How I want to remember it - with a Quill

435

The number I remembered

where you and I began to descend the stairs towards heaven.

Valentine had introduced us

with the promise of abundance;

a connection so strong that if the earth came apart beneath us, 

we would still stand atop the water, face to face, in wholehearted embrace;

and faith that we would outgrow the overgrown ways we've lived in disharmony.

My anxious heart torments me

to think only of you

when it should be of me in the moment.

438

The second time we fell

and it was cruel.

For it had seared into my mind

the possibility of us,

but I knew your convictions would be ones I could not,

so much as I try to understand, make into my own.

I'm a bad liar and an even worse lover,

for I am a coward when it comes to love I fear not being enough for.

I can be your equal,

but I could not bring myself to be your forever.

With tender touches, sweet kisses, and sweeter words,

I would give you all the comforts of the world.

The only thing I could not give you

was my devotion

and a future to grow.

For these, I had none for myself.

I am unworthy and I'm worse for it

because we unravelled ourselves upon that shelf

we said we'd never touch.

And so we never came back to that shelf again.

I'm all the more sorry for it;

for taking that future away from us 

by moving us too fast.

Days would pass

and in every fiber of my being, 

I would plea for these blissful feelings to last,

but that would be my undoing.

Beautiful memories were made out of delusions

as our communication trembled

out of fear of being found out to be allusions

to the inadequacies we rambled.

And yet despite all that,

I let my senses be taken by you.

How your eyes widened in joy when you've spotted me,

how your smile curled playfully when we banter,

how your shadow excites me to be better,

how your scent pulled me in,

and how your touch delayed time.

Oh, how I wanted you.

But,

I was unworthy

and I was cruel,

so I let you go.

I've accepted the end before it even came

and it came without hesitation to fulfill all my worries

even when I know I should cling on for dear life.

To hope

and let miracles happen.

But that would be selfish

and you didn't like selfish.

441

I've secretly assigned you this.

You are free.

I don't wish for the what ifs,

I accepted the what is,

and I do it all to climb the stairs out of heaven,

to Earth,

because that's where you are.

I loved you in that space and time,

but we're no longer there,

so I left for where we were.

Towards a future I was finally certain of growing,

where my devotion is unwavering,

I have reclaimed my senses

and now know to claim your convictions as my own.

313

Perhaps all the answers I sought

lie behind the mirrors

and it wasn't all for naught

that I persisted through love's terrors.

Perhaps it wasn't love before

but now it is

because I now wanted me more

enough to overcome what my mind forbids.

That shelf still stands

and we'll be back before we know it.

So for now, let's not misunderstand

 and just enjoy the little bits.