BOLD REPRISAL

Its a very short story about a woman who did something beyond her horizon to punish her enemy..

She was bored. The music was pumping. The drinks were flowing. And she was dressed to kill. She stood in front of the bar, running her eyes over the couples slow-dancing. And then she saw him. He stepped down from his shining black Mercedes- a man with elegant physic, cold and solid with eyes full of thirst for sovereignty. Each of the steps he was throwing towards that splendid bar was trying to demolish the innocence of that night. He was suddenly stopped by the warm hand of her.

"Hello, gentleman" she said.

He was speechless. His eyes were flowing as fast as the glamour in front him was getting heavier over his senses. Something knocked inside and…

"Beauty has never stopped coming to me but this is a real surprise!" he whispered.

"Senora, give me this night and I'll adorn it with all sort of flavor that you will like to have" he offered her.

Her gorgeous smile at once went distasteful and her innocent eyes were on fire. Something starts burning inside her; a scary voice engulfed her body. The awful wind threw her thin but strong hands, those were waiting to punish, into the vanity. She pulled a sharp knife and attacked him furiously. Every time she stabbed him, she wanted him to pay for whatever she had lost. At once the place was crowded and she… she was still.

A soft sun-ray made the tiny room lighted. She opened her eyes. Now she could feel the zephyr of gratification refreshing her. Her deadly revenge had been accomplished- the revenge from a betrayer who had buried her life deep inside dark pain; who made her sweet princess so crippled that the time had stopped its motion. The little girl had forgotten to smile… to talk… to swing around her mother in joy. But one thing she had left to do is to cry in pain hiding her tears inside.

"It's time to go lady." An officer cried. "to the court."

She stood up and got ready to move. Her face was reflecting a shine of satisfaction. She felt being freed from everything. The hearing was done. She came back to her destined world. But she had no sign of anguish. She was feeling her lost strength coming back to her life. She kept every promise that she had made to her sweet daughter… it's Over.

Reviews

[Sophie]

Nice. I liked it. You could have done a bit more explaining, but otherwise very well written and well done, great job.

[Sonali]

you cud've explained what really happened to her daughter..you described her mood in a bit boring manner,good use of vocabulary though.
we've got the same name :P

[Tim H]

Good story with plenty of potential. I have one main criticism that could strengthen your piece. You use passive voice sentences throughout the piece. Consider changing to active voice, it makes the sentences more impactful while making them concise: -She was bored. The music was pumping. The drinks were flowing. And she was dressed to kill.- Boredom enveloped her while the music pumped and the drinks flowed. Dressed to kill she stood.... I have one more point to consider. The story has a change in scenes in the last two paragraphs, but from the reader's perspective it sounds as though she is leaving the crime scene to go directly to court. You may want to put an ellipsis, (three periods) between the seventh and eight paragraph to signal the scene change. Hope this helps and I look forward to reading more from you.
Tim

[L.G.M Matabane]

Really Gloomy, This short-story show promise though. I picture a developing novelist at hand. Zypher/breeze...an extensible lexicon but could still improve.

Overall a story about The Brutality in Open Heartedness.... and betrayal as a motif. Do me a favour watch "White Oleander" it is relative to your expression.

I found it kind of impromptu/confrontational, this story would read good after a Horror a flick. I like horror.

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