I've been cursed

A poem about having both insomnia and nightmares. The dark is a terrible place.

I’ve been cursed
That when the late evening rests on my home
And I make good choices
I settle down to sleep for the night
For good rest
I will shuffle restlessly
Endlessly
And
Time will pass
Slowly
Achingly so
And when I clench my teeth
After what feels has been an hour
The clock will read that it has been three
I do not feel tired
The pull of sleep does not tug on me
As I settle down for another restless hour
Knowing I’ll wake up when it has been three
I tug the blanket to my chin
And time falls around me

Or
Instead
As the clock reads 4
And the sky is dark outside my window
I’ll bring out my phone
And let time pass by my own accord
Rather than letting it slip by
Unpredictably
As my curse has set upon me


However
If I dare stay awake into the night
Knowing this fate rests on me
Awake as the night settles on my home
And awake as the final light turns off across my room
I’ll be cursed yet again
And the first will feel merciful
To this restful nightmare

My eyes in the dark night are wide
Awake as could be
I’ll take my medicine
20 milligrams of melatonin to put me down faster
Lay down
Blanket tugged up to my chin
I close my eyes
Cross my fingers
And fall into a nightmare

They are disorienting
Pulling this way and that
I can feel the influence of my thoughts on the reality before me
A honey like consistency
That tastes like a bitter struggle
Poisonous
Wrong
I fall deep into these dreams
Nightmares
Aware of their deceit
Awake inside my mind
But helpless as the lies build
Like the weaving of a scarf
And when I think I have found my consciousness
Swallowing air as if I had been drowning
Hands clenching my blankets
Fear clogging my throat
I’ll miss the discrepancies
Because my room feels too big and cavernous
My phone isn’t turning on
Nor the lamps
Nor the lights
I can’t feel the warmth that should cling to my blankets
Or the brush of cold that leaving them should bring me
The darkness will consume me


I have gotten lost in this place
Banging on the walls and screaming
An astute feeling of wrong
Coating my mouth
Creeping into my throat
Numbing my voice
Blinding my mind

I have hidden
Covered my head with my hands
Tucking my face into my knees
Like a child
Hiding from a monster

And when I leave that hellscape
My heart is racing
My skin feels like there’s a buzz underneath it
But I’m frozen in fear
Panic thick in my heart
Pounding
I’ll grab my phone
Calm down to the comforting blue light
And sleep will call me
Like a siren
Spin thoughts of ease into my mind
Tempt me
My eyes weigh heavily
And I wear limbs of lead
And if I do not fight it
If I don’t stand up and leave
Don’t shake the sleep off
I will fall into it
Crash into the dreamscape like ice
Once again
Left to grapple at reality
As I am dragged deep into something
That knows my fears
Even more intrinsically than I myself do
And that terrifies me

Author's Note

I used to get really bad "chain dreams." These dreams would start out like a normal dream, but I'd realize I was in a dream and feel how my thoughts would affect the world around me. Trying to wake up would incite a never ending cycle of waking up in my room, discovering the discrepancies, and trying to wake myself up again. This would go on and on and on, and it was incredibly distressing and painful. Then I'd wake up and only 30 minutes irl would have passed. I have more poems of my describing this experience. I don't get them recently, thankfully. How is it? Could you tell what it was describing? I think it's a little vague, I've only edited it once since the time I wrote it, which was two or three years ago.