Diary of a Psychopath-1st installement(revised/rewritten 3rd draft)

Everyone has a mask they wear, some wear it at work and then show their friends who they are, some wear it for their family. But some are so hideous deep inside, so twisted, they wear it all the time. Trouble is they look beautiful on the outside,

Chapter 1-

 06/24/2008

So I’ve been having the dream again. The one where I’m a kid, and I had just got a kitten for my birthday. I was playing with the kitten when it sinks it’s nails into me, and I threw it across the room. I remembered the sound as it’s head hits the wall. That dull thunk, as it’s eyes glazed over, and blood poured out it’s nose. After that, I continued to play with the dead kitten for over an hour. I liked it better that way, it let me pet it and everything.
Ever since that day, I’ve been fascinated with death. Fascinated with a need to see those few seconds of the in between when crossed over from life to death. I killed more animals trying to see what it saw when it died. Their eyes had a dawning peace come over them then just blanked out after that. I’ve never told anyone about my fascination with death. I think that’s what made me become a vet. I've always wanted to be there when they died. To see what they saw.

Last night I took it one step further.

 Luke and I had our ususal date night in, where I agreed to cook and we would just spend the night in. I was reaching my three month limit him. That’s usually when I let them go, because they start to get so close, to the truth about me. I can’t let that happen. So, Luke was sitting on the couch while I was making dinner and was talking about his parents. "You’ll really like them," He said, "They’re really laid back and love animals, so you’ll get along really well."
‘Yuck,’ I thought to myself as I contemplated meeting his parents. ‘Guess I’ve reached the fight or flight moment.’ I had finished with making the salad and started to reheat the soup I had made earlier. ‘I just wish there was an easier way to do this.’
I thought with distance as I stirred the soup. ‘I can’t meet his parents, parents have built in radar to detect things in people. If I try to use my mask on them, I’ll just end up being called a faker by them. I thought while furrowing my brow in thought. Jason was still on the couch just yammering away. Really he had become a nuisance, and meeting his parents were just like the straw that broke the camel’s back. ‘Decision made’ I thought as I nodded my head quickly and walked over to the pantry for my spice to add. I opened the pantry in my small little kitchen and reached down to the bottom shelf, way in the back, for my special spice. It was in a un-marked, brown clay jug and was sealed with a cork lid. I brought it over to the pot of soup and pulled out some of the stalks and flowers that were in the jug. I know there was a time I would need these, and the rainy day had come. Grabbing up my large chopping knife I give them a run through and carefully wash the milky white substance that came out of the stalks, off my hands and the knife. ‘Really one must be careful!’ I smiled to myself, he would never know what was coming and I would get to see a unique sight for the first time in my life.

I placed the bowls onto the table and told Luke that dinner was ready, in a voice that I could muster as calmly as possible. We sat in relative silence as he began to eat the soup. He didn’t even notice I was just sitting there watching him eat, not touching mine at all.
He ate the whole soup, without complaint, in fact he actually made sounds that meant he liked it!

"What are these, he asked holding up the secret ingredient. I smiled back at him and said with a laugh, "I thought you would recognize leeks by now honey." He scrunched up his face for second longer looking at them then shrugged and ate them quickly. Soon his bowl was empty.

"That was delicious Isabelle! What was that, a veggie recipe you got off the food network?"

He said looking down the table at my bowl. "Actually it’s an old family recipe," I started and met his eyes as he gave me a questioning look, "And I didn’t eat because I’ve had terrible heartburn all day, I thought it would’ve dispersed by now but it’s not let up even a little bit." I grimaced and held my chest as I said this and he smiled and just said, "Well then, do you mind if I have yours?" I couldn’t believe my ears, HE WANTED MORE!?!?!?! I tried to keep my smile innocent but it came out devious I know.

"Sure Hun, but do you think you’re really hungry enough to be able to eat both?" I asked innocent as a lamb. He was eyeing my soup and licking his lips, "Yeah I can give it some room in my stomach." I just laughed and walked the soup over to him and set it down. As I carried the other bowl away I could hear Luke say, "Boy it’s getting hot in here, isn’t it? Don’t you think we should open a window or something?" I just kept smiling because I knew the drug I used was working. I walked back in from the kitchen to see Luke just sitting there, trembling. He looked scared. "What is it Luke?"I said slowly and with a smile.

"I-I don’t know, I’m sweating, and trembling, and…AND I CAN’T MOVE MY BODY!!" He said in a loud panicked voice. That’s when I knew my time to unmask had come. I started to giggle and walk slowly over to him. "Gee Luke, I’m sorry you’re feeling that way… I hope it wasn’t something you ATE!!" And I gave him a wicked little smile. He just continued to look scared and this is when I realized he couldn’t even talk. So I reached his side and pushed him out of the chair, and he landed- on his side, I rolled him over, just so I could stare into those pretty baby blues. They were just wide as saucers and the pupils were actually huge! I mean like he was on acid, huge! You’d think they’d be pinpoints because of the fear. And then I thought about it. Ahh yes, the "herb"

I sat down on Lukes lap and smiled down at him while he just stared up at me his eyes huge with fear. "You know those Leeks that you were so happy to munch on Luke? Well they weren’t Leeks. In fact, you’re really not supposed to eat them at all. It’s an herb called Hemlock, see. And I ordered it awhile ago. Thinking it would come to this in our relationship. Now you started out sweating, then came the trembling, and of course the muscle movements restricted. But you don’t know what the final result is." I paused in my narration to smiled down at him. He tried to open and close his mouth, like he wanted to say something but couldn’t. So I give him my sweet smile and pinch his cheeks, "Oh it’s okay Luke, you don’t need to say anything. I understand it all. And soon so will you because the last symptom is the freezing up of the lungs. You won’t be able to breathe. So of course, in a matter of mere minutes, you’ll choke to death, suffocation, man that’s got to be a horrible way to go." I said all this with a pathetic attempt of pretending to be sorry for him. But I was having too much fun and my face reflected my glee. Suddenly I could hear faint half gasps coming from his mouth, short and tiny like he was quietly trying to gasp for air. I wasn’t making it any easier as I was sitting on his chest, but it was fun to of course be a weight that helped to strengthen the hemlock’s power. So I sat there and keenly watched his eyes, his mouth bobbed open and shut for quite a few minutes reminding me of a fish that I had caught once when I was about 14, it just opened and closed it’s mouth several times, then stopped as it could no longer breath above water. Luke’s eyes were absolutely bulging now, like he could pop a vein at any minute and his hands began to faintly slap against the floor, looking for anything to help…but of course, there was nothing. I sat back and clapped, laughing with glee, this had felt better than any Christmas I could remember. Finally his mouth was opening and closing much slower. And his gasps were like tiny hiccups. He jerked, once, twice, and then was still. I stared into his eyes for a few seconds while checking his pulse on the side of his neck

No pulse, and there seemed to be no change in his eyesight. ‘Damn! How did I miss it?’ I thought in bitter disappointment. I slapped his face and pushed against his chest to stand up. I could feel the scowl formed on my face. I would definitely have to think more on the next one. Since I did this one, I knew I was going to be another. Who is the question, and When. Suddenly I hear a voice, it’s a little girls voice, "Promise me! Promise you’ll make them pay!" Not wanting to deal with that voice right at the time. I decided to get it together for the task I pulled on Luke’s arms and dragged him towards the bathroom, based on his size I knew it was shear adrenaline that was working with me at the moment. I then took of his shirt pants and underwear, not forgetting his socks and shoes. Thank God for me he wasn’t wearing any jewelry or a sports watch or anything. Getting rid of those things would’ve been hard and had a chance of always ending up leading back to me. I laid him in the bathtub and had done up the whole room in plastic with silver duct tape. It was a trick I borrowed from someone else but it was a good one. I had as tools a power chainsaw and my trusty electric carving knife. Both of which I somehow received as presents and never have used them. I started the bathwater to run and added a half cup of bleach. I knew that it wouldn’t stop the police from discovering blood in my apartment but it would at least distort it from being recognized as to whose it was. I pulled out my carving knife, thanking Aunt Ruth for giving me what could potentially be my favorite new toy.

I picked up Luke’s arm and cut straight down into his flesh, a squirt of blood came popping out but not as much as you see on the movies. Moving the knife at an angle and down I began to form the first slice of what would become animal food for the wolves and bores that hunt in the desert for food at night. It went pretty quickly and cleanly, actually. Pretty soon I had about three garbage bags full of meat, organs, and bone. I took my presents out to Jason’s car. I drove about an hour and a half out of the city on the way towards Primm. I then, got busy on burying the bones of my now ex-boyfriend. I smashed his skull into fragments and buried all the pieces four feet deep and 16 feet away from each other. Keeping the fingers and burying them a mile away. I was making sure that no one would be able to identify him and trace it back to me. Then as dawn broke, I was finally done, and I drove Luke’s car to an empty apartment parking lot. I picked this lot because it and the one next one, doesn’t have camera. I felt secured in the fact that I had disposed of him properly.
I also, scoured my apartment with a bleach cleanup, just to make sure no DNA or blood existed to link me to his disappearance. I would have to call it in the next day, that he was missing. I sat on my couch and feeling proud of myself, immediately fell asleep and slept all night, for the first time since I was a child.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Charlie Davidson was sitting at her desk pouring over her case files, sure she'd find something that a thousand other eyes had just seem to miss. She knew better, smarter, had something that they...well just didn't have. But this was why she always worked alone. Of course all her partners ended up not being able to work with her, but mostly they just couldn't keep up. They couldn't see the picture that she could. Charlie sat back and pinched the bridge of her nose together. She sighed and quickly lopped her head from one side to the other and the sound of bones popping echoed through the empty squadroom. She looked around her in the semi-darkened area and again sighed, she knew it was late and her shift was over for a long time. She stood up and stuffed some files into her duffel bag and started the long stretch of hallway down towards the stairs and out. Maybe if she got some sleep, her fresh mind would catch something her tired mind wouldn't. There was one squadroom left with lights on. Werid. She paused just at the edge of their entrance to listen in on the conversation. She knew it was the day shift because night was all condensed and downstairs. She had to lean in closer and strain her ears to pick up even a whisper of their conversation, that's how quiet they were being, but she could hear them. "Well all I'm saying is a car turns up, in a side of town that he doesn't go to, with no cameras looking, the car is devoid of any trace...EVEN HIS, and no one can find him...you gotta think it's a pro job." That was voice one. Voice two starts in with, "Pro? PRO???? NO WAY!! A PRO job would have the guy sitting IN the front seat with his brains sprayed on the windsheild AND no trace!! No this is someone who knows Crime Scenes enough clean up but left something on or in the body to where they had to get rid of it." Voice one, "Well if we know it's not just a missing person then why we holding on it, we should just walk it up to the know-it-all she's still up there ya know. I can't stand her but the b***h has got a nose and can sniff out the body AND the perp. in real quick time:" Voice two, "HER!?!? NO WAY!! I'd rather give it to Simmons than to that c**t, she's so frigid and uppity. She acts like she's got the s**t wrapped up when she gets it. Damn I can't STAND Her!" Voice one, "What happened, she turn you down for a date? Hahaha, even the ugly and lonely meter maids won't date you pencil dick! I'm telling you take it to Davidson in the morning, if you know what's good!" Davidson was good and ready to walk in and just snatch it from them, and shove s**t in their nose, but really she expected crap like this from the men of the squad. She usually was right, and being hot, smart, and unwilling to date anyone she worked with made her very unlikable at the station. Without pausing to see if they noticed, she walked by the doorway to missing person's squadroom and continued to walk down the stairs and then out and on towards home.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Author's Note

I know I've only uploaded to chapter seven, but I've taken in a lot of critiques especially another writer's who has been very insightful and influential in bringing out a lot of my inner self into this writing so I am beginning from Chapter one again, taking the two NYPD blue detectives and putting another aspect of myself Charlie. There's more detail and more depth, See if you like this more

Reviews

[VegasRyan]

Awesome read, can' wait for more.

[Bec]

Hmmm I like the rewrite hun, but you called Luke Jason in the 6th Paragraph

[Silvario]

A very interesting read. I'm a big fan of stories like this one, and I too am writing a story from a killer's perspective. Always intriguing stuff. This is well written with a few minor typo/mispunctuations, but no biggie. One thing I will suggest is beginning a new paragraph whenever another person speaks, as opposed to having multiple person dialog exchanges within the same paragraph. i.e. The exchange between voice one and voice two. This is just my 2 cents tho, humble as it is. :)

All in all, I enjoy the story thus far and look forward to getting to the next chapter. Well done. :D

[__Flaw__]

I think, a little detail and a bit of pepper would do. Like for example... Isn't it a tad hard to lift a healthy man into a bathtub. Let alone from a woman's perspective! So I would have liked to see the character toil and sweat, and think of some creative ideas before she commits to what she would... the killing thing... (like for example, seducing the boyfriend into the bathtub then hand him the sedative, or something similar). And then there's this gut instinct that i have trouble understanding... all of a sudden when some one commits a full throttle slasher, it takes time, like quite an amount of it, to actually inhale what have actually happened. And then there's always a motive, some sadistic immoral and crazy kind of desire that's fulfilled, a savory that has been met... the ultimate high point of that adrenaline kick...which i guess is somehow missing. Like in this character's case, she's just amused at the subjects dying, but nothing more substantially psychotic. Hmmm...

As you have asked reservations about the character development, I would only say that well, these are just comments, please don't take them seriously. Just thoughts and nothing more. And perhaps i was only committed on leaving some substance on the matter, was because I found it quite an interesting read and would like to see it evolve further without any chinks. That's all.
A good write indeed. Take cares. :))

[Sheila Kline]

I agree somewhat with Pax Analog's review, in that perhaps more dialog might have been of the thoughts of your dying lover. But, I have read your note, and I shall not state this in stone until I read on.
It is gripping to say the least!
Very graphic, but I like it!
Sheila

[Pax Analog]

Charming. ;-) It's like watching a sidebar scene of a Lechter apprentice. He didn't always eat his victims, after all.

The sense of detail, the pride Ms. Psycho takes in her work is effective. As is the tack you take with the narrative "I," making the dastardly deeds more intimate. I wonder how long it takes to die from hemlock. That incident did seem a bit peremptory. You dwelled longer on the body parts disposal. For all the claim of the character's infatuation with death, the dying could have been more intense. In this regard, the first-person approach -- solely -- doesn't allow you to get inside the victim's head during his mortal crisis. Because the first thing that comes to mind is what flashes in the dying person's head, and also what images might arise in the mind of the murderess. You could break this up so you can have it both ways; first-person intimacy, and a prismatic look from inside the victim's head. Italicized, maybe. In other words, an internal panorama.

It's a good start; those are just some optional thoughts. I shall return to read more later.