They Said So

A short scene about an unknown man who has been coerced into doing something illegal against his will.

 

They said so

 

It was raining in sheets. Lightning flashed. The man caught a glimpse of the wet alley walls, looming over the slippery street; and the clock tower, hands pointing one in the morning.

 

They said to be there at one o’ clock.

 

He fumbled with his torch a moment.  The battery’s dead! he groaned. Now what?

 

They said to find the truck.

 

“Where is that blasted thing?” he said to the rain. Thunder rolled around in the sky, furious at him for accepting the ridiculous offer.

 

They said there would be a reward.

 

A flash of lightning again lit up the dark street. This time the man saw an old van parked on the corner.

 

They said it would be under the front driver’s seat.

 

He stumbled around in the dark rain, feeling the way with his hands and feet. There it was, dirty and grey.

 

They said the key was under the front right-hand wheel.

 

“It isn’t that easy, you know!” he yelled to no-one in particular. He felt around under the tire, his hands fumbling over the wet cement. Something cold and metallic hit his hand – the key. It was shiny; he could feel it, running his hands over it.

 

They said their man would be there at the rendezvous five past one.

 

Thunder growled again, though farther away. The rain continued just as relentlessly. He swore as he struggled with the key, pushing, twisting. Something clicked; he turned it, and took the briefcase.

 

They said not to damage it.

 

Raindrops instantly spattered over the leather. Its newness contrasted sharply with the grimy alley and truck. Pointless, really, thought the man bitterly. It brought his family to mind; coming home, slapping his briefcase on the bed. Ava and Max and Ryan. Lori.

 

They said to hurry.

 

“Why am I doing this?” He couldn’t hear himself for the rain. Suddenly, he took the briefcase and ripped the already soggy papers in pieces. It wasn’t worth it! It wasn’t worth the money, the reward, the pay raise. That was all they cared about; not him. He trod the now useless paper into the mud and left the briefcase on the ground to rot for all he cared.

 

 They said their man would take care of him if he refused.

 

Then he ran.

Author's Note

They said so is meant to be a tense, fast-moving piece. Is it? Do I have too many of "They said..." lines?

Reviews

[Puzzle-bot]

Great, I love it every single time I read it!

[Maria Retz]

I like the repetition with 'they said..."
It makes it intense.
When you do something you don't like, you often think tons of thoughts, perhaps even talk quietly to yourself, so in this way the repetition with "they said..." makes me know that he is very scared, he has to keep thinking or else he risks feeling too much

[Sheila Kline]

It is my opinion that the "They said" lines work well with the write, and help carry the reader from one action to the next.
The story is gripping, but I felt a little "let down" with the last line, as it is all so dramatic, and then the words..."Then he ran" didn't quite fit the rest of the poem........perhaps you could use a different phrase to cap it off.
I understand that he walked away from it all...but words with more of a flair might have finished it on a better note.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed it!

[Kaitlin W. Blaylock]

The parallelism and repetition works in your favor here. It reiterates your point. This piece really grabs the reader, but you need to explain what it is exactly that "they" want him to do. Run drugs, prostitution, money laundering, art fraud...what is it exactly?