Journal entry #1

This is part of my first set of pomes, this is my first one in the set. Its about darkness, depression.

In the darkness of the world,

Thinking how is she so wrong,

Everything swirled,

She couldn't tell right from wrong.

The words they threw,

They stung like a knife to her soul,

Just wanting to break through,

But, her body took the toll.

It stung so bad the gap in her soul,

She couldn't close the wound,

It created a heart of cold,

She tried to mend it but it happened all to soon,

It grew until it broke her porcelain skin,

She grabbed the knife and cut a smile into her face,

She looked up at sky with a wide grin,

All she could see was space.

Author's Note

If you find something wrong please let me know this is my first time trying to publish poems. I'm using this a Journal entry because I don't want to post it as an official post, since its not completed. Please let me know if something is wrong with my grammar.

Reviews

[Pushkar Prabhat]

first things first:
it started off well.....
i am intrigued by the concept.
and i liked the poem!!!

first verse, second line: "everything thing" is that intentional?
third verse doesn't seem to rhyme.
last verse needs some rewording.

Note: this is just my opinion.

:)

[Bella]

I think that this poem is really good. I didn't see any spelling errors in it. Good job on it, it is really awesome!!!

[1Disawsum]

Hopefully you don't have depression, and from reading this, although depression is personal, and the feelings are one to your own, it seems like you do not know first hand the feelings of depression, and for the first time, I am SO glad. Glad that you don't know enough to write a poem on it, that is. Only scratching the surface of depression, but that's all you need to do. Don't dig any deeper, please. Not many people on this site know or talk openly about depression, so all they need to know is what you're portraying in this entry. Well done, not a bad start! Keep it up, you're doing great! xxx

[ProxyMarie]

I have depression, I'm on like 4 different medications for it. Just because the poem doesn't seem like it doesn't mean that I don't have it.

[1Disawsum]

and by the way, one tiny spelling error- 3rd stanza last line. It's supposed to be "too" :)

[1Disawsum]

no no no, I never said you didn't have it for sure, I just said that it seems like you don't have it. SO I guess you're not one willing to go deeper... not that I would be willing to, either...

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

Wow, just wow!!

Kaze~ :-)

[Lyn Anderson]

I really like this. I think the feel is just right for the subject of the poem. The only thing I could think of modifying would be not saying wrong twice in one stanza.

[Benita-Staebell M - Kin..]

This line was one that jumped off
the pages and very well explained about
depression.

It grew until it broke her porcelain skin,

She grabbed the knife and cut a smile into her face,

She looked up at sky with a wide grin,
All she could see was space.




I understand what you're saying here as
being depressed it isn't so easy to smile
some have explained it as being under
water and you can't breathe as how depression
feels.



Very powerful piece.


Thank you for sharing



Blessings. Benita

[1Disawsum]

Yes, it is like you are underwater and you can't breathe, yet you know that you're still alive. All you want to do is either sink so much you're dead, or break through the pressure pushing you down. It's like having claustrophobia, the feeling of walls closing in on you so much so that you can't breathe properly.
Having depression, for me, means that I can't smile at all, not a genuine one anyway. There seems to be nothing WORTH smiling for, nothing worth enough to use your cheek and jaw muscles to smile.

[Benita-Staebell M - KindredPoet]

You will be in my prayers depression and hopelessness comes from the devil my paw in law has it but God has helped him with that and it isn't as bad and he has had to take less and less meds for it. I hope you and your family have a blessed Thanksgiving from my family. Blessings. Benita

[1Disawsum]

aaw thanks, so very kind of you and your family! xxxI hope you and your family also have a great Thanksgiving!

[Sami Khalil]

"the gap in her soul,
She couldn't close the wound,
It created a heart of cold,"

A powerful take on depression and its effects...Bravo.................