Journal: 11/24/07

I'm a bizarre child, I must admit.  Time passes too fast for me to handle everything that is happening.  Shall I recount a few things that have happened since I last bothered to list my thoughts out on some random online site where no one knows me?  I have a boyfriend, now.  He's a  sweet boy, one who knows everything about me.  He's kind, but he lives states away, far enough that I do not see him, ever.  We dated once last year, but the strain of long distance was too much.  And now I'm with him again - a year older, a millenium more experianced.  I need his touch, his caress, his kiss.

 

But I probably won't feel it for a long time.  What to do?  I mention often that I hate being touched...but lies fall easily from my mouth.  I need to be touched.  Physical bonds are almost more important than emotional at times.  He can't touch me, but nor can I find a random boy or girl to hook up with without the feeling of cheating.  I want so much to simple let go of all these dreams of commitment, to find someone who will be with me without needing to actually feel affection for that person.  I'm a teen, a virgin.  I don't want sex.  I want...touches, kisses.  Someone who I can go to the movies with and someone who will go to parties with me.  I need a friend with benefits.

 

That is one thing that is simply uncommon around here.  It courts on the edges of being thought a w***e if I even consider delving into that territory.  Girls shy away from me, even the gay ones see me as only a friend.  I flirt so hard with my bi-curious friends, and my straight male friends.  But that's all it is.  A game, a play, an act.  We feel nothing but that slight physical attraction that has so often ruined friendships. 

 

My friends are annoyed with me.  They think I dwell in self-pity, which in truth, i do at least a bit.  But I also find myself jumping from emotion to emotion.  I find myself watching corny old movies, looking up sappy love songs on itunes.  I need touch.  I need love, in truth.  It's the thing I've been lacking nearly my entire life.  I don't know what love is, but I know I need it.  In the romantic form, the one that I have never even experianced in the slightest bit.

 

I'm crazy.