Baby

Sacrifices look different through different eyes. In your eyes I wear a halo at times, and it scares me how far I'll fall when I drop from that pedastal.

 

You're divine

Perfectly precious

Oh darling

Such lovable sweetness

My heart pumping too fast

 

And you're huge eyes gaze up at me

Trust filled and expectant

I want to cry

Break my heart

Just so yours' can stay intact

 

 

There's something about you

Something different

But out there

Different is persecutable

 

You'll dazzle them

Shing brighter than the stars,

All of them together

Shine my baby shine

 

Oh baby baby

 

Here's everything I've learnt

Use it wisely

I'll answer whatever questions you might have

But in my heart I'll hope

You just won't ever ask some things

 

Like why the world's dark sometimes

Why do people fight sometimes?

Why you feel so lonely at times

Or what I've done to keep you safe at times?

 

Oh baby baby

I want to apologize

 

For not being there just feet away

When all you wanted was comfort again

For not stopping the words that cut

When you looked at me for shelter

For not being strong enough

Every time you have, will, or might bleed

 

Oh baby baby

 

You're so divine

Perfectly perfect

You're the light in my world

Candle shining so bright

Brighter than all the stars

 

And at night

When I look up at the skies

Feeling my heart heavier than ever

I'll think of you

And I'll be stronger

 

And years from now

When you're all grown up

Smiling and proud

I'll watch you from afar

Blow kisses your way

Let the tears fall freely

Reviews

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Wow what a truly srtong expression of love and devotion... I felt this you so deep in my heart... absolutely amazing!!

[Bubo]

Such an emotional piece of love, and having a young one look up too you and the weight of responsibility
we feel, terrified decisions made could be wrong, and watching your precious baby journey through life, this really was a wonderful heartfelt piece, full of emotions that we feel through those growing years.
Loved your flow, almost lyrical.

[Cdnsurfer]

Ok, Prudence, here's my commentary. Overall, I like the feel of this piece. Some excellent markers for emotional signposts to the reader in several places. We get these in a sweet lullaby format. The problem seems to be vagueness. By the end of it, you know the story, but we don't. You need to give more description of concrete events, words, things, people, so we can see it too. I like the general structure and I'd keep it. It frames it well. Keep the voice, the motherly voice is bang on! Just some real things for us humble readers to clutch at. You know the drill, use what you can and toss the rest! Cheers! Rob

You're divine [Ok, this can work, if we move quickly into scene, but because it doesn't, it seems too vague.]


Perfectly precious

Oh darling

Such lovable sweetness

My heart pumping way too fast [First major stanza and we are still a bit too vague. The reader doesn't know what this is in reference too.]



And you're huge eyes gaze up at me

Trust filled and expectant

I want to cry

Break my heart

Just so yours' can stay intact [3rd stanza and we ge the impression, finally, that this is about a baby. So, I think you need a hint within stanza 1 or 2. We also get the feel of a mother wanting to protect her child, so that's well brought out. The reason is obscure. Give us something more here.]



Oh baby baby

I'll tell you something special



There's something about you

Something different

But out there

Different is persecutable [Now we have the crux of it. Why? I think you need something more here.]



You'll dazzle them

[Shining] brighter than the stars,

All of them together

Shine my baby shine [Show us how your baby shines. More descriptive if you will.]



Oh baby baby

Listen to what I've got to say



Here's everything I've learnt

Use it wisely

I'll answer whatever questions you might have

But in my heart I'll hope

You just won't ever ask some things [Definitely a mother's love by this. But a bit too vague still.]



Like why the world's dark sometimes

Why [the - drop the article] people fight sometimes

Why you feel so lonely at times

Or what I've done to keep you safe at times [Still a bit vague. I love the feel of this piece, the soft hushes of a mother's words for her child, almost like a lullaby, by the way!]



Oh baby baby

I want to apologize



For not being there just feet away

When all you wanted was comfort again

For not stopping the words that cut

When you looked at me for shelter

For not being strong enough

Every time you have, will, or might bleed [Here's the crux of why? This needs to be lead earlier.]



Oh baby baby



You're so divine

Perfectly perfect

You're the light in my world

Candle shining so bright

Brighter than all the stars



And at night

When I look up at the skies

Feeling my heart heavier than ever

I'll think of you

And I'll be stronger

For you again [Regret arises here. This ties nicely with the need to protect. But would like a scene. A snippet of what happened. Even at this late stage we don't know why and what.]



And years from now

When you're all grown up

Smiling and proud

I'll watch you from afar

Blow kisses your away

Let the tears fall freely

And you'll have it all [Now into hope for the future. This can be hazy. This is fine.]



Oh baby baby

You deserve so much better



And maybe

Maybe

You'll look my way

And you [lost something here]