A letter to my wife.

In this passage, I wanted to show the inner feeling of a man who may be in a failing marriage, and him coming to terms with that.

Every morning I wake up with the guilt, the guilt of knowing the fact that I let her die in my heart. I always wake up before her, hoping she's gone, but every morning she still there. Still sleeping calmly next to me, it pains me to she her so happy. I don't want her to be with me. I don't understand why she's still with me. There are plenty of people out in the world that can her happier than I can. I am a weak man, a man who can't love, who can't smile, who can't live, a broken man who doesn't deserve happiness. I am a man who doesn't deserve a woman like her, she's perfection, she's always been perfect, but I am a different man now. I am no longer the man she needs.

I want to move forward, I want to be alone. I want to remember why I fell in love with her. I want to love her again, the emptiness inside my heart hurts. It. It hurts. The fact I can never be happy. Hurts. I miss the feeling of when it doesn't hurt. Of when I could feel whole and warm. But throughout our life I revert back to the bitter man I was before I met her. Holding pity and resentment towards others, never getting past those emotions. As those feelings started to return, I drifted from her. I forced myself to forget about her warmth, forget about her meaning. I don't know why, all I know is that it happened. And even when I know the feelings are present, I ignored them and try to continue on with our lives.

I remember the first time I told her I love her. Her eyes watered up with joy. Prior to telling her, I would joke around by saying, "I won't say love, until I know I truly mean it. The word love is thrown around to loosely nowadays. I want it to hold a meaning when I say it." I assumed she remembered what I said. After I confessed to her she would never leave my side. If I became ill, she'd rush to my house and comforted me back to health. If I needed someone to philosophize to, she'd be the first person at my door. I miss the feeling of being with her all night, and just talking. Life moves by so quickly you just forget to cherish those moment. I mean, once we're dead, we'll never be able to reminisce on those memories. Never be able to be sad, happy, angry, or anything really. It really is a gift we as human-beings don't appreciated.   

This is really reminding me of the night before our wedding. I remember when I couldn't sleep because I was so nervous. I remember going to your room, just to lay in your arms and cry. It was just to much stress for me to hold on my own. Instead of judging me, and telling me to man up, you held me. You held me all night, not complaining, not even asking what was wrong. You knew I was stressed, just by looking at my face. Even now I want to lay back into your arms and cry. I want to feel whole again. 


But I know that will never happen.

I'm sorry.

Love, Roy Jarvi