Fire

My first attempt at rhyming on purpose

 

Fire, fire growing large
created by an electric charge

Fire, fire blazing hot
against you I would have fought

Fire, fire in the air
show me where you intend to tear

Fire, fire glowing red
lead me to my dying bed

Fire, fire kill me fast
so my pain can be past

Fire, fire burning bright
shining through the dusky night

Fire, fire you are zealous
for your life I am jealous

Reviews

[Clockwork]

This poem reminds me a little bit of William Blake's "Burning bright. Stanza six is the specific part that caught my eye. It's rhythm is similar to Blake's and it describes the night depicted in "Burning Bright." That was a good addition. I would check the rhyme in the final stanza. While jealous and zealous do rhyme I think that this rhyme takes away from the sting of the piece. Making one of them internal so you have the switch may bring that sting back to it.

Overall this is a good piece. Thank you for sharing.

[MoonlitAngel]

First attempt on rhyming? You sure? this was really really good. extremely descriptive, and I had a lot of imagry, even if some other people don't. I would suggest putting at least commas sometimes in the stanzas, because as I was reading it, it seemed to flow too fast, and I had to slow down so I wouldnt miss any of the stanzas/words. I'm not syaing you have to, but I think it would be better if you did. I liked it though :) Very good. Keep writing!

--Blood