I've been cursed (part 2)

A recollection from 2 years ago. Unedited.

Lucid dreaming is the worst

It leaves tremors in my hands
The lingering taste of panic and helplessness
As I desperately try to traverse my own mind
Getting lost in fake realities
That feel too real
That make the panic swell like an orchestra
Unable to breathe
Drowning in my own unconsciousness

Every attempt to sleep
A failure
As I’m dragged into the abyss
Half aware
Half kicking and screaming
All helpless
My imagination reacts violently to my panic
Spinning it into a reality
Spinning it into a nightmare
And all I can do is watch

I try to escape the dreams by thinking of reality
Imagining my finger twitching
Or the nail digging into my palm
It used to work
It only makes the dreams stronger now
It feels like hopelessness

How can I sleep
If I am only stolen away into a nightmare
Every time
Always destined to fall?

The videos used to work
The feeling of objects used to work
Imagining myself waking up used to work
Nothing works
Instead I am trapped in my mind
An eternal hell
That spirals faster and faster
Becoming worse with time
Until I eventually wake
And it’s been 20 minutes
And I feel ready to cry

My hands shake even now
I can feel the lingering memory of the dream
Desperately searching for a light
All of them failing me
My phone won’t turn on
My headlight won’t click
My lamp is too dim
My computer is slow and barely enough to sate the anxiety that burns in my chest

I tremble even in the dream
I imagine myself becoming desperate enough to clumsily finding my way to *****'s room
I don’t
I collapse behind the chair and find comfort in what I cannot see
I peek over the chair and my anxiety swells with how open
How large
How exposed my room is
It’s unnatural
I hide behind the chair again
It is my only comfort
I have forgotten my ties to reality
This hell has become my reality
And it tastes like a bitter realization
That my desperation to wake up
Only sunk me deeper into the nightmare

The anxiety is slowly fading
My hands do not shake
Eventually I will think “why could I have been so scared?”
I will know
I will know
Because I know that the next night only serves to bring the same fate

An eternal hell
It lasts years in minutes
Hours in seconds
And when I wake up
I will be awake knowing
That it will not be long
Before I find myself in it again
Eternal hell
A constant back and forth
But a reassurance in return
It does nothing to comfort me

It is 3:14 am
Going back to sleep sounds nice
I don’t trust it
The lull of sleep is a sirens call
And I’m terrified of when I fall victim
To its cry
It is inevitable

Will I find myself back in my eternal hell?
It’s impossible to know
And that terrifies me

Oh

The tremors in my hands are back

Author's Note

This is from two years ago in May. From part 1 of I've been cursed, this references the 'being consumed by darkness' portion. I care more about reviews for part 1, but thoughts are appreciated and I can elaborate for all those who are curious about lucid dreaming.