Unwanted response

Pyro, a young elementalist living among the now desolate human race, is part of a town which has just recieved a proposition of peace from the closest Anima tribe. But the mayor isn't impressed...

Underworld

Chapter 1: Unwanted response

---

Does reality scare you? Is its bewildering darkness and blunt epiphanies to much the bear?
You can escape reality, it isn't very hard.
Give your soul to me, and you will forever live in paradise, away from reality.
Just listen to the sound of my voice, I am what is real now, I am all that matters...
Do not listen to their cries of pain, it is all in illusion now...

---

Pyro's Narration

 

Year? Pssh, God knows, but all I can tell is that we have sunk into a dark age.

I can't remember what happened, I was either not yet born, or too young to contemplate, but the nun of my dormitory would always tell of a much brighter world before this one, where we could leave the city, and not be in danger of getting ambushed by who-knows what. Where we could leave the country without being tracked and killed by the border control of our destination.

 

I don't know what country I'm in; I don't even know how old I am. I gave myself the name Pyro not too long ago, I found it kind of cool and eventually it caught on with the rest of the town who I coexisted with.

 

I am an elemental, I can basically control elements, ofcourse it wasn't looked at too lightly by my orphanage, so I haven't been able to develop in useful abilities, I am the only elemental in my town, and since I can't leave, I'll never know if there's anyone like me, somewhere beyond the wall that traps me in, and ofcourse the forest that's full of disgusting fiends and head hunters.

 

The town I live in is called Brookstone, my nun told me you'd expect to see these kinds of cities in the old days, before cars existed, whatever they were. This town was constantly under threat from the outside, the wall hadn't been built until just recently, but since the wall has been built, our neighbouring towns have done the same, and we can no longer exchange resources, thus leading to an outbreak of poverty.

 

My nun's name is Debbie, she told me to elementals only existed in fantasy novels, and ever since my kind has been around, the world has quickly vanished into darkness. She doesn't blame me, she blames God, for not protecting the Earth, but myself, I never found much point in thinking about god, if there is one, he or she is either angry or doesn't give a s**t.

But at the turn of the Earth, my title for when the earth sunk into a dark age, happened, Elementals weren't the only arrivals that surprised the entire world.
Soon they saw vampires, nekos, dragoons, animas, they all just appeared out of nowhere, and an unbound hate towards each other began, with the humans, now the least abundant population on the planet, with no means of defending themselves.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

So today there's been a sudden town meeting called, well, it didn't really feel sudden, every time we are faced with a threat there is some form of precaution called and town meetings were always made to assure that everyone knew where to hide, but this time it was different, When I got to the meeting Debbie had scowled me for being late, and then explained what the Mayor was about to announce,

 

"Mayor Debnsky has received a letter of truce with the Equinox wolf clan 3 miles east; it's a glorious day to behold! Now tuck in your shirt!" She ordered, as I did so, as her scoldings were always well-rehearsed.

 

"Dear town Brookstone... These wolf wogs are obviously not too well acquainted with grammar yet, but oh well..." He continued, at there was a contagious giggle throughout the towns crowd.

Debbie wasn't impressed, not by the grammar comment, the word 'wog' was an extremely offensive word to use against the wolf tribes, Wog's are the demons of the wolf tribes holy scripture, demons who were once anima's themselves but gave their Blanka, in other words, their soul to the Arkam, the mythical ruler of the Nevertheids, which is like the hell of the Wolf tribes spirituality.

 

"-We, the Equinox tribe from eastern wolf clan want to make peace with you, the humans of town Brookstone, because plants are falling short after vampire attack on tribe village, you get our greatest warrior wolf's for defending your village, if we can feed of food source of yours until next plant season..." The mayor finished reading, letting out a soft chuckle, as the crown waited for his reply.

 

"So, the wogs want our help... after all these satanic savages have put us through, day in, and day out, they want our help!? I say, Damn their peace treaty, Damn it to hell!" The mayor shouted, his rage showing so evidently, that it was practically painted on his face. Debbie stepped forward, looking up towards the Mayor, who at this point was standing on an elevated platform, "Can we not consider their proposal? People are dying, and we can't risk leaving the town to find more resources without the strength of the Equinox warriors!" Debbie reasoned, a look of determination sparkled in her eye.
Mayor Debnsky laughed, "How do you know this isn't just a plan to infiltrate the town!? We know they'll go to such extremes as to eat our kind, as we have even seem them Cannibalise each other! How can we trust, such a demonistic species? And you Sister Debbie, of all people I didn't expect you to stand up for these savages!"

Debbie hissed at that generalization, "-and why is that Mayor Debnsky?"

He replied, "Where in our holy scripture does it insist we coexist with monsters!? I can quote many verses thoroughly against that sought of settlement!", "I don't base my life on scripture mayor Debnsky, but in my eyes, the path to a better world begins with cooperation!" Debbie stated, earning an applaud from the surrounding the crowd,

 

"Accept!" The crowd roared, motivated by Debbie's debate.

 

The mayor watched over his crowd, and then looked to Debbie who continued to have that sign of determination, so he turned around and walked into his chambers, which were situated behind the Platform, there his assistant Metcarf waited, "Sir, should I send a message of approval to the Equinox tribe?" He asked, instantly readied with a scroll and a quill. "No..." The mayor replied, "Tell them they're all a bunch of savage devil worshippers and call them Wog's for the most part, but spread among the town that I decided to agree with them..." The mayor concluded, turning to face a flight of stairs, noticing the look of severe disappointed that Metcarf gave him, "-and if you don't, I'm sure that means you want your little secret spread among the town?" He chuckled, his presence fading up the flight of stairs, as Metcarf's eye's sloped into a sorrow look, and wondered reluctantly into Debnsky's office to begin writing the reply.

---

Later that afternoon, me and the guys, which mainly consisted of Franc and Louise, along with the girls, Debbie and her step-sister Karin, we were conversing in a local bar, mostly excited over the arrival of the Equinox clan, and praising Debbie for her words of wisdom.

 

"Please, do not praise me with that kind of enthusiasm I am just doing what my gut tells me so... and apparently that earnt me a few free root-beers" She smiled softly, tilting a glass of the stuff in her hand. "No Debbie, You're a godsend you know that? Did you see the look on Debnsky's face?" Karin laughed; I had never seen her that proud of Debbie in a... well... ever... yes, that made complete sense.

 

Karin was my age, she had become Debbie's step sister just after she was born, the baby was not her fathers, but belonged to her step mother from an awful experience around 9 months before-hand, at least that's what Debbie's father told me anyway. Ofcourse having grown up with Karin, I had obviously developed feelings for her, but that was a relationship the ended a while ago.

 

"All of iiiit!" Franc shouted, as Louise chugged down a bottle of god knows what, and as he finished he smashed it on the counter and gasped for air. "Settle down ya' buggers!" Marian, the bar owner shouted at them, throwing a cloth at Louise and Franc's faces, "Now cleanthat up now! I have right mind ta' tell ya' mothers!" She commanded, in her refreshing Scottish accent. She was probably the most awesome lady who ever existed, never took any crap from no one! but on the plus side, she really was quite caring, I remember when I had Campelabacta when I was younger, Debbie wasn't old enough to be a nun, and hadn't trained to be a nurse yet, but Marian was much older than Debbie, she had actually been around long enough to have gone to a university and study medical procedures, which ofcourse led to me actually surviving the illness, which I still couldn't let down, even today.

 

Franc and Louise on the other hand have been my best friends since they were found as refugees with their mothers, their father's are apparently fighting in some war somewhere? I don't know. No event nor war could make this world any worse.

"Pyro come here" Karin called out to me from the pool table, with a bottle of beer in each hand.

I walked over happily, I was glad that we were still friends after the relationship ended, although sometimes I wish we could have gone back, like right now, because if a girl and a boy are drinking alcohol and playing pool together at a bar in the afternoon, there has to be something going on right?

 

She took the first turn, as the different coloured pool balls scattered in all directions, "Pyro, I have to tell you something..." She began in a slightly less-happy tone.
I stared at her as I took my turn, "Yeah go on." I said, "I don't know if you've been told, but me and Debbie have been talking about leaving for quite a while now and-"// I stopped her there, "Not this again, Karin, come on, you know how dangerous it is out there!"
"I know but Pyro-"
"There's are 20 foot wall around the town for a reason, and that reason is exactly the reason that will get you killed if you set one foot out here!"
"But Pyro-"
"-and if you think for one second I'm gonna let that happen to you then you've got to be j-"
"Pyro! Listen to me!"

I paused, leaning up from my angle of the pool table. "I'm going to ask the warriors of the Equinox clan to escort me to a safer place outside the town, maybe even to the docks! I can finally get out of this place Pyro! a-and you can come with me!"
I put my pool stick down and put my hands on her shoulders, staring her in the eyes, "Karin, there is nothing beyond that border but more wastelands! This town may be the only place left on earth that has humans in it!"
Karin shook her head, "No! No, there is more! There has to be more!"
"Don't be irrational Karin; you know the situation so far just as much as I do!"
"..." Karin looked to the ground, "I won't been contained here for the rest of my life Pyro..."
"You idiot!-"

 

She slapped me, as Debbie and Marian looked over at us in a puzzled manor, "You're a coward Pyro! I thought you elementals at least had a bit more hope instilled but you're just as bad as the rest of the humans!" Her eyes began to tear up, as Debbie slipped off her stall, "Karin..."

 

The girl ran past me... well, not really ran past me, but pushed me out of the way and stormed out of the bar in a dramatic manor, her step-sister following after her once giving me a 'sorry for that' sort of stare. I stood there a bit dazed by the slap, which means either I was feeling guilty about calling her an idiot, or the slap was so hard that it dazed me.

"You alright love'?" Marian asked, filling a glass of water for me.

I didn't decide to answer; I was too busy being in a daze.

Louise leant over onto Marian's shoulder, "Man, that guy just got rejected, you can tell..." Marian's frowned and stuttered a bit, "Just clean that bludy' mess up!"

---

That night, I was laying in my cruddy bed which had over the years gotten far too small for me; I was staring at the ceiling, in another daze, unfortunately.
But that moment of contemplation was over when I heard the gate open outside, the big town's gate. I looked outside and standing there were the three nuns of the town, Debbie, Joan and Venice, and the towns ambassador named Mark, stood there, ready to welcome their visitors, the Wolf clan had arrived.

 

The three nuns bowed in respect, I watched the display, entering the village were three Anima's, a Very large one, with a huge bushy tail and tall upright ears, probably the chief or something, there was also a young one, a boy, with flaccid ears and a tail that would more resemble a cats, and a girl, with pointy upright ears, and no tail, but glowing red eyes.

 

"Our new allies, thank you for sending us your kind words of truce..." The ambassador bowed.

 

Something was off, the three new-comers looked shifty, and kept staring from one side of the town to the other, the boy, the smaller Anima stared at me, as I tried to lose contact with him, I stared and saw Metcarf on top of the Mayors platform, running into the mayors quarters quickly, that was also strange, why the hell was the mayor not there to greet them?

 

The female Anima spoke in a strange language that echoed slightly, as the taller one

replied, and the boy took a few steps forward and leant over. "E-erm... okay then..." The Ambassador did the same, thinking it was a sign of respect no doubt, before long, the Anima boy growled, his eyes glowing green, and he lunged forward and dug his claws into the Ambassadors torso, earning a loud scream of pain that filled the town.

The nuns fretted and limped backwards, beginning to flee as the female Anima eyed Debbie and leaped forward and grabbed her.

 

"Debbie!" I shouted without thinking, finally deciding to run down the stairs and attempt to help.

 

Whence arriving at the bottom of the flight of stairs, horror struck me as these three Anima were terrorising the town in a massacre fashion. 'Karin!' Immediately popped into my mind while this was all happening, and I ran as fast as I could to the girls dorm, Joan the nun was situated outside of it bawling her eyes out, I don't blame her, I was shocked confused and horrified at the same time. "I knew he'd do it!" The nun cried, "I knew he would!" Her voice cracked, as she sided down the wall of the dorm with her face buried in her arms, she huddled. I felt terrible, I wanted to help her, but Karin was all that I could think about. It was stupid really; she probably took this chance to escape the town.

 

But when I reached the room Karin was housed in, I saw her packing, in a haste manor, panting. "Karin you're okay!" I called out, running in to observe.

 

Karin didn't answer me; she slammed her possessions into her suitcase, "Her Karin?" My voice grew softer, as her panting grew louder.
She had finished and violently zipped her suitcase shut, getting hold of the skin on her index finger and tearing it off, "Karin!" I shouted, as she turned to me, her eyes filled with terror and rage. I thought she was going to shout at me, or perhaps storm past me without a word, but instead she teared up, and leant into me, crying. "This was it..." She sobbed, "This was my ticket out..." She slid off me and onto her knees, "We were had... Those filthy wogs tricked us!" She leant forward and buried her head into her arms, still crying uncontrollably.

 

I thought to myself, 'We have nothing more to lose! We can at least try...' So I bent down, and grabbed her hand, "Karin, Debbie has been taken by an Anima, we have to get her, and then we can leave, or at least try to..." I tried my best to instil her with determination, or at least a bit of motivational vengeance, but I pulled her up, still in grasp of her hand.

She looked at me, her brown fringe wet for tears, covering her eyes in places; she put her untouched hand over mine, and squeezed, but didn't continue to say anything.

I knew she wanted to go, and I knew she wasn't going to leave without her step sister, so we took the suitcase, and exited the building, Joan was lying against the wall outside the Dorm, three slashes of blood on the wall to the right of her, ' I hope She's still okay...' I thought, as me and Karin run off into the hell of our street.

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(Next chapter coming as soon as possible! :3)

Author's Note

Any opinions taken onboard for the chapters to come :D

Reviews

[Solidad]

You had a lot of technical errors meaning tense, spelling and grammar errors. When it comes to writing a book unless you're writing it in the form of poetry (which would change your formatting to stanzas.) Then you need to follow traditional formatting. For example your when you start dialog you need to start a new paragraph every time a new character speaks. This is a genuinely a REALLY great story. Unfortunately if you want you reader to understand the content and context of your idea then formatting is a big deal.

I'm going to be quite honest and normally this genre isn't my 'cup of tea' so to speak but this story has changed my mind. It is well thought out but your minor details can't be overlooked.

I truly have a love for Pyro and his unsteady thoughts he's very easy to identify with and I really like that. I love ALL of your characters he's just my favorite. Over all its a good read and I look forward to future chapters. You've changed my mind about this genre and have made me appreciate it all the more. Bravo =)

[whitemagic19]

I love it :) keep up the good work!

[Star Shaped Heart]

Very Nice! Said in the voice of the guy from Borat that movie....I love the name Equinox my dad said had he named me he woulda named me that

[Blake]

First, the downside...the chapter had several issues with formatting as some have pointed out before me. Each time someone speaks, that bit of dialogue needs to be separated from the paragraph as its own paragraph. That's pretty much the only downside haha.

The story itself was fantastic! I honestly couldn't stop reading (and that's saying a lot considering some of the things I've read on this website). It is unique and well-thought out I believe. I really, really, really hope you continue with this story. It has great potential. :)

[Cricket Kidd]

Kay, You don't have to take this personally, But I would feel a lot more comfortable reading this if it didn't swear. I really like this story, but that is just my opinion.
On a different note, I Have a slight obsession with names, and Pyro is just about the most awesome name I have ever seen. I don't know why, maybe it has to do with my own fascination with fire. MWA-HA-HA!!! (Anyway...)
A few technical errors here and there, but other than that, it was great!

[Meat of Dog]

Wow, I finally found someone else who writes really long chapters! I really like the beginning of this story. There is a heavy feeling of amnesia with the main character that gives this sinking feeling and desire to know more. Also, a nun that blames god! That was a punch. As an atheist, it is nice to see a narrator that is also (or at least isn't too fond of their god) that is very unique because lots of people are scared to go there.

You used a lot of terms and species that I was not familiar with, which is really good too. That creates a feeling of creating a new world for the reader. This helped to suck be in because it is an immersive style of writing. Even though it is early to tell what the wolves are like, I dislike the mayor. He seems cruel by referring in a derogatory fashion to the peace offering of the wolf tribe (especially considering humans need their help). I get the feeling his is a bad guy and is going to cause a lot of unneeded problems for these people. Hopefully Pyro will step up and be able to help with elemental skills. I'm really liking this word Wog... it feels like Smeg (fictitious, but easy to catch on as a new swear word).

No! I shook my computer screen when the animas attacked. That mayor guy is terrible! You did a good job of telling the reader this was going to happen before hand, so I felt about as helpless as the humans, while not blaming the wolves for the chaos (they did not know any better). Now the chapter title makes a lot more sense, as well. This was a very exhilarating read, I look forward to chapter 2!


other suggestions:
-"Does reality scare you? Is its bewildering darkness and blunt epiphanies to much the bear?" Too much to bear

-"I can't remember what happened, I was either not yet born, or too young to contemplate..." I would put a semi colon after 'happened' and 'was'. This sentence feels like it needs a split there, so the coma is awkward.

-"our neighbouring towns" neighboring

-I think you could afford to mellow on the comas a bit. People use them a lot for pause break when reading out loud, which simulates the first person's narrative speaking (which is ok), but technically there are grammatical rules to using them. There are a few places I saw you use them that needed to be new sentences or breaks instead. I had a teacher once tell me that you should use comas most of the time in front of 'fan boys' (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so), and that's it.

-"they want our help!?" I really discourage this when i see it because it is grammatically incorrect. You need to use one or the other. Using both is seriously frowned upon in literature.

-"that earnt me a" earned

[Alicka]

I think you have a great story on your hands! The format that you are using was hard for me read and understand what you were trying to say to your readers. Please change the style of the format, to more of a traditional style. For the misspelled words and grammar error, it's sometimes a good idea to read out loud to yourself and you can catch more clerical errors. I can't wait to read the next chapter.

[Black Cat Fever]

I think the reviews of Solidad and Heretic sum up the technical side of things so on the creative side I think you have a fantastic beginning of a story. The names aren't that big of a deal to me as long as the characters are very interesting and the reader can relate to them and there's no problem there in your story. I recommend keep writing on this, its well worth it.

[Heretic]

Please don't take any of my critiques as, "I hate your writing" because that's not what I'm saying. I just tend to be critical in my reviews and the internet doesn't allow people to hear my tone, so my words can be deceiving.

First off, you seem to have crafted an interesting realm for this story. I like it. The characters seem interesting, and you clearly have a direction you want the story to go. That's good that I can see that from the first chapter.

The only character name I would recommend changing is "Pyro". I like the idea of Elementals, and I understand that Pyro is one, but maybe you'll want to come up with a name that isn't so obvious. It's just a recommendation, not something I think needs to absolutely be fixed. But I do like the character.

Like Solidad says, you have a lot of technical errors and a few misspellings. I'm not sure of your age, but maybe you're young and that's the reason for the errors. It's nothing to be upset about. I recently went back to read a lot of what I posted a few years ago and took them down to be edited due to errors and I'm in my twenties. So don't fret.

There are some parts that you put commas, and I think a period would have been more suitable. Like Solidad said, every time a new character speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. I wish this site still allowed us to post notes still, because I'd be much greater help if I was able to do that.

I love the first person perspective. Just make sure you keep it consistent with present tense or past tense. Which ever one you're trying to write. First person usually works better with present tense, in my opinion.

The more you write and read, the more you'll learn.

I'm not sure what kind of books you read, but since you enjoy the horror/supernatural genre, I'd recommend Dean Koontz, Neil Gaiman, and maybe even some H.P. Lovecraft.

Definitely keep at this story. I like it and think it shows some promise.

[Justin Littlefield]

You've got a lot of story telling talent. Definitely keep at this storyline!