Prologue

Branded... (read the intro to the book at the author's note for the book to understand what you are about to read)

Cold sweat dripped down from his brow as he came to. His dark black hair was plastered against his forehead. And he could feel nothing but the numbing cold for he was stark naked with his hands chained to the walls and his knees touching the freezing polished cement. 

The first thing that came to his mind was, Welcome to hell...

How many hours had passed?... it might have even been days since he last saw the sun. He couldn't remember, he even thought if he would even see it again. He stayed in confinement for who knows how long in the eerie darkness and deafening silence that stank of sweat, blood, and piss.

But it didn't matter... as long he was the only one suffering. As long his sister was alive and well nothing mattered even he was dragged into this cold dark hell.

Then the lights flickered on.

He squinted his eyes that were momentarily blinded by the sudden light. When his eyes adjusted to his surroundings the first thing he saw was a white bearded man at the steel door way, he looked like Colonel Kentucky if only he didn't have such an evil grin plastered on his face.

"So the drugs finally wore off?" he said and entered the room walking his way to him. He walked heavily, his every pounding step echoed in the steel room as though the noise was trying to drill fear into his system.

He knew that voice... that face... the faint smell of musk that hung on him. Then he remembered everything. The deception and temptation that was decorated with a promise of a good life and wealth served to him on a silver platter was actually a trap set up to drag him and his sister to this hell hole.

His blood began to boil inside him, his rage and anger now insatiable that could only be quenched once his fingers dug in his thick and withered neck wringing the life out of him. He forced to stand up but his legs felt as if they were made of leg and every muscle he moved screamed in pain.

He could do noting but hang against the wall and breathe as if all the air had sucked out from him.

"I'll kill you!!!" he gritted "You told me that we'll have the life of luxury if we come with you. Then why are you doing this?!"

"Didn't I tell you that you and your sister had to pay the price in exchange for my wealth? And this is it, the condition was to do a 'small errand' for me" he beamed.

"It didn't say that I had to be locked up here! Now, tell me where is my sister?!" he demanded as he breathed heavily. He felt as though speaking alone tired him already.

"It seems you didn't read the fine print of our contract" Colonel Kentucky look-alike sighed "After all, everything has a price!"

"I'll kill you, you f****n' b*****d!!!" the young man yelled.

"Not yet lad... not yet..." he said his frightening smile that only grew wider. The old man grabbed his face hard enough that he thought his cheeks would end up bruising. The bearded man pulled the young man's face towards him close enough that he could clearly see the boy's stunning beautiful eyes in the dim light,"You don't want your sister to die... am I right?"

His eyes widened and his lips quivered in fear, the rage he felt as those words slipped from his captor's mouth was unimaginable as if someone stabbed him in the gut. A searing pain running across his body. "What did you do!?!?!" he yelled at the top of his lungs "I'll kill you! I'll kill you! Where is she you f****n' b*****d!!! What the hell did you do to my sister!!!" he screamed despite his face held by the grip of the bearded man's hand.

"See for your self..." the old man grinned and tilted the boy's face to the side.

At the dark corner dimly lit room there he saw a young woman covered in cuts and bruises as though she was a bloodied rag thrown on the floor. She had the same black hair as him and was stripped naked as well. She lied down with her stomach on the floor and he could see on her back was a burn that twisted into a symbol formed by a branding iron.

She slowly lifted her head and saw her face. She had the same blue eyes as him, but were dead as if the life and joy were sucked out of them.

"I had to brand two symbols on her... she easily endured the one her back, but she almost died when she received the front. I'm surprised she could still lift her head though" the man said looking at the half-dead body as if it was some experiment that gave him interesting results.

"Brother" she groaned that followed with coughs of blood that spilled on the floor.

"No... no... what the f*****g hell did you do to her?!" he yelled and poured his boiling anger into every word.

"Do you want to know so badly, lad? You'll go through the same thing your sister did... that way you'll know" the old man's lips curved upward reaching his ears.

"It would be very... enjoyable" he laughed and released the boy's face.

And before he knew it, he was screaming on the top of his lungs and the smell of burning flesh wafted in the air... his burning flesh.

Someone save me from this hell...

Author's Note

Please look at the author's note of the book for the book description/introduction.

This is still being edited so giving me good advice on working this out would be really helpful. The chapters will be uploaded every Saturdays/Sundays. And I will mention if the chapters that have been reviewed and edited in the Author's notes (of my will be recent posts) if you want to read a better version. I might post the better edited version in another book or in my wattpad account. For now this is the prologue the not proofread version.

Reviews

[Vic]

This certainly is an intense opening for the book. You might be able to include the boy’s name in the opening, but it is a stylistic choice. It’ll help differentiate between the villain and the boy, since they are both referred to as “he/him”.
“How many hours had passed?... it might have even been days since he last saw the sun. He couldn't remember, he even thought if he would even see it again. He stayed in confinement for who knows how long in the eerie darkness and deafening silence that stank of sweat, blood, and piss.”

This paragraph implies that he has been imprisoned for a long time and knows it, though the later comment about the drugs wearing off make me think we wasn’t supposed to be aware. Maybe leave the sentence about the days since he last saw the sun out. The stench of the place could be his clue that he has actually been there a lot longer than he knows.

“He forced to stand up but his legs felt as if they were made of leg and every muscle he moved screamed in pain.” I think you meant something like his legs felt like they were made of jell-o, or lead or something.

“You told me that we'll have the life of luxury if we come with you. Then why are you doing this?!" Try to avoid using the ?! combo. Just use the ? and indicate yelling with a verb like shouted, screamed, raved, snarled or something similar. The bit about living a life of luxury seems like an odd choice of words for a poor kid, naked and chained to a wall to say.

Once you start on the dialogue, you stop describing the scene as much. You can throw in a few actions or facial expressions to keep it balanced.

“The old man grabbed his face hard enough that he thought his cheeks would end up bruising.” This could be shortened to “the old man grabbed his face with a bruising grip.” If the young man is that worried about his sister, he’s probably not worried about a few bruises.

I am not sure how common it is for someone to refer to their brother as “brother”, but maybe it is a regular thing for her and I’ll see it in other parts of the book. If you did choose to reveal his name in the prologue, she could say it here.

Well I hope this helps. Good luck with your story!

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you Vic. Your comment has really helped me. I'll start editing it. 😁

[Accalia]

This gave me shivers, It captivated me and I am eager to read more!

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you Accalia! This chapter is still in process and i will be editing it a lot so please look forward on my update.

[Raven Moonchild]

I must say,this has scary good detail. While reading,you can almost smell the stench and feel the pains that this man and his sister are having to endure. I'm really interested in knowing what happens next. :)

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you Raven! This chapter is still in process and i will be editing it a lot so please look forward on my update.

[JayG]

Start with the good: this is much better than most of what’s posted here.

Next:

• Every single published writer has no problems with one punctuation mark to end a sentence. Emulate them, because the emotion belongs in the writing, not the punctuation!!?!,.

• You’re assigning emotion to the characters, rather than giving them reason to feel as they do. Think about it. What idiot, chained and immobile will threaten someone who has the power to hurt you if you make them angry?

• The biggest problem is that you, the author, are explaining the events to the reader as an outside observer. When was the last time you thought about your hair color? Probably not often. So if the person we meet in the opening is our protagonist, and we’re in his viewpoint, who noticed and reported his hair color? Not him, and you’re not in the story or on the scene. So by appearing in stage to talk about what you see you kill realism.

• he was stark naked

What’s the difference between being naked and stark naked? Are there really degrees of nakedness beyond not wearing clothing? No. My point is that in telling the story aloud you emphasize words to add emotional content, but the reader hears every word at the same volume, with no emphasis unless it’s inherent to the wording. On the page, every unnecessary word slows the read and removes impact.

• “Cold sweat dripped down from his brow as HE came to.”

If he’s important enough to be the star of the show he damn well better be important enough to have a name.

• “The first thing that came to his mind was, Welcome to hell...” So he wakes up in a strange place, in the dark. He doesn’t wonder where he is and how he got there. He doesn’t check to see how he’s being held and if he’s functional, he just thinks the line you gave him because you assigned him the line. He doesn’t notice the cold, the pain, or anything?

My point is that this isn’t him. It’s you talking about him—as-you-visualize-him, for plot purpose, not reality. In reality, if he was chained against a stone wall and unconscious for hours he would have one of two problems: If he was on his knees for hours he would be in agony. They torture people that way. If not, hanging from his arms like that he might have dislocated shoulders, or simply extreme pain because of the weight of his body on his rotator cuffs.

• “the first thing he saw was a white bearded man at the steel door way,”

Doorway, not door way. And, since he knows the man he’s not “a white bearded man.” He knows him by name and thinks of him that way. Only you would identify him that way, and again, you’re not in the story. It’s his story and he’s our protagonist, so we need to know know his situation as-he-knows-it, to keep it from reading like a report. The goal is to make the reader live the story in real time, as a participant, not learn the detailed history of a fictional character. No entertainment value in a history lesson.

You continue this way. When he sees his sister how can he not recognize her? Hell, from the fact that she’s in the cell with him he knows. And this is HIS story.

And what are the odds that just when the man turns our protagonist’s head she looks up so the protagonist sees her face? In real life, damn poor. In a story where the author provides a script, and needs her to turn her head for dramatic pueposes good. Just as calling him “brother,” something that people don’t do in life is in her script. If it’s necessary that we don’t know their names, just have her “call his name.”

The short version: you’re presenting the words you would use to tell the story aloud, to a reader who cannot hear the emotion in your voice and doesn’t know how you want THEM to read it. And that can’t work.

Writing fiction for the page is a specialized skill, requiring knowledge we’re not given in our school years. That knowledge is easy enough to find, online, in the local library, and through booksellers like Amazon. But acquiring and perfecting the necessary skills, as in any other profession, isn’t optional.

You have the wordsmith skills. To that you need to add the craft and knowledge of the fiction writing pro. The local library system’s fiction writing department will have lots to read on the subject, and is a great resource.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you JayG for pointing out my mistakes and I am very grateful for that. I really should start reading more resources. I cannot thank you enough. 😁 I am really happy that you reviewed my work and really told the things wrong with it from the general to the details.

[Wajiha Nayeem]

beautifully penned...i loved everything in this!

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you :)