.  Neither good nor bad.  Neither tall nor short.  Neither stupid or smart.  Neither fast or slow.  I am balance between all, a trait that somehow allows me to gain friendships with such a diversity that I am often found at multiple differant parties on one friday night - with differant people, in differant places, with differant drinks in hand.

 

Or maybe this isn't my talent.  It is just that - without one - I am feeling constantly out of the loop, as if there is nothing in the world that will draw me back into a pleasurable surrounding, as if there is nothing in the future for one such as me.  I feel like I'm not of this world, once in a while, because maybe I"m not.  Maybe I should have born sometime in the future, when they could scan my brain and immediatly tell me what my greatest talent would be.  Oh, to be born in an age where the tediousness of being pointless would be deleted!  All my friends know that the one thing i can not stand above all is to be wrothless, replacable.  I need something that make me stand apart and that allows me to be the best. 

 

I need to think about this.