On My Sleeve

a brief, intimate autobiography

often,still, i sit at night alone
sometimes into the wee hours
reflecting on my experiences
and searching to unravel the complexities of love
there is a strange comfort in memory
sometimes painful, often exhiliarating
what once was or shall never be
is the greatest enigma of my tiny universe

jackie was my first taste of love
she was complex, fragile and beautiful
i was but a lad of sixteen
long hours on the phone filled our nights
our love fell victim to circumstance
military families often move away...this was my lot
separated by thousands of miles for too long
her young, free heart grew restless and could wait no longer
how could i be angry with her for breaking my foolish heart?
after all, we were but children and childhood is fickle and fleeting

the first cut is the deepest
so it is said
i shall cherish her memory
until my time is done...

jeanine was my true soulmate
my love of countless lives and ages
vibrant, frivolous,terminally pretty and full of trust
i loved her with every breath, every beat of my heart
she was the ying to my yang
the answer to love's deepest prayers
we were to be lifelong partners
and above all, the best of friends
jeanine's youth, vitality, beauty, and her very life
were stolen from her by murder most foul
slain by her own brother... she left us all
from this, my heart will never mend
i, too, have died
twice while comatose
it was then i met jeanine again
she was there to send me back, saying only
"baby, it's not your time"
so i must play this life out
haunted by dreams of this gentle soul
who once made me promise to love again
should fate ever separate us

so... is the first cut truly the deepest?
i fear this is not so
i believe each cut grows deeper
the further in love we fall

robin was a mere child of sixteen
with a wit and sophistication well beyond her years
a stunning redhead with eyes of jade
who beguiled and conquered this manchild ten years her senior
i was not want to seduce a child
but was seduced myself
she was charming, sexy, drop-dead gorgeous
and desperate to escape her mother, who encouraged our union
our love was fast, hot and consuming
in fact we were frantic for each other's company
and so we tied that legal knot, although,
confess i must... the union was reckless
the truth is she wasn't mature enough
at least, not responsible or reasonable enough
she often tried to provoke me to physical cruelty
of which i am not capable
it seems her father had been abusive
to both she and her mother
and her new "daddy" was not willing
to be that savage beast... i cannot!
this drew resentment and anger
and only fueled her passion for pain
i often dream and think of her and
hope she has found happiness

so... how many cuts can a heart endure
before it bleeds out?
i know not the answer
for i have not yet ceased to bleed

i had waited, resisted love and been celibate
for many, many years when i met denise
in fact, it had been three decades since robin
stung too many times, i was much more than gun-shy
convinced that i would go to my grave
without experiencing love again
i had to be encouraged by a  close friend
to pursue the object of my affection
denise was a woman of forty-seven years
still beautiful, with sky-blue eyes
and hair which can only be described
as a cascade of golden ringlets to just below her shoulders
a professional and deliberate woman
whose own experiences had been tragic,
she impressed me with her strength and courage
denise was a single mom with four children
i seduced her with my love of poetry and music
she brought me back to life, teaching me modern technology
and how to love again, she encouraged me to improve and excel
i truly believed she was to be my life partner
i asked her to be my wife and although she accepted
this union never came to fruition
blindsided by my first love in thirty years
my judgment was poor and shallow
i gave to her my mind, body and soul (and my money)
she was after much more...my money ran out
and so the love she had professed to me
turned out to be as shallow as my judgment
in the end her cruelty knew no bounds
do i hate her? NO!
denise will always be in my heart
i will always love her, often dream about her
but i will save my heart for another for as long as i live

hopefully
this was
the final cut
still bleeding!

pardon my french, i'm getting too damned old for this s**t!

bottom line... unless i win the lottery
or meet a lonely, rich widow
i shall wait to be re-united with a heart whom i know to be true...
jeanine, my true angel... i miss you

Reviews

[Marie Anzalone]

Vocabulary is a funny thing. It expands our options for awareness, for experience itself. Vocabulary of love, especially so. We often internalize attraction to another's person or energy as romantic love; we describe abusive situations as normal; we dismiss soul mates as made up; we reject the hands that reach out to us for not being exactly the right words we want.

I will tell you this- anyone who truly loves you is going to be happy for your happiness, short-term or long-term. I look at it this, and say, "Ok you're waiting for your soul twin. Maybe someone else is also waiting out this lifetime, too. What harm is there in spending some happiness together?"

You can close off the hurt, staunch the wounds, and hide. But that's not what we were made for, I think.

[quinfinn]

your words always give me pause to reflect and postulate. i am grateful for this stunningly poignant review.

[Emily B]

still bleeding, i give my heart as many times as i need to, forever and ever amen :)

[quinfinn]

good philosophy, Emily, thank you for reading

[Kristina Moulaison]

Wow! This is both eloquent and well written and just... beautiful
for the honesty and resigned wisdom it contains.
Having had a peek inside your heart I feel...honored to have heard it.
Each life is so precious, so complex and so much...the same.
"my love of countless lives and ages" this line jumped out at me because
I have been so blessed to know this kind. If it is for her sake
that you pour so much of your life's blood upon the page, I at least give thanks
for this one small mercy, though it is never going to be enough, I know, to fill
a void that immense. The heart holds an unforgivable abyss that plunges ever
deeper as it grows. With age perhaps we can wade in any water and know that we can stay afloat. That grace, the one that teaches us that we can withstand almost anything, the one called wisdom, it is purchased at a price almost too high to bear sometimes and others may sit in wonder at its gifts, while we are left to sit under a tree alone and listen to the wind as it whispers their name. Thanks for sharing this. May it comfort you to know that you are not the only one who sits under a tree and listens to the wind.

[quinfinn]

when you sit beneath that tree and listen to the wind, the whispers can become shouts at times, reminding one that their life is not yet over. i cherish every memory and often hear Jeanine tell me to keep searching for love. thank you for that generous appraisal of this wretched story.

[Kristina Moulaison]

Yes!! : )

[Horizon K.]

Very tragic! My heart goes out to Jeanine. As for Robin, well I'm glad you did not become the monster she desired. I think the only thing missing is I didn't understand what went wrong with Denise...she sounded so perfect at first but then...
Thanks for sharing what is obviously so personal. I do hope you win the love lottery:)

[quinfinn]

here is your missing link.....denise became ms. hyde....thank you for reading!

[quinfinn]

This is utterly beautiful my friend on how you give odes to all your loved ones in your past, we are the same in that..... As others not appreciate much, but who cares, loves and ex-es are not just ex-es, for me, as I never say goodbye's. They are real human beings, and we once choosed for them, so they are parts of our lives. It's real to write about this. It sets you only richer and further in life than to block it... for all turns always back by a not good processing problem.
You're a poet in heart and soul, and I thank you for this poem.

E.L.

[quinfinn]

i am humbled by your tender words and thank you for your friendship.

Thank you too for being always yourself, and the one I adore as a friend.

[SparksLC]

quinn.....this was so beautiful, yet tragic. you're so strong for still being able to stand tall and move forward after all of this heartbreak and sadness =(. I really admire you for that; it may seem foolish, but I can understand some of what you feel. I just wish i was a strong willed as you are to not feel hatred/anger of any form towards the people you loved for merely... leaving .I suppose I've yet to finish growing. You're a great person and a wonderful poet Quinn~ Keep writing friend of mine, this was truly a beautiful piece of work.