Organ Grave Yard

A Poem by Alaska

Shattered hopes and dreams in piles to the right
Where once the raise of the sun shined so bright

Lost loved ones placed on the shelves above
Next to every other dying love

The box in the middle, packed safely
are parts of my heart,
with pictures and autographs
of those who tore it apart

The jar on my desk has what's left
of the shine that i had in my eyes
covered with all the disappointments, insults and lies

Placed in a glass box on the floor
you'll find my shattered lungs,
stained with pain,smoke and other drugs

Stashed to the left, are all the other organs of me,
of what use could they be?

At last,
My hands, hanging in a frame on the wall,
keeping them at a distance...

as they caused the most damage of all.....

© 2016 Alaska

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Reviews

emipoemi

Wow......this is solemn and poetically profound on many levels. The imagery is simply outstanding and the meaning behind the words is just...wow! The last line really puts the cherry on top. Well done!! I would, however, specify that there are a few flaws that undermine the overall power, that if tended to and emended, could surely render this poem into a genuine gem. If I may:

"When once the RISE of the sun SHONE so bright"

"The box in the middle, packed safely,/are parts of my heart"....there's no verb that really links those two lines. "The box in the middle" only specifies place, "packed safely" only specifies a how the parts of the heart are packed, and "are parts of my heart" would thus need a "where" to link it to the box or the first line would need another "in" to determine that "in the box [that's] in the middle, parts of my heart are packed safely". (I would also advise that a "the" be placed before "parts" as is adds more of an image to what's in side of the box as well as more power. Without the article, we, the readers, are left to picture that not all the parts are there. And the second part of the stanza alludes to all the parts being there).

"Stained with pain, smoke and other drugs"....don't know if "drugs" is the best word, since pain and smoke are not necessarily being depicted as drugs in this poem....or perhaps it's "other" that needs to change....to something more descriptive of the "drugs" than all three factors.

"Stashed to the left are all the other organs of me"...this is too wordy for the musicality, and I can see by the next line that you're trying to hit "me" for the rhyme, but with respect to the musicality of the poem so far, it's not working. I would advise to alter it to something along the lines of "Stashed to the left lie all the rest of me/the other organs that have ceased to be". Fiddle around with that idea to make it your own.

The rest is fantastic in imagery, musicality, all, right down to where it culminates at a really juicy line that really speaks for itself and proves relatable to all. Well done!

Posted 7 Years Ago

"When once the RISE of the sun SHONE so bright"

"The box in the middle, packed safely,/are parts of my heart"....there's no verb that really links those two lines. "The box in the middle" only specifies place, "packed safely" only specifies a how the parts of the heart are packed, and "are parts of my heart" would thus need a "where" to link it to the box or the first line would need another "in" to determine that "in the  box [that's] in the middle, parts of my heart are packed safely". (I would also advise that a "the" be placed before "parts" as is adds more of an image to what's in side of the box as well as more power. Without the article, we, the readers, are left to picture that not all the parts are there. And the second part of the stanza alludes to all the parts being there).

"Stained with pain, smoke and other drugs"....don't know if "drugs" is the best word, since pain and smoke are not necessarily being depicted as drugs in this poem....or perhaps it's "other" that needs to change....to something more descriptive of the "drugs" than all three factors.

"Stashed to the left are all the other organs of me"...this is too wordy for the musicality, and I can see by the next line that you're trying to hit "me" for the rhyme, but with respect to the musicality of the poem so far, it's not working. I would advise to alter it to something along the lines of "Stashed to the left lie all the rest of me/the other organs that have ceased to be". Fiddle around with that idea to make it your own.

The rest is fantastic in imagery, musicality, all, right down to where it culminates at a really juicy line that really speaks for itself and proves relatable to all. Well done!

Rating /100