Understanding

I've been to the point I lost it all. I've held a razor to my wrist when no one was there. In my dreams I watch my memories of how I fall. In my dreams I watch people leave without care. It's funny to dream about your past. It's funny to hear the lies once again. I watch every night every step causing things not to last. I watch every night the reasons why my heart filled with. pain. I remember a time where I could smile every day. I remember a time where drama wasn't at every corner. The sad thing is you all pushed me away. The sad thing is the damage you have done is forever.

I wake every night with sweat and tears. I've watched every fateful event over and over for years. My life used to be all this happy feeling. Those years of my life where all the start of a collapsing ceiling.
All this time I thought I had it right. All this time I was causing myself to lose the fight. I didn't know I had to take precaution in believing. Now it's well into my understanding.

I never imagined that my kid life would be filled with misery, never imagined it to be scary, never imagined depression was my destiny. He consumed me, He abused me, He helped me. Depression, as horrible as he is, is the one who led me to victory. Underestimate is the problem he made. Underestimate was a opportunity I observed, noticed, and pounced on my chance. Nobody could ever do what I've done for myself all these years. Yes she makes me happy but it still was me who put away the knife, who put away the pills, who lived to see the next day, I am the one who fights for myself every day. I wish I would have realized this long ago. I would have made it so far. I relied on liars and monsters to guide me through my pain. Still, in the end, I was the only one who is still fighting. People come, people go, this is well into my understanding.

I wake every night with sweat and tears. I watch every fateful night over and o.ver for years. My life used to be all this happy feeling. Those years of my life where all the start of a collapsing ceiling.
All this time I thought I had this right. All this time I was causing myself to lose the fight. I didn't know I had to take precaution in believing. Now it's well into my understanding.