Chapter 10 - Desperate and Broken.

As the title indicates, I'm feeling a little down. Well, down is an understatement. You see, I've recently discovered something about myself: when I read about others' problems, especially depression, I can always hand out this great advice on how to overcome it and stabilize their life, but when it comes to myself, I draw up a blank. I have timid suggestions on things I could do, but I feel as though I'm being held back from being truly happy by something. The problem is, I can't figure out what this something is. Is it my inability to turn someone away, to express my actual feelings about whomever it is? This seems like one of my larger faults. I have a good amount of friends, but you know how there's always one or two friends you have that really bother you and, realistically, you despise them? I want to rid them from my life, but unfortunately I have the heart not to tell them what I really feel. That is another one of my largest flaws/ biggest assets: shutting off other people to my feelings. Usually people rarely know what emotion I'm experiencing at any time. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing. I feel like I'm rambling, but these are some of the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis.

Anyway, the best way to describe my emotion right now? Broken. I feel like nothing can "fix me", that I have a growing crack in me that's going to build up and just explode someday. I know that soon I'm going to crack when I'm talking to somebody I'm faking my emotions to, and this knowledge is making living a tad daunting. I can't wait until summer, when I can just disappear for three months.  

 

- S.T.

 

Listen to: Capricorn - 30 Seconds to Mars 

Author's Note

I don't know what exactly you would call this... a rant maybe? Who knows.
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