Say My Name

Please say it or I'll live with regrets...

I'm scared to walk into that hospital room.

I hate the clinical scent of it stinging my nose.

But nothing could compare the stinging pain in my eyes as I begin to cry

With a quick wipe and a fake smile I open the door.

I see you there lying still on the bed.

Your face though withered but filled with the wisdom you taught me.

My relatives where there telling me to talk to you.

Even though those relatives were very close to me I still feel suffocated.

Suffocated that every time I see them I had burdened myself with the regret I didn't do enough for you

Or that I wasn't good enough...

But I shake off that feeling away

Throwing off it's burdening weight.

My sister calls you and your eyes flutter open.

Your eyes were tired and the irises were milky at the edges

You stared my sister

Then they asked you who she is

You called her name

Next your eyes fell on me

My mother asked you who I am.

You just stared into my eyes.

Your lips closed no voice I heard from you.

Did you forget about me already?

Why won't you say my name?

You know me don't you?

Do you recognize my face?

Right?

Please just say my f*****g name!

Please just say it... it's like the proof that I was good enough

The proof I am granddaughter you could be proud of.

The proof... what proof?

I just stared at you biting back the tears and disappointment

You wouldn't say it... and my guess was right.

You just looked at me and tears started rolling down your cheeks.

Have you truly forgotten about me?

Was I unloved so much that you couldn't say my name?

Did I not do enough that you refused to acknowledge me?

Or was it painful to see me that your tears started to flow?

I love you! I always have... 

These words I couldn't say to you 

I hope you noticed.

I love and care about you so much even though I'm not your number one

I am very proud to have a grandmother like you.

I pray to the Lord that  I would be the one lying at that bed instead of you

I would gladly take your place. 

I'm just a troubled little girl on the verge of clinical depression

Unlike you a woman loved and remembered by many.

They need you more than me

So please stay a little longer... I'm still lost.

Sorry for being selfish...

Sorry for losing hope that you'll get through this

Sorry for staying silent

Sorry I couldn't say the words I had to say

Sorry I wasn't good enough...

Why "not good enough"?

Because I have been selfish and ignorant

And I think that the things I did for her didn't justify the love she gave me.

I am still not able to repay the debt as I run out of time.

But please say my name

Or I will live with regrets as you return to the Lord's embrace.

Author's Note

I'm emotionally weak right now... I haven't found the courage to continue my book. Forgive me for this crappy poem...

i don't own the pictures
Send me reading requests so I can thank you!

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful and worthwhile poetry. You made me feel the need and the want of the words. The poem felt real and alive. Sometime we need simple words. Thank you for sharing your amazing words and thoughts.
Coyote

[Psychotic Lily]

I think I kept my writing style of the journalist I am and once was. Feature writing makes me show stories but I can't use deep words so the masses could understand. Thank you once again Coyote. Please send me read requests :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You did very well and you are welcome.

[rowan.taylorrr]

wow, this is breathtaking. this is amazing

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you xoxo. Please feel fre to send me read requests to thank you. I'm always busy so I tend to forget to show my gratitude to my friends. And I love to read the work that you are proud to share with me.

[rowan.taylorrr]

thank you, I sent you one piece that I am very iffy about if you don't mind reading

[Psychotic Lily]

Sure I'm reading through the read requests right now. There's so much to do everyday T_T

[Carol Cashes]

Her tears weren't those of disappointment. If she was as wise as you say, then she knows (knew?) that those who act the least lovable, need love the most and maybe she felt she had failed you. Just a thought...but at age 61 with a 100 years of experience that's how I would feel in her place. It's not that you weren't enough - you may have been too much. Some folks just don't know how to love us weird ones....

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you Carol. This has really lifted my spirits up. I'm trying to keep my head above the water as of now. I'm afraid that I cannot swim with the current and my lungs be filled with the water of my worries. But thank you really, your message has really made me happy and ease the pain.

[Asha]

Wow, this is really good! Touching for sure!

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you Asha

[Hope]

This is heart touching Lily:)
I love this poem!
Great work:)

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you Neetha :)

[Sapientiam]

Now, this is truly heartbreaking, yet, something I can truly relate to. The first couple of lines threw my mind into the past, where I watched my sister die in the hospital. These regrets that you have from your grandmother reminds me of how I never got to say "I love you" before she died. These feelings wrenched my soul, and this poem acknowledges the frailty of humans. I'm still living in my past mistakes; it's inescapable... Though, I feel if you want to get through this, then endure this pain. Let it seep in deep, perhaps break you. Anything that is broken can be repaired with time, and maybe you'll be stronger. Because, that is the hidden beauty of pain. We can let it destroy us forever or allow it to refine us. I know you're going through a tough time with depression and I'll be the first to say that I have no personal experience with mental disorders (as in me having them). But, all I can share is hope with you, for I am still in this stage... Your grandmother, if I may say, would want you to remain strong, no matter the struggles. Fight for her. Fight for yourself.

And... I'm rambling again... Anyways, lovely work, as usual!

[Psychotic Lily]

Sapientiam thank you so much for tour advise. I haven't gone for a diagnosis. But I think I might be sonfusing depression for sadness. Thank you for sharing your experiences and sympathizing with mine. I'm really grateful.

[Sapientiam]

You're welcome! Just trying to lend a hand. ^ ^

[keith]

even in this time of stress and emotional disarray you are still able to put your words to paper
and they are your words
true to that within you
true to the others in your life

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you ABG! 😁

[Vic]

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Thank you for sharing your experiences here, I hope you and your grandma find peace.

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you Vic... :)

[Raven Moonchild]

(bear hugs) This wonderful and sad poem reminds me of when my great grandmother died a couple of years ago. I never knew if she got the last poem I sent her. If you need someone to talk to,I'm here for you,dear. :)

[Psychotic Lily]

(hugs back) Thank you Raven for taking the time to read and extending a helping hand. I'm very grateful for that. I really need to write to sort myself out. It's nice to talk to people who aren't in your vicinity.

[Raven Moonchild]

Ah, writing. The best kind of therapy. And it's free!! lol But, I find that sometimes, talking to a friend is just as helpful. I hope things get better for you, dear. :) I know how hard it is to look at someone you love in a hospital bed, not knowing which breath is their last. When my Nan was in the hospital when I was a kid,she lost her hearing aid,so she couldn't hear me. I signed "I love you" to her. :)