Chapter 3: 'Take Your Judgements and Cast Them Aside...'

After one week of school Jessica faces more hostility from Meghan.

Chapter 3:

“…Take your judgments and cast them aside…”

�" ‘Whispering trees’ by Soil and Eclipse

 

 

Dear Aunt Jennie, Uncle Ray,

I’m adjusting to Arial Bataan boarding school very quickly. I’ve found myself being around Joe Jonas a lot more than I want to because of classes, and people aren‘t happy. The other day he told me he doesn’t even know half the people who crowd around him. I feel bad for him he’s really nice and doesn’t like hurting people… I really don’t like Meghan. She gives new meaning to the phrase ‘dumb blonde’. If she messes with me, I’m going squeeze her neck until I crush her precious little voice box. I can’t stand her she thinks she owns Joe and he can't help me find my classes or help me with the stupid questions I ask because I have no idea what's going on sometimes! She’ll come over while I'm talking to Joe and start running her mouth so I leave and go somewhere safe. I don’t like being around her and she needs to shut up before I shut her up.

I blew up on my gym partner earlier this week. He had it coming that a*****e… you should have heard what he said to me! He called me a weird creepy freak after hitting me in the head with the tennis ball intentionally. I told him not to peg the ball at my head because I'd like to at least try to participate. He wouldn’t relax, he hit it at me with full force and I hurt myself so many times before Joe came over and helped me. When he showed me how the game was played, he was nice to Joe, and then on my third try that jerk of a gym partner whaled the ball back at me. I flipped out on him and he deserved everything I said to him.

I’ve got to get working on my homework now I’ll write again soon.

Love,

Jessica.

I pressed send and the e-mail was sent to Jennie, the entire time I was typing the letter, I thought about lying about the gym incident and Meghan. I knew that Jennie would find out about those events, so I figured I would tell her about it in the letter. That way when the story gets twisted into something completely different, Jennie knows my side of the story already so she can prove them wrong. I don't plan on doing my homework anytime soon because I don't want to do it right now. I still need to get things off my mind but since I don't want to elaborate to Jennie about Joe.

October, 2nd 2005 1:05PM

This was my first letter I sent to my aunt after one whole week of school. That's right, one week has gone by and I nearly got into a fight during gym and kicked Meghan's a*s in the same day. I also wish Joe would leave me alone and stop trying to make me like him. My feelings for Joe have progressed from feeling like I'm in a fog to utter butterflies and I can't make it stop. I want it to stop but I can't. He ran into me or well caught up with me after science and asked me why I seem to hate him. I didn't know what to tell him so I lied.

 

“You seem like you don’t want to be around me,” he said looking disappointed that I didn't want to be around him.

“That isn’t the case at all.” I said feeling guilty about making him upset.

“I got that feeling when you walked into science,” how could anyone not see the color, or what little color I have, drain from my face? I honestly thought I was going to throw up from how scared I felt.

“I’m sorry Joe. I think you’re nice and all, but I don’t want to attract attention. But I have to admit knowing that I made every girl in that room jealous felt good well it only felt good for the people who deserved it.” I said still surprised that I liked making them feel jealous. It's just a phase I'll have my fun with it but I'm sure in two weeks I won't care anymore. "On that note why wasn't anyone sitting next to you if every girl looked like they were about to kill me for sitting there?" I asked suddenly curious.

"They take turns sitting near me or next to me, I honestly think it's stupid to decide who sits where, but if they're happy and not complaining I say have a blast."

"So who skipped their turn today?"

"I don't know Meghan keeps track of it."

"Joe, do you realize how pathetic that is?" I asked in utter shock. I stopped walking from the sheer stupidity of the situation.

"People think I'm famous because I take my band seriously. It's not my band, it's my brother's band too, but we're not even officially signed to a label, we don't even have an album out yet. We have a million songs, but what band doesn't write a whole bunch of material and possibly record it but never put it on an album. Yes, we like doing what we're doing, and we want to be famous, but we're not ready yet. I honestly want to be a comedian but the singing thing might work out better than being funny."

"People here are stupid, I think I might transfer somewhere, sorry to crush your hopes of getting to know me but I'm not going to a school where people don't understand the basic concept of having a band."

I think I talked to Joe more than I've talked to anyone in my entire life. My plan to remain hidden in the background is failing, and it's Joe's fault. English was 'better' than science because I wasn't having flashbacks but Meghan decided to get there late so I took her seat. Well I didn't intentionally take it, Joe told me to sit next to him and Meghan can sit in front of him. For that, my punishment was the evil eyes for the entire period.

"I thought I told you before, Joe is my boyfriend. We've been dating for nearly three years now and I'll be damned if you think that because you're new here you'll get special attention from him."

"Meghan, in case you haven't noticed, I don't give a rat's a*s as to who you’re dating. I’ve never been loved, and I don’t want to.” I hissed at her. I felt Joe’s eyes on me and I made the mistake of looking up at him causing my heart to stop and restart with a thud. The butterflies filled my stomach with such force I almost started giggling from the tingling. I had to look away from his beautiful brown eyes. He’d heard my comment and I knew what he was telling me. It seems stupid to assume this after knowing him or not even knowing him, but being around him for only forty-five minutes, but the smile said it all.

I bet my comment sparked his curiosity, he'll probably ask me what I meant when I said I've never been loved. He's also falling for me and that moment right there proved it. I've never had a boyfriend who actually cared for my well-being, but I have had girlfriends. I figure it's the same concept for guys only it's a man expressing the typical emotions in whatever ways men express love. Speaking of which, I wonder how Alicia is doing... I wonder if I could find her again... I remember her name, Alicia Dawn Kalamansky; she lives at Fairlawn Drive in Bainbridge, Ohio. I hope she still lives there if not then I might not be able to find her again. Maybe if I find her I can get her to come to school here and convince Joe I am still a full blown lesbian and he'll back off... even if I'm not really a full blown lesbian, I just want him to back off and it seems like the only thing that will send the message I do not want to date him.

“Knock, knock.” came Joe’s voice. I nearly jumped off my bed, closed my computer with one hand, and covered the back of my head with the other as a reaction.

"Jess, relax it's just me." Joe said standing in the doorway. I got off my bed and considered punching him in the face but how was he supposed to know I'd react that way.

“You scared me.”

“Sorry about that.”

“What are you doing here, aren’t you supposed to be with all the popular kids that hate me?”

“I can go wherever I please, I am not bound anywhere by any person. I wanted to come see you so that's what I did."

"Why would you want to see me?"

"I haven't seen you all day, you've been hiding in your room and I thought I'd say hello."

"Well you just said it, so goodbye now."

"Well that's not all," Joe said not ready to leave my room yet, "I kind of want to be away from people."

"So your logic was to come find me?"

"No, my logic was find a person who likes being alone and I came to you."

"Do you want me to tell them to go away? I'll tell them to leave you alone if you want."

"No it's fine, and I was kind of hoping you and Rose would be my homework buddies."

"I don't like people."

"It won't be people; it'll just be us three in here most likely."

"I'll think about it." I sighed as an awkward silence filled the room. I walked back over to my computer that I thought I broke before and checked to see if it is still in one piece and working.

"I know I startled you before, but did you cover your head because you thought you were going to be hit?"

"No, it was just a reflex, that's all it was and nothing more." Getting defensive is a great way to make people leave you alone about something.

"That was an odd reflex."

"Well I'm an odd person." I said as I opened the music player on my computer.

"So, about Meghan, I know she's a little, well a lot... She hasn't been so nice to you~"

"Joe, I don't want an apology from you. Meghan can be as bitchy as she wants to me but I don't give a crap what she thinks of me. She's nothing compared to the other s**t I've been through."

"She's not really that bitchy all the time, she's nice~"

"Stop it Joe, I really don't care about her. I feel slightly bad for her, she thinks if she goes out of her way to make me feel like s**t then I'll run away and go back where I came from. She doesn't realize she's wasting her time and energy, but I'll let her figure it out the hard way."

"Do you think I should give her an ultimatum?"

"Are you seriously asking me for relationship advice?" I turned away from my computer and looked at him hoping he was joking.

"I was just curious, I asked my brothers the other day and they said I should tell Meghan to relax and stop being so obsessive or break up with her."

"Just dump her and never associate with her ever again if you're not interested in loving or being friends with her, it's that simple."

"I've known her since forever; I can't just cut her off and never talk to her again!"

"Then don't come to me with your Meghan problems. That is my solution, if you don't like it find someone else with a better idea than mine."

"Well that was harsh."

"You're the one who wanted my opinion." I said turning away from him and looking back at my computer. I had no idea what I was going to do with it since I can't type my thoughts with him standing in the room. I didn't know whether I should tune him out or not, but I knew I needed to listen to Breaking Benjamin, so I put one ear bud in and blasted "Firefly."

"So a bunch of us are going to get smoothies later, do you want to come with us?"

"No, I don't like people, especially the people you're forced to hang out with."

"I'll bring you back a smoothie."

"Don't waste your money on me I'm not worth it."

"It's just a smoothie... they cost no more than a dollar." He said confused as to why I reacted the way I did.

"Don't question it Joe, I'm not explaining why I am the way I am." I put the other ear bud in and I couldn't hear him anymore. I didn't want to talk to him because nothing good would come out of it. Joe stood leaning against the bunk beds unsure if I was going to talk, I continued to ignore him and pay no attention to him and he quietly left.

Yes Joe, I would love a smoothie. I've never had one before. I would like to hang out with you, but the world won't accept it. It will only end in pain and suffering for both of us. It's best to keep him at fingertip length and not bring him any closer. I need another friend or someone to use as a friend. I guess I could put up with Rose or something, she's going to have to be less girly or I'll die. Actually, I don't even know how girly she is, but she seems pretty girly.

I had no idea what to write now, but I knew I couldn't stop writing. I'd end up being miserable if I stopped so I stared at the blinking cursor on the screen. I really don't feel like hiding in my room all day but I know the minute I leave something will happen. It’s better to be alone and away from everyone but I won't sit here hiding. I've spent enough time hiding in my room in the past and I won't do it here. I packed up my computer and decided to go somewhere on campus. Maybe I'd go bother Joe on his smoothie date with almost every girl in the school, just to piss them off and have some fun. I didn't get very far with that idea; I was walking down the hall when I ran into Rose.

"Hey there roommate!" She smiled and waved at me.

"Hi Rose." I said still not used to her overly happy mood.

"Where ya headed?"

"Nowhere in particular, I just didn't want to sit alone in the room anymore."

"Oh, well you can come hang out with me if you want."

"What are you doing?"

"Going to~"

"Get a smoothie, Joe already asked me before and I said no."

"When did Joe asked you?"

"He came up here and asked a few minutes ago, but I said no. It's no big deal."

"Yes it is~"

"Rose calm down he's just some guy."

"He's not just some guy!"

"Yes he is and if you and every girl in the school keep worshiping him like that this you're all headed for disaster." I guess I'm not hanging out with Rose today...

"I do not worship him... I just think he's really hot."

"Yeah and so does almost every other girl in our grade as well as his 'girlfriend.'"

"Why the air quotes around girlfriend, Joe and Meghan have~"

"Been dating for three years, I know that, she's made sure to embed that fact in my head every time Joe helps me out with something. I quote it because she's more of an obsessive stalker."

"Oh... well she is a little controlling."

"A little controlling?"

"Yes just a little controlling, it's not like Joe has no life other than Meghan and whatnot..." she said slowly realizing everything that was wrong with what she just said.

"See what I mean Rose?" I asked and she nodded slightly, I guess we'll be hanging out after all.

"I hardly ever talk to Joe anymore..."

"Wonder why that is..." I said half to myself.

"Meghan is always all over him."

"I know that and it makes me sick to my stomach."

"That's a little extreme..." Rose said as we started walking back to our room.

"No it's perfectly normal. She's disgusting with the way she acts around him. She also needs to put her b***s back in her shirt because it's highly annoying and I don't want to see them."

"Wow, and you don't care about Meghan or anything she does at all?"

"No I don't care for her or why she does what she does. Can we talk about something other than Joe or Meghan?"

"Well what do you want to talk about?" She asked as she put the key in the lock to reenter the room. I didn't know what I wanted to talk about because I don't talk to people often. I went silent for quite a while thinking about what I wanted to say or discuss in any detail.

"How about where you're from? I don't know that yet."

"Does it really matter?"

"Well I'd like to know, I'm from New Jersey, I live an hour away from here, in Somerset County. Yeah I come from a rich people place but I don't care for all the money and lavish lifestyle. That's why I'm here, even though people around here are somewhat wealthy it's different from my home."

"That's lovely; your family will probably hate me."

"Why do you say that?"

"I'd rather not remember it again."

"I'm sure they'd love you, I mean they love me and they all think I'm weird as all hell."

"They haven't met me... and they probably wouldn't want to." I sighed sitting back down on my bed. I stared up at my Breaking Benjamin posters; I wish Ben were here more than anything. He'd be my best friend and I wouldn't have to worry about anyone else because I'd have him.

"What about you? Where do you live, what's your family like?"

"I live with my Aunt Jennie and Uncle Ray."

"Oh yeah that's right you live across the street from Joe! I remember now."

"Well it's nice that he felt the need to tell people where I live."

"No he told me forever ago, in middle school I believe. He hadn't seen you in a while and he wondered why you hadn't been around and hoped he'd see you again. He didn't bother talking to you because he was scared he'd say something stupid and you'd hate him forever."

"Why would he care what I think about him?"

"Because he not so secretly liked you and has liked you for a long time, but he gave up or something when he stopped seeing you visiting your aunt."

"Well he's an idiot! He hardly ever said anything to me in the first place and I thought we agreed not to talk about Joe!"

"Well you live across the street from him!"

"That doesn't mean we have to talk about him!" I was getting frustrated again and I thought about walking away again, but I didn't know where I'd go. I don't have the school memorized yet, although I did get a map on my second day here. I don't feel like using it right now so I guess I'll just lay here and wish I knew Ben Burnley.

"So what about your parents, are they in your life at all?"

"Jennie and Ray are my parents."

"But you just said they're your aunt and uncle."

"The people who gave birth to me died a long time ago."

"Oh, I'm sorry, so you have no choice but to live with your aunt and uncle."

"I didn't know them, and they seemed rather mean, so I'd assume it's not much of a loss." I stared at the ceiling hoping that these lies don't come back to bite me.

"So do you want to go do something today, it's really boring in here." Rose said changing the topic obviously uncomfortable with the turn our conversation took.

"Yeah I would but don't ask me for ideas."

"There's an arcade here, if you like video games we could go there."

"No, I can't go to an arcade, I'm epileptic. Why else do you think I carry around medicine?"

"Um... honestly I never questioned it; I figured it was none of my business what medical condition you have."

"That's new..." I mumbled hoping she didn't hear me. It just occurred to me that before I implied I've been living with my aunt and uncle since I was a baby, but Joe's obviously talked about me before, so she should have called me out on the discrepancy but she didn't and I'm not bringing it up either.

"Do you like bowling?"

"It's okay."

"Want to go to the bowling alley?"

"I guess so." I sighed not sure what else to do, and with that we were on our way out of our room to go bowling.

* * *

"Don't we need money? I only have five dollars on me; the rest is locked away in our room." I asked as we walked past the main building that I swear gets bigger every time I see it. For some reason I didn't think to check my wallet to see how much money I had before we left. I thought for some reason we could get in free since it is on a school campus.

"I've got money, don't worry about it."

"I don't want you to pay for me; I have the money to pay for myself." I said wishing she'd told me that we have to pay.

"It's fine; it'll be my treat as a first thing we did together. It's a very important mile marker in friendships."

"If you say so..." it killed me inside to say this so casually. Everything inside of me screamed that I should go back and get money being conditioned to accept nothing unless you can obtain it yourself, and then hide it or you'll get beat to hell sucks. I can't get out of this mind frame. "Is the bowling alley one of those everything glows in the dark kind of bowling alley?"

"Nope, they only do that on Halloween and Christmas oh and sometimes on Saint Patrick's Day they go completely green." She said as we walked towards the entertainment section of campus. I honestly think this school was meant to be another town. It seems to bleed right into the town next to us, and I often wonder how confusing it must have been for the residents of the neighboring town of Ridgewood to one day have a random block dedicated to junior high school and regular high school students.

"Good, I really wasn't looking forward to reconfiguring our schedule because of seizures."

"Epilepsy must suck at times, I mean it sucks in general but especially when the place you're going to involves flashing lights and stuff that triggers it~"

"I get the point Rose; I've lived with it since I was born." And my pathetic parents made the epilepsy so much worse not to mention those brief periods of time where I decided drugs and drinking would end my life quicker. I put my ear-buds in one of my ears and began listening to Breaking Benjamin, one of their slower songs that the lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins wrote with Ben. The beauty of Breaking Benjamin, they don't tell you the lyrical meanings of their songs, Ben likes the fans to come up with their own meaning. It might seem like I'm self-absorbed to think the songs are about my life in any way, shape, or form, but something about Breaking Benjamin speaks to me and gives me a reason to live. Not to mention when I need something to scream about I turn straight to Polyamourus and I feel better almost instantly.

"You really like Breaking Benjamin."

"I love Breaking Benjamin; I don't know where I'd be without them. Sure Ben has his problems but he's getting better. I'm going to meet him some day." I smiled a small smile at the thought of meeting the man who has unknowingly kept me alive for so long. I bet I sound slightly creepy but I don't really care how I sound, as long as Ben is okay with it then nothing else matters.

"I wish you luck on your journey to meet Ben." She said as we finally arrived at the bowling alley creatively titled, Arial Lanes. The build is quite big; then again, I usually keep to myself and hide from the world. I've never been in a two-story bowling alley, but there's a first time for everything. "Do you want to pick a lane for us to play at?" She asked as we entered the rather plain looking bowling alley.

"Sure," I said as I scanned the area for an empty spot. I didn't think she'd want to be all the way in the corner that happened to be the only completely empty spaces. I narrowed it down to lane seven, the table was completely empty and the lanes before and after it only had no more than four people. I walked up to Rose who had just finished paying and told her which lane I'd picked.

"Awesome, not too crowded but still near some people," She said turning her attention away from the cashier for a moment, "what's your shoe size?"

I froze; I know what size sneaker I am but I don't know if this works the same for bowling shoes. I don't want to admit this lack of knowledge, something as simple as your shoe size and I can't even answer intelligently.

"My shoes that I'm wearing now are six and a half." I said looking down at my black and purple low canvas converse.

"So you'd be about a size three and a half, and I'm a size eight." She said as one of the seniors that are in my art class searched for the correct shoe size. I wasn't aware students could work here too.

Why can't I be smart or at least normal like everyone else? Why must I be so stupid?! I can't even figure out what shoes to order for bowling and Rose did it in seconds.

"You look miserable, what's wrong, did I do something?" Rose asked noticing my sudden mood swing.

"No it's not your fault." I sighed and walked back to our table to put the bowling shoes on. My craving for pizza kept getting worse and worse, but I didn't want to ask Rose to buy it and I couldn't go back and get my wallet. I figured I should just suck it up and deal with it. I had to look for something I could actually lift even if it meant getting some awkward green colored bowling ball. All the pretty colors seem to be on the heavier side and of course, the blue ones are a million pounds. I had to pick the near neon pink light red five-pound bowling ball.

"Holy pink bowling ball," Rose said as I sat down on the bench.

"It's the only one I could find that wouldn't break my arm."

"I hate when that happens. They usually have my twelve pound blue and green Earth looking ball, but sometimes it's not there and I use the blue and yellow fifteen pound one, I can deal with fifteen pounds it just begins to hurt after a while."

She has no idea how much I don't care about anything she just said, but if I want her to at least consider me as a friend, I have to act like care.

"That sounds annoying," I didn't have anything else interesting to add to this conversation and she didn't seem to mind. She put our names in the scoreboard thing that tells you your points and whatnot. Rose is going first since I really don't care which one of us went first. My IPod switched from Breaking Benjamin to Covenant as she let go of the ball. She scored a six, four on the first try and two on the second, now it's my turn to look like an idiot since I haven't gone bowling since I was little. I got up and slowly walked to out lane. I was trying to remember how to look somewhat proficient even though I've only played at least twice in my entire life.

One of the steps was to line yourself up with where you want the ball to go. The easiest way of holding the ball for me is to hold it forming a W with my fingers, but if I ever get better remember to keep my fingers pointed vertically. I remember Alicia telling me this when I went bowling with her. I wanted to flash back to that day, it was before we admitted that we liked each other, but both of us knew there was something there. I miss her more and more every day, but I have no way of contacting her... I thought about calling her all summer, but I got cold feet and I haven't called her yet, that is if I still remember where I put her phone number... well the number she gave me when I lived in Ohio.

Try to make the ball curve a little when you release it. It'll help get more pins down.

Little by little, the instructions she gave me that day came back and I felt slightly more confident as I let go of the ball and it rolled down the lane, however I didn't put much force into it and it inched its way towards the pins. Somehow, it knocked down seven of them, leaving three standing.

"Impressive." Rose said as the seven popped up in a little box on the screen. Once the ball came back up from whatever is behind the lanes, I repeated what I did before but with a little more force and ended up with a spare. I'm now in the lead with eighteen points and Rose has only six. I stayed in the lead until frame six, when Rose started getting more spares than I was and ended up with one-hundred and eleven points and I fell behind dramatically with eighty-one.

"You're not an overly competitive person are you Jessica?" She asked wondering if I'd be annoyed by the fact that I was losing.

"No, I don't care who wins or loses. It's just a game."

"Thank god, my last roommate was such a sore loser. I hated going bowling with her. Hey are you hungry, I'm starving."

"A little bit, but I can wait until this game is over to buy lunch."

"Don't be silly they have food here."

"But you already paid for the game~"

"Relax, it’s fine, what do you want to eat?" She asked as she reached into her purse to get her wallet. I really want pizza but I know for a fact they don't have ranch dressing here so it wouldn't taste as good and with my luck Rose doesn't like just plain pizza so that could create a problem.

"What do they have here?"

"They have quite an inventory of food. I'll go get you a menu." She said and headed over to the checkout counter to ask for a menu. She was back at our table before I could blink and I took the menu from her only to realize how much of an under exaggeration 'quite an inventory of food' was. They’re a mini restaurant with a bowling alley built in, and they have soup and salad meaning they have ranch dressing.

"Honestly all I want is a pizza," I felt bad for making her get up and get a menu only to order something as simple as a pizza but that's all I wanted.

"Pizza's good, want to split it in half?

"Sure, I just want cheese on it."

"Awesome, I'm getting sausage and peppers on the other half." She said standing up and started walking away only to remember we never ordered drinks, "Hey, what do you want to drink, I'm getting soda."

"Soda is fine."

"Okay, I'll be right back." She said and hurried away to order our food. I planned on putting my IPod back on and enjoying being alone for a few minutes, however that plan was ruined when I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I turned around, there's Joe standing there with his little I-don't-know-why-I-feel-so-shy smile.

"Hey, I heard you and Rose went bowling and she asked me to get her a smoothie before, is she still here?"

"Yeah she's getting pizza because we got hungry."

"Oh, I'll go tell her I got her the smoothie she wanted, and I got you one too its strawberry-kiwi."

"You didn't have to get me a smoothie." I said slightly surprised that he got me a smoothie even though I told him I didn't want one.

"Well I figured I'd get you one anyways, I felt like I should... so I did. I'm going to go give this to Rose, see you later." He murmured and walked away to give Rose her smoothie.

Why is he so strange? I sighed out loud and took a sip of the smoothie. I'm assuming we don't need our soda anymore since we have these, although pizza and smoothies sound like an instant stomachache waiting to happen.

"Enjoying your drink?"

What I should have heard was the nails scratching a chalkboard voice that comes out of Meghan's mouth, what I heard was Frank, and I jumped up out of my seat ready to defend myself only to see it was just her.

"Don't sneak up behind me like that!" I wanted to punch her in the face I felt so humiliated.

"It's not my fault you're a spazz."

"At least have the common decency to tap me on the shoulder or something next time!"

"No thanks, I'm not catching whatever you might be carrying."

"I'm not sick, I feel perfectly fine," the insult initially went right over my head, and then I realized she's probably assuming I have some form of disease... "You know what Meghan I don't know why you hate me so much but you really need to grow up and get better insults."

"I want you to go back to whatever rock you crawled out from!"

"Sorry, but I'm here to stay so get used to it."

"Then make Joe hate you~"

"You know what, no, he can like me if he wants because honestly it's fun watching you squirm from your insecurities."

"And you think I'm a b***h?"

"I'm pretty sure you are. In fact if you wanted to be even more obvious you should get a neon sign that says 'I'm a b***h' and attach it to your clothes." I replied as sarcastic as I could possibly sound and sat back down.

YOU IDIOT, GET BACK UP! I don't know how I could have broken one of my rules so blatantly, but I did, I looked away from my enemy. Thankfully, my guard was back up in time to duck and avoid her fist.

"I can't leave you alone for five minutes can I?" Joe asked as he ran back over to us.

"Of course you notice the minute I decide to defend myself."

"She didn't hit you."

"Well she's been acting like a complete b***h this entire time."

"And you've been nothing but sunshine and butterflies since I met you." I snapped and grabbed my bag; I took off my bowling shoes so I could put my normal ones back on. I had to leave the room; I guess I could go hide in the bathroom for a little while.

"Hey, wait a minute." Joe asked as I walked away from them. I didn't stop walking until he caught my arm and for the first time in I think my life I didn't have a bad reflex, normally I'd end up nearly punching the other person, but I didn't. Sadly, I was only a few feet from the bathroom, I guess I won't go hide there to cool off like I'd planned.

"What?"

"What happened with Meghan? I honestly didn't even know she was in here, she wanted nothing to do with this place."

"She's pissed you brought me a smoothie, so I decided to give her a taste of her own medicine and she didn't like it."

"Why is she mad I brought you a smoothie?"

"I don't know, she thinks I'm stealing you or something stupid."

"If I wanted to be with you, I'd have worked on breaking up with her already, I'm not going to be secretive about it."

"Well tell her that so she doesn't try to put me in a coma again."

"Put you in a coma?"

"I have a soft spot in the back of my head."

"Oh, I didn’t know that, I won’t let her try to hit you, well it’s not that I let her, but I’ll make sure she doesn’t try it anymore…” He said drifting off into thought probably about the soft spot on my head and if I would actually go into a coma if I was hit hard enough.

"You don't believe me."

"No I was just thinking that she doesn't really hit that hard. I mean I've seen her get into fights before and she can hold her own but she doesn't really cause that much damage to the other person."

"I'm going to go hide from everyone now," I said and wiggled my arm out of his hand.

"I feel like this is somehow my fault."

"Stop feeling guilty that your girlfriend's extremely insecure." I sighed and walked away from him.

"She's not technically my girlfriend," Joe admitted as I was about to enter the bathroom.

"I'm sorry, what did you just say?" I asked in complete shock.

"We're not dating, we stopped dating last year, but something happened to her over the summer and she's all over me again." He looked tormented with each word that came out of his mouth.

"Joe, fix this thing you have with Meghan. If you don't sit down and really think it over, I have no sympathy for you."

"I tried! Three times already. She won't listen to anything I have to say."

"So tell her you're done with her and move on. I'm not discussing this with you anymore." I honestly couldn't believe he technically just admitted he's letting Meghan boss him around and won't stand up for himself. It angered me to a point where I considered hitting him for being so stupid, but that's what Frank and Ashley do to me meaning I can't touch either of them. When fighting back makes the beatings worse, you treasure every opportunity to defend yourself that comes along. Joe's just letting her walk all over him, controls who he hangs out with and who he doesn't as well as for how long he can hang out with them. She's abusing him and he's just letting her do it.

I think I'm going to be sick... I think I should just go back to my room and lay down for the rest of the day. I don't need this stress I'll start cutting again. On that note, why the hell hasn't Jennie gone through my stuff and taken the razors I stashed away from me? She knows I still have them, I can't seem to take the blades out from the plastic handle on the disposable ones, even though the point is to make myself bleed, I don't want to kill myself from it. I don't need much just a little pain is enough to make myself feel better...

Do Not Relapse!

But it's easier...

Dealing with therapists and mental health doctors again is easier.

That's only if I'm caught. No one would even know...

Author's Note

this is probably a really confusing chapter and I apologize for that.