Random Dark Exerpt

I'm usually not this 'Death-and-Destruction' but I wanted to let readers read.

June 23

Random dark Excerpt

(((This was weird and I just kinda wrote it... I used my own name, yeah yeah...)))
  
   "Why can't I get this out of my head?!" Morgan clutched his skull and yelled.
   "Dude, you loved her--"
   "So it seemed..." Prideful interjected in a calm, cutting tone.
   Valor ignored it, "That's never going to leave your memory." Valor's attempt to console Morgan was falling flat against Prideful's harsh words. Morgan was already angry at himself, Prideful was causing Morgan to burn up that much quicker. Valor cut back in, "It's not going to haunt you, it's just one of those bittersweet memories you'll never forget..." Valor realized that it sounded better in his head and Morgan took it the wrong way.
   "Heh, he's just got to learn to let go..." Prideful knew that no matter how much he pried, Morgan wouldn't blow up at him. Morgan knew it too. Morgan got up, frustration boiling on the inside for him, he was on the edge, or so he thought, his problem was that, now, if he were anyone else, he would lunge for Prideful and start the fight. but, the worst he could do is fake punches, he didn't have it in him to hurt others.
   "Pride... why do you egg him on? You know he's pissed about this." Valor hoped he could end this conflict peacefully.
   "Because, I'm trapped here, inside our buddy 'weakness,' and my patience is at it's end. He can't even cut his own emotional ties. And he comes crying to us each time." Prideful and Valor watched as Morgan walked out to his room and down the hall.
   But they followed him, Valor now on the defensive side of the argument. "Life's not easy for anyone. It wouldn't be so easy for you if you had one either."
   "What did you say?!" Prideful didn't listen to anyone. "You think you have some great sense or ability to Reason? How is it your place to judge me next to the rest of these worms? I would thrive off of their waisted, weak, and useless corpses. I would improve this planets condition by making a new desert, on with ash for sand, the ashes of humanity, the ashes of these parasites."
   "Pride! SHUT UP!" Morgan's voice rung through the halls, shaking the silence to pieces. Everyone stopped to look at Morgan, A man, barely in his twenties with spikey black hair and glasses took Morgan by the shoulders and told him he needed to go back to his room.
   Morgan's right arm had a wrist band on that said, 'MILD SCHIZOPHRENIA.'
   A shadow fell over that arm that became a light smog. The wrist band crumpled and melted, and his arm flew up, knocking the man's arm out of place, then into his stomach.  As the man sank to the ground, the same smoke on Morgan's arm appeared around his leg, a light gray smoke that went around him instead of lifting up and dispersing.
   "Pride?!" Morgan ventured to ask, the alarm rising in his voice.
   Valor finished it for him, "What are you doing!?"
   "Getting rid of you two, taking my leave." Prideful pushed Valor aside as he went to Morgan. As people ran up to help the incapacitated Doctor and detain Morgan, Prideful's outline was made in the smoke. It turned and waved his hand, hitting one of the men, but then taking out the other three. The one that was hit made a sick cracking sound and flew into a window, he had his back on the window sill, his chest had safety-glass shards sticking out and he was watching the street, while the other three were sent soaring back on a shock wave. The receptionist dialed 911 as Prideful lifted Morgan off the ground, an invisible hand at his throat with it's imprint on it. The smoke began to siphon into Morgan, eye's, nose, mouth. Everyone watched in a silent minute as Morgan choked inches off the ground, at the mercy of some invisible demon everyone passed off as his Schizophrenia, the illusion of an injured cyclist. Crackling through the head set, breaking the silence, was an operator from the police station. the receptionist didn't answer, they were all absorbed in the scene before them. Morgan's eye's rolled into the back of his head, blood shock made them look completely red. Morgan was in shock, grasping for a hand that wasn't there, but could choke him. Everyone could seethe imprint, but no one could see the hand, it wasn't tangible either. Morgan dropped, hit his knees, then fell on his face, reeling. He was slipping away.
   "This is your escape?! Killing him!?" Valor was powerless, helpless.
   Prideful grinned and faded. Morgan's collapsed figure shifted, he layed flat on the ground and the back of his shirt began to rise. Police sirens began to sound from the street below and one hospital attendant found the courage to move, she went for equipment. As the nurse came back, the sickest ripping sound broke through the silence in the hall. Then his shirt went, the back of it ripped and a fleshy chest emerged. Prideful constructed a body for himself out of Morgan and the flesh he now had rose. The completed body stepped out of Morgan's skinned back holding his skin in his left hand. He lifted it up to eye level and the muscles of his eyebrows pulled together and the skin got covered in black-red rune characters. It dissolved and replaced itself on him. As Prideful took his first breath, Morgan could as well. He survived the breathless torture. Morgan's back was steaming, bloody, and gushing.
   Prideful stood tall, he left Valor in Morgan and was free to be his own now. He stole flesh from Morgan to do it, but Prideful planned to kill him anyways. "Finally," Prideful hissed and turned to Morgan, "All those years trapped inside of your mind, watching you try to be tough and intimidating. Every time you thought you were 'on-the-edge' and 'cloak-and-dagger.' All I felt was revulsion-" Prideful stomped onto Morgan's wounded back, a ear-splitting scream erupted from Morgan's weak form. Blood splashed all over the hall. "Trapped inside such a pathetic--" He stomped again, and the scream renewed itself but Morgan couldn't see straight, not to mention hear, it all sounded like it was under water, "weak," He stomped a third time, but Morgan simply fell limp and unconscious, "And foolish child!"
   A pair of police officers came into the hallway. One was on his radio and confirmed their arrival and relayed the situation to their headquarters. The second had his gun aimed at Prideful. "Freeze!" The second bellowed down the hall. Prideful turned to him and laughed. "Put your hands on your head, and your head on the ground!"
   Prideful stopped laughing, "What?"
   "We're authorized to fire-"
   "What makes you any better than the rest of these worms? That badge?" Prideful stepped away from Morgan and a courageous nurse ran to Morgan.
   "Sir, Halt or I will fire!"
   "That gun?" Prideful grinned, "It won't help you here."
   "Sir, this is your final warning!" Prideful began to run towards him. "Sir!" Three bullets flew down the hallway towards him. Prideful got hit by all three but dissappeared.
   "Illusions are magnificent." Prideful appeared behind the officer and jabbed his hand into the cops back. The man grunted and cringed. "Why have eyes if you let them fool you?" The man went pale, he inhaled sharply, and his eyes burnt and shriveled. A second later, the man did the same. The flames dissipated and his charred figure fell to pieces with his ash falling all over the floor.
   Prideful flexed, he was complete, but now he was adding on. Over his left eye a black scale pattern wrapped from the bridge of his nose to around and over his eye and down to his cheek bone. His eyes were a bright blood red.
   The second cop unloaded his pistol in a second and began yelling into his radio. He reloaded and looked up. Prideful grabbed the cops wrists, and the cop had the pistol in his hands, he fired all nine shots at this point-blank range. Prideful scowled in disgust and threw the cop out the same window the other corpse hung from.
   Prideful went to the window, more appropriately called a hole in the wall now. He coughed once, "This is what I get for using a weakling to form my body." He turned to find Morgan, he wanted to finish him off before he left.
   The nurse had three other hospital attendants in the ER with Morgan's unconscious person.
   Several cop cars and a Helicopter showed up while Prideful was at the window. They all began to open fire, but in a red flash, he was gone.
   "Alright, a few more skin grafts and he'll be fine." The nurse, Skye Carroll, said. "I'll finish up here, you three should head back up and help the others. Were Prideful caused all that havoc." They went back up to the others.
   Morgan was close to going into a coma. He was with Valor and they were both ready for Prideful to kill him. "Did you know he could do that?" Morgan asked.
   "Nope."
   "Shouldn't I be dead by now?"
   " Probably, knowing Prideful, he'd finish you off before leaving."
   "Yeah... Why aren't we?"
 

Author's Note

Names are a work in progress tell me if I should keep them, other than that I tried to be as accurate as possible in expressing what happened, but I feel it was abit confusing, tell me bluntly what needs fixing.

Reviews

[Jason Henry]

prideful...i get why you would call him that (cause he's full of pride?). valor, skye morgan...those seem just fine.
i wasnt confused in reading this...but i cant help but think that you could have been clearer. however, if u have to jeopardize the flow dont do it...'cause the clarity is just my opinion. hopefully you'll get another opinion. what you could do is make read requests of your excerpt to your friends in writerscafe to get more feedback...

you have some really solid lines in here (i'm sure you know which i'm referring to haha...cause i didnt highlight em when i was reading ) you can paint the picture of the story...and prideful's genesis seems rather interesting. what i understand is that morgan's in some mental institution for schizophrenia cuz he's hearing voices...but turns out to be an actual person trapped inside another...that's multiple personality syndrome actually...and he comes out of morgan and wails on him? or is it that morgan's crazy and imagining all of this?

something seemed wierd with the fight...the fact that valor just stood there not doing anything or saying anything till the dude was pummelled...unless valor is another voice/person inside morgan and couldnt do anything????

at the end:
Morgan was close to going into a coma. He was with Valor and they were both ready for Prideful to kill him. "Did you know he could do that?" Morgan asked.
"Nope."

morgan was in like critical condition still im guessing so you'd need to kinda state it.
"did you know he could do that?" Morgan [u]groaned[/u]. or something like that...

the ending was cool though...i love how it ended. the start seems almost irrelevant though...the dude's crying over someone and triggers a series of events that leads to the dude gettin his a*s kicked but...is it possible to entwine the girl he loved with the story...maybe skye could be the girl??? i dunno...

nevertheless, it was a good story. definitely kept my attention cause most stories this long on dont keep me reading...not that i'm bored cause it takes time for a story to develop, but i'd hate to be dissapointed. you didnt tho! thank god...lol. hope this helps...take care