The Wisp, Chapter One

Sudden terror squeezed her throat shut ... it wasn’t just the eyeless sockets ... something--something that shouldn’t be there--rolled inside his skull in waves of

I

A Dream

Bara walked along the boulevard. Above her head, gentle gusts blew through layers of whispering leaves. Those with the lightest grip let go and cut red and gold traces through the air before finally settling soundlessly on the pavement below. The sun still shone brightly, but a pale moon had crested the horizon. It was a lovely evening, but Bara walked alone. Not another living soul--an empty town, at a time when the residents of Windfall were usually rushing home for dinner. How strange? 

But then, there was a very insistent tug on her sleeve. Bara looked down. A little girl, of maybe four or five years old, looked back up. 

The girl wore a red pea coat with a matching beret. Curls, not far off the shade of Bara’s own strawberry blonde, scooped down and just brushed her collar. Dark glasses with white frames--heart shaped--hid her eyes. The girl said nothing, but a single tear escaped from below the plastic rims and trailed down a plump cheek.

“Are you lost?” Bara asked her. “Do you want me to help find your mommy?” 

The little girl nodded and held out her hand. Bara reached out but was jostled from behind before her fingers could take hold. The street was full now. A steady stream of men and women pushed and shoved as they passed. Most peculiar. They all wore sunglasses.

Bara looked down again. The little girl was gone. Where? The tot now stood under the shade of an oak tree, a few meters away. A tall man, made even taller by a black top hat, had her by the arm, and she struggled to get free. Something told Bara he wasn’t the girl’s father. A protective spirit surged in her. Bara fought her way through the crowd and threw her slight sixteen-year-old body at his massive frame. The man merely stepped back, but he did let go of the girl. 

“Run!” Bara urged her. 

The girl didn’t hesitate. Her short legs took flight, and she disappeared into the crowd. Bara would get no chance for escape. 

Dark gloved hands reached out and took hold of her shoulders. She looked up, opened her mouth to protest, but never uttered a word. Because under the brim of the man’s top hat were two empty black holes where his eyes should have been. Sudden terror squeezed her throat shut, and her face screwed up in revulsion. It wasn’t just the eyeless sockets. His eyelids quivered, and for a moment, something--something that shouldn’t be there--rolled inside his skull in waves of shiny black. 

The man gave a wry smile and let out a chuckle that cracked with charge. His black hands moved up from her shoulders and took hold of her throat. His fingers stiffened. 

The realization hit. He’s going to kill me. 

Bara struggled, her flailing arms making contact with no one and nothing. The man’s smile grew wider. His grip tightened, closing off her windpipe. He lifted her from her feet. Her toes just grazed the ground below, and then she was in the air … only for a moment. His hands loosened from her throat, and Bara fell to her knees. And then the man took flight. 

With her face hidden under red-gold curls, a girl about Bara’s own shape and size held him aloft with only one arm. Curiously, she also wore a red pea coat and beret.

“She is mine,” came her hissing voice. 

Then as if the man were no more than a rag doll, she tossed him aside. Before making contact with the asphalt, he exploded in a burst of silver and screams. Charges trailed and sizzled through the air. When the sound and movement finally died down, a silver dust hung for just a second and then dropped with a surprisingly heavy thud. The wind blew away the dust, and the man was gone.

Thinking the nightmare over, Bara looked to her rescuer. Her rescuer turned her head to look at her. Bara’s nightmare wasn’t over. There stood a mirror image--same shape, size, hair, and face. A doppelganger. Everything was the same, everything but the eyes. They were black and as empty as the man’s had been. Slowly, the doppelganger cocked her head to the side. With a hand as gentle as a venomous snake, she bent down and reached out for Bara’s cheek. 

“Hush, hush,” she cooed and stroked. 

Her youthful mouth turned suddenly down, and she began to transform. Two heavy folds grew from her nose, dragging her cheeks until they sagged below her chin. Crow’s feet formed around black eyes, spreading until they reached a now grey hairline. Finally, deep crevasses pocked and ran across a once-smooth forehead. 

Bara stared at herself as an old woman.

“I am here now,” her demented double reassured. “Everything will be just fine.” 

But everything wasn’t just fine, not even close. The doppelganger smiled a very wide smile that grew wider, jaw-cracking wide. Wrinkles bent and twisted under the strain of an ever-increasing black hole of a mouth, a mouth that threatened to erase its face … suddenly it closed and returned to normal. The doppelganger turned her head as though at a sound and then back at Bara. 

“Soon,” she whispered, and then just like the man had, disappeared in a storm of silver and electricity.

The doppelganger was gone. The man wasn’t to be seen, and all the others were gone too, but Bara wasn’t quite alone. A solitary dark form approached. The dark-haired boy! 

Everything would be alright now. This boy Bara knew well. He was tall and lean with broad shoulders, his strides long. His hair, dark and wavy, shown with copper in a sun setting too rapidly to be real, but it didn’t matter because Bara forgot about the racing sun, forgot the nightmare that had just occurred. He was so close now … 

The sun slipped below the horizon. The sky disappeared into night. Bara heard her own breathing, fast and shallow. His was strong and even. She reached out. Her fingers found his warm cheek. She stepped closer, and he opened his arms. Like someone had thrown a switch, the moon lit up the sky. Stars burst through the night. His eyes, vibrantly blue, smiled down at her. His lips brushed her mouth. She returned the kiss, wishing it would go on forever. It didn’t. 

Author's Note

Reviews

[wordman]

I love a good story and this kept me on the edge

[Pryde Foltz]

Thank you, Wordman.

[Heather]

i love how you get right down to the nitty gritty in this, a very gripping story line ill be sure to catch up when i get home!! great job!! :D

[Pryde Foltz]

Thank you, Heather. Glad you enjoyed.

[Heather]

you are welcome, and yes i thoroughly did! :)

[Mizo4]

Written to a professional standard. This is a good first chapter with a nice pacing of action. I enjoyed reading this. Good write.

[Pryde Foltz]

Thank you, Marion.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

You go right into this…the thick of it in the first chapter...with the little girl and Bara...then the event takes a turn with the read of this story...lots of actions with doppelgangers… the chase…the evident doom…and yet just as the action begins…relatively takes a U-turn…and the passiveness generates itself back to normal…seemingly…you give the reader just enough suspense of a thriller…so they can come to terms of what just happened in the scene…and I guess they find out as the read gets into the following chapters of this write…

As for...any changes...I did not see any that would really give more into this write...In a chapter you want it as tight as possible and keep the word count within reason...and you did that here...the read was not long and incorporated the theme...and gives enough like I said in the first paragraph...if any thing you can add detail as to the exact location...a city...and time...example:

Bara walked along the boulevard. Along the side of the river in Timbuktu...Arizona...in the mid sol of the day...

I’ve been in the rut of poetry and reading them…and doing new material…I decided to give you a read now…I did do a quality review for 2 writers here…but with a story line…you have to give a lot more to one individual writer…I like to be fair…I do give more if I like the plot lines…This seems to be a longer narrative with many chapters…I will from time to time come back…thanks for the invite…I get distracted myself to finish my novel…so I do other things to keep me going…I go from poetry…to AKA FAD to novel and back again…in no particular order…and edit/review…and research…takes the longest time…good to read you…and best of lucky with this and all your work…

[Pryde Foltz]

Thank you so much Glen for your review. I very glad you stopped by. I know how it is with stories on here. You wish you could read them all, but there isn't the time, and always there is the balance between your own work and reading. I'd be tickled pink if you stopped by for another chapter or two and just as happy with a shorter review or even a little "hi' it's me and I read or no review at all and just a read. So no worries any way. Thanks again, Glen, and feel free to send me an RR.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

You're welcome...I do my best to exceed the red line with my work...I have 2 thoughts running at the same time with two different verses at the moment...and each time I shift gear...I'm taken down a few notches on the rpm gauge...but only to rise back up again...I will do my best...as for RR's I do not do them...I feel in a writer/reviewer wants to read my work...he/she will come at their own free will...my main goal is to get the book: The Onyx - Vena Amoris to the destination port of entry...and finish my first journey...and the rest of what I do is extra...I have made a promise to those over the years to finish it and I will not fail this time...2009 seems a long time ago...and 1993 is even a longer time ago...I just want to see land again...the ocean is a peaceful embodiment...and I will sail again I'm sure...

[William J. Marsh]

OK Pryde! You got me here, now my curiosity will draw me to the next chapter. Hopefully not like the Ostrich. I work in the motion picture business and it takes a lot to bring me along in a story as you have done here. Looking forward to two of "One!"

[Pryde Foltz]

Cheers, William. I try to write in a fashion that is very visual and scene based; so I hope that helps.

[Lydia Shutter]

Supernatural and surrealistic....drawing the reader into the vortex of your thoughts. Filled with intense suspense and mystery, your words had me riveted to the page. Great imagery! Lydi**

[Pryde Foltz]

Thank you for your visit and kind words, Lydia.

[L.Edward]

Vivid and alluring from beginning to end. Overflowing with supernatural intrigue. I have never read anything quite like this before. Fascinating!

[Pryde Foltz]

Thank you, L. I am glad you liked it.

[emmajoy]

Don't usually read this genre but am so pleased i have because there's a touch of swings and roundabouts in the sky in it!
You have a way of placing characters in a seemingly ordinary scene, then, you fidget them around into somewhat surreal places. Your characters are distinctly displayed and but various: Bara seems near innocent, but her double is powerful, extraordinary but, I wonder will she absorb Bara somehow. Not convinced she's a goody yet! The appearance of the dark haired boy adds yet another tangent to the tale.
Great writing here: 'She struggled, her flailing arms making contact with no one and nothing. His smile grew wider. His grip tightened, closing off her windpipe. He lifted her from her feet. Her toes just grazed the ground below, and then she was in the air … only for a moment. His hands loosened from her throat, and she fell to her knees. ~ And then the man took flight. He dangled in mid-air. '

So now I'm hooked so, yes, will be back!

[Pryde Foltz]

Thanks so much for your words and thank you for stopping in.

[Kristin Lee]

Amazingly descriptive. I love stories that are written with language like this, they suck you in.

[Pryde Foltz]

Thank you, Kristin.

[Douglas White]

I like the start of this story, and the action flows quite well. I only have a couple of things to critique:

From the beginning onwards, you have a beautifully maintained eerie quality to the surroundings and the people other than the main character. You could always enhance the bizarre feeling by adding a little more description of things that seem just a little... odd. Things that seem ordinary and eerie at the same time.

Examples:

the little girl could be holding an ice cream cone that steamed, but with a faint green shimmer. Odd, if there is a cold night to come.

She's standing next to a dress shop, and the dresses on the display mannequins seem to move in the breeze, when there is no breeze inside the window display.

You get the idea. Adding just a few more details along those lines (you really don't need much) would really solidify the surreal feeling that you have going.

The pacing and suspenseful feeling were excellent; they work quite well. The only other detail that I would suggest adding is to have her wake up in the very last sentence - that ties it to the dream discussion in the next chapter, and gives the reader a little bit of a release from the tension.

My thoughts, for what they're worth.

[Pryde Foltz]

Thank you, Douglas. You have a very creative mind. I did originally have her wake up at the end of the chapter and may go back. Thank you for the other ideas too. I'll give them a think over. And thank so much for reading.

[Douglas White]

I'm on to the next chapter - I'm intrigued now. :D

[Pryde Foltz]

Awesome. I'm about to slip out the door here, but would like to take a look at more of your stuff; return the favour. And I really enjoyed the one I've read so far. If there is a piece you would like a another set of eyes on in particular, send me a read request. Otherwise, a pick some more at random. Chat later.